What would (or did) you say in a last-ditch effort

[No_More_Dodo]

galing,

You make some awesome points!

In the end, one needs to look at it from more of an external view...... Assume you met someone at church, synagogue or bookstore... He told you he did to his W exactly what your exH/H did to you.... Would you want to pursue a serious relationship with this person?


No_More_Dodo

[cat03]

Until you quit trying to run the show, STBX will NOT reconsider his choices.

I believe my tight grip on what H was doing,running tabs on him, my machinations on ways to make him want to stay speed the way for my H to leave.

Until you admit you can't make him do anything you will suffer, you will try to put upon yourself what God himself can't do: make him love you and come back to you.

In his mind, he's light years away, you are looking for a magical formula, the perfect thing to say to make him reconsider. Well, it didnt' work for me, for about 3mths we'd have so many such talks with my H, but the bottom line was that my H did not have his heart set on fixing our M, so time and time again he'd betray me and tore my heart to shreds.
He is gone now and believes I drag him down and is just not happy in this house with me, no amount of talk, love, time, attention from my part made him change his mind in the past.

Those happy times I had with him, when he was my loving h and a healthy individual, I will cherish and save in the back of my mind, we enjoyed our youth together and nothing will take that away.

We had an "ideal" way my life, your life was supposed to turned out, it doesnt' have to be that or nothing. Think of all the other women out there who loose their Hs to death, what are they supposed to say now, that they will be unhappy forever after? no! life continues. each time we wake up we must choose fight our fear and claim the day for us, for our kids.

I know it is terrifying to dream up a new future without your H in it, I can' really do it yet... but at least I can picture the next few months and know that i will be ok and that I will try all I can to make my 2kids happy, we can only take it one day at a time at this point.

My prayers your way)))))))))))) give yourself permission to grieve but dont' despair, you have so many chances to be happy without him.

[Reincarnated]

To all of my friends (here and over on Separated):

I want to thank you for your warm, kind words, yet again directed to someone who gets lost so often. I do have to say that those moments are much more infrequent, and I feel a kind of...separateness, from my stbxh that I haven't had before.

I can finally say out loud that he has been with CW for over 2 years. It is irrational to think that I can change him or the situation after all of that time. I can finally say it out loud: I will be divorced in as few as 2 months time.

I remember reading posts from other members who just "didn't get it," shaking my head as I posted again for them to get the focus on themselves, GAL, etc. Yet, I was one of the worst ones. And my self-esteem only got lower and lower; I got sicker and sicker. He, on the other hand, has been nothing but consistent. Oh, except for his anger--that has increased. Seems like the more I gave up, begged, pursued, talked at all, the angrier he got.

My God, I have been on these boards for over a year! What I have really been waiting for, what I was so afraid of happening, was for the part of me that was husband/wife to die. At first I had to accept that the man who I loved so much was gone--the good man was dead, and in his place stood the lier, the cheater, the immoral, the cruel, the selfish. She got that man; I don't want him. Who I wanted so much, that person exists no more.

Then, I had to change. That is relatively new. I have given up hope that we will reconcile. I had to stop pretending that this was just a phase, a challenge that we would somehow find the way through. I gave up hoping that he would finally see. He does see, just not how I had hoped he would. Our perceptions and influences come from two totally opposite places.

Now, I just feel...a bit lost. Like I just lifted my head for the first time in too long of a time to look around. Out of my own fog. More bewildered than panicked. I imagine that people returning to Earth after an alien abduction would feel the same way. Looking ahead at the choices that I have in front of me, now, without the H filter on. Its me, my kids, my family, my friends, my work, my studies, my home...my life. Makes me a bit light-headed. But not scared.

I know that I have made many, many mistakes. But it is the path that I was meant to take. I don't think I could have lived it any other way. Even the darkest of days made me push deeper inward, to the hard work that I needed to do on myself. I wouldn't wish those feelings on anyone, but they were necessary for me.


