No one to turn to- 2

[addie]

Thanks Jen! I do like it.

[addie]

H has cold feet about moving back.

Monday I called H about a parcel that arrived here for him. Then he started to say that he's thinking about what I said that if he comes back and leaves again for a job or otherwise it will be very confusing for S and also that he doesn't want to give me false hope.
Yesterday he called in the a.m. I didn't answer. He left a message saying he'd like to come over and make pizza. I was going to call back in the p.m. but he called again and this time I picked up. So he came over in the early evening and stayed for 4 hours. He made pizza for us and we finished our taxes. I was upbeat - didn't want him to think I was upset with what he said.

After S went to bed he said:
-I don't want to hurt you or S
-I still care about you
-I want you to be happy
-I don't want to give you false hope
-I miss a lot of things about our family

I told him I appreciated his honesty. He said he had to go and gave me a long hug. He was about to leave but then came back and gave me another long hug and I said have a good night.

So now I'm back to square one with DB, keeping busy and detaching some more. I think when S and I were away last week and almost no contact, he realized he really missed us and wanted to come back but now...

[addie]

H called this afternoon, said he was working very late but asked if he could have dinner here afterwards. So he came by just before S's bedtime, had dinner and then needed to use the computer. That's the actual reason he came over. We talked very "normally" as we used to before bomb about non important things. He didn't stay long - said he was really tired.
Same ritual when leaving - gave me a long hug, headed towards the door, then came back and gave me another long hug. The recent hugs have felt great - it's how he used to hug me pre S.

[stella_k]

Addie, I printed it out for you (and for myself):

Now during stage TWO of Acceptance, will come the temptations to want to go back to what they came out of. The silence of the spouse is most important during this time-all you can do is be understanding and patient with them as this MUST happen and they MUST come through alone.
They will SEEM to be going backward, but aren't, this is necessary for them to move forward.
It is during this time they will "revisit" ALL stages of the Mid Life Crisis except Denial and shuts the "doors" to each stage PERMANENTLY one by one, never to return.
If they give in to temptation OR get spooked by their final fears, they WILL run BACK into the tunnel a little ways. But they can only run back as far as the doors have NOT been closed permanently; most of the time they just run back as far as WITHDRAWAL, but will continue the process to come out once they feel "safe" to continue. So, they must be allowed to come through WITHOUT interruption, no matter what happens.

(From Hearts Blessing' post).

I see many positives in your sitch - hugs, especially!
You are doing so well, don't lose heart now!

(((Addie)))

[addie]

Stella, thanks for taking the time to print out the above post. It's REALLY helpful to read about the different phases of MLC.
I do sense H wants to come back but for many reasons including the uncertainty/unhappiness with his job, he remains conflicted and does not want to take the chance of possibly hurting me again.
At least I do know that he's been thinking about coming back which means that things can't be going that well with OW.
I'll keep hanging in there.

[JenInVen]

Hi Addie. There are a lot of positives to your stich. I think you're doing great! It seems that as long as you play it cool and don't rush him things might turn out very good.

Jen

[addie]

Thanks Jen for the vote of confidence.

H was here first thing this morning (I wasn't expecting him and hadn't erased the history on the computer - I was afraid he'd find the history on this site so I stayed close by and he didn't look) to file his taxes electronically but ran into problems and got upset. He then apologized telling me he wasn't upset with me. He left saying have a good day - no hug.
I hate all this back and forth - affectionate one day and nothing the next. Very frustrating!!!

[W2G]

Hi Addie,

He's making moves toward you.. which means he's making moves away from OW.. this deserves a little "WOOO HOOOO"!! Keep up the good work. I'm glad to hear that he's concerned about hurting you again. He should be. He needs to have his heart on straight and his head on straight (well as straight as he can get it ) to really make a go of it....

You are doing great!
W2G

[addie]

Thanks W2G!!!

The more I think about H's recent actions, the more I realize he's really wanting to think things through. He keeps telling me he wants to find the truth for himself.
Also when we talked a couple of nights ago he said that he didn't want to give himself false hopes either. I think he's afraid of getting really close to me again but realizes S and I will be moving to our hometown in a couple of months and he's still unsure of his job situation. He may very well be working in another city and then what???

[Kalni]

addie,

I haven't been keeping a close eye on you the last couple of days, sorry. You've been quiet too. I hope everything goes smoothly as expected (which is up and then down and then up and then down again)...

My advice at this point is to keep still and quiet. Do not interrupt his thinking process.

Hang in there
K