You sound like you are in a relatively healthy place regarding her dating. Face it, we can't stop it if they do. I don't think my W is seeing anyone, but I don't have much contact at all, and frankly I am at a place where I don't care. They will make their decisions, and they will have to learn to live with the consequences, both good and bad. Meanwhile, we live our lives and face our own truths.
You sound as if detachment is going relatively well for the moment. Good for you. It's a slow process, to be sure, but I'm finding that what people have said is true--it does get better if we practice the healthy advice of GAL, working on ourselves, letting them go as best we can.
I read a wonderful quote this morning:
"Everything that happens offers an opportunity for awakening."
Don't know who said it, but it struck me as profoundly true. We choose our reactions to life's situations. We can focus on the pain, the hurt, the jealousy, or whatever negative emotion to the point of remaining stuck. If we feel those, we must acknowledge them, but I feel it's critical not to stay there. We must make the effort to awaken to ourselves, to life, and to who our WAW have become. We want to cling to the old paradigm, or some fantasy paradigm of what we hope the future could be, but either of those simply takes away from the situation right now.
Wise words Bruce. I think my w is dead set on the big D and I think that is where we are heading. What a terrible thing for my poor kids but it may be better for them then seeing us so unhappy and argueing all the time. It is time for me to awaken and face the future dead on. I really wish it was not this way but i am having trouble living this way and must do something.
Your situation sounds so incredibly difficult. I think you are doing great to have the courage to look at the tough decisions ahead. Some of the major change that needs to happen here has to do with your W. and if she is not in that kind of a place, it could be good to consider how tenable it is for you. Tough call, but then the place you have been in is also very painful in another way. I just see you hurting so much and being exposed to some really unpleasant stuff. She is hurting and confused right now and it appears that this may continue for some time.
Thinking of you, Treeman. Take care of yourself today.
I hope you are feeling well. I have to be careful for she is reading all of this now and has been for a while. She lied about that also. I can not imagine what it would be like to live such lies everyday. Well I have desided that i am going to go ahead and have a great life, one that she will most likly miss out on. I have three great kids whom i love so much my heart is in pain for them. It must be really hard to lose your love for someone after all we have been through together but I want nothing but happiness for her and even if it kills me I want her to live the rest of her life happy. It took me a long time to detach and accept but my future is going to be very bright. I have many great friends that love me dearly and have told me so lately. I don't think I have been this close to my family (Mom, Sis and Bro) in years, I never knew how much they cared about me and how worried they have been for me for the last twenty years. I have been so abused that I didn't think anyone gave a cr*p about me. I was sleep walking through life. Now I am alive. In the last 6 months I have lost so much but gained even more. I have really grown in so many ways, I am really a whole new person that I really like.
I pray for the health of my wife and children through this difficult time everyday. I will love again and I will be loved again. Time takes time.
Your last post was right on the money. Good for you for seeing things this way. I feel the same way. We may have lost our M, but we have gained our lives, and that's a good trade. It's a painful transition, to be sure, but I would not want to go back to the old self. Change often/usually happens only when there is a crisis, something to force us off the old journey. We are sometimes thrown off by forces we can't control, or sometimes we leap. Either way, we go to a new road and the world never looks the same again. That is good. I don't look at my past with my W the same way I used to--I see many more problems, but I am resolved not to live in the past but rather to learn from it. We can only connect the dots in retrospect. But once we do, we might be able to learn so as to craft a better life. Live in the moment. Let WAW live in the past. Mine said that she can't forget the past. Well, that's her choice, but it's not the type of person I need in my life. It really is healthier to live in the now. Darn near every self help/marital advice book I've read talks about letting go of the past; clinging to it (either the good parts or the pain) is not healthy. Live in the now.
Great post, I am very much living in the moment. Essie, I hope we did not offend you, you are wonderful but here in the states there are simple many more available women then men at my age. If we offended you I am sorry.
My S12 had a nightmare and was awake most of the night because he dreamed a robber came into our house and killed our family. Very sad. This kid is so wonderful and is being dragged through our hell.
Wow, so sorry to hear about your son's dream. How painful for him, and for you to hear about knowing that dreams are something you cannot control. This is so hard on kids. I don't have any. It's enough to keep myself on the path some days, so I offer a big dose of respect to you and all the others hear who help keep their kids cope too.