What has come of me, now that I accept the divorce as inevitable?
--I dated a man briefly and discovered that I am not dead, nor a troll. It fizzled with no hard feelings either way.
--I have found and embraced my spirituality, through becoming a member of a local church and by participating in weekend meditation retreats at an Ashram.
--I reconnected, then separated, from my estranged sister.
--I go to AlAnon and have a sponsor, both which have helped me understand how my upbringing had set me on the path that I find myself today, for good and bad.
--I attended a Self-esteem group, where I found other women who were trying to rewrite the negative scripts in their own heads, and take control over their lives.
--I found a place that offers support for divorced families, where I find kindred souls and my kids talk things out and find that they are not alone, but normal.
--I am learning the skills to be mindful, to change my behaviors and even ruminating, unwanted thoughts. I learn and relearn that happiness is only found in the present--the past is unchangeable history and tomorrow hasn't happened yet.
--I developed and/or deepened friendships and connections with people, many of them strong women who have been on this path before.
--I am writing again (I always admired and wanted a diary, even as a young girl, but was never disciplined enough for it. Now it is a daily necessity).
--I am learning life skills that I never had to develop in my co-dependent relationship: organization, proper housekeeping, mechanical "man" things like car care and simple construction, making sure that actions accompany thoughts and words, prioritizing my time and energy, taking care of myself, learning to love and accept myself and making a commitment to challenge and improve in ways that I think are important (be true to myself). I am reading good material that supports me in this transformation.
--I continue my grad studies, with the goal of completion by the end of the summer. It will be one of my biggest, visible solo achievements.
--I am remembering to have fun with my kids and puppy--we are only here, at this very moment, once!

I am getting my butt back to work on the 9th--high time. I have put some routines into place to help me adjust, so I don't feel overwhelmed again (that was the last straw for the Jan "breakthrough"). My life is full of things that I think are important and healthy. My kids are slowly coming to terms with their new lives, too. No, it is not what any of us wanted, but it is what it is, so we might as well deal with it (words of wisdom from my 8-year old!!).

Thank you again, for being here for me (and to Michele, for having these forums in the first place!)

[bright_new_day]

I haven't posted much lately, I've been busy, but I always check up on certain people, and you are one of them. I have read your posts in the past and cried for your pain...I had felt it too. Today I read your post and was happy. You have made such a breakthrough. I know it was hard, it was hard for me also, but I did it. We all did it in some way or other.

My God, I have been on these boards for over a year! What I have really been waiting for, what I was so afraid of happening, was for the part of me that was husband/wife to die. At first I had to accept that the man who I loved so much was gone--the good man was dead, and in his place stood the lier, the cheater, the immoral, the cruel, the selfish. She got that man; I don't want him. Who I wanted so much, that person exists no more.

This was a huge awakening wasn't it. I think that is the hardest thing for so many of us....realizing that the person we loved doesn't exist anymore. That they have become something we can no longer love, trust, or respect. Seeing your former spouse become a manipulative liar is so confusing. How can someone you loved say and do those things? The person you loved is truly gone, while they stand in front of you and lie, without batting an eyelash. I know that was the hardest thing for me to accept. But it is what it is. You are accepting that and moving on. I am so happy for you.

Now, I just feel...a bit lost. Like I just lifted my head for the first time in too long of a time to look around. Out of my own fog. More bewildered than panicked. I imagine that people returning to Earth after an alien abduction would feel the same way. Looking ahead at the choices that I have in front of me, now, without the H filter on. Its me, my kids, my family, my friends, my work, my studies, my home...my life. Makes me a bit light-headed. But not scared.

I think you will find that things will truly fall into place for you in a good way. After my fog lifted I had so many good thngs happen. I got the job I was working for, made new friends, reconnected with old friends. I am a stronger person nopw that I have been for over 10 years, because I survived and thrived. I no longer had someone constantly pointing out my faults. I see my strengths! You have amazing strengths, and you will come through this better and stronger than you can begin to imagine!

I can finally say out loud that he has been with CW for over 2 years. It is irrational to think that I can change him or the situation after all of that time. I can finally say it out loud: I will be divorced in as few as 2 months time.

No, you cannot change him. He is going to do whatever he does, without considering you or possibly the kids. Be prepared. My X married the woman he swore for over a year was just a friend 14 days after our divorce was final. In a matter of 14 months my children went from living in an intact family to having a step-family. He never considered the effect of his actions on the kids. He said to me at one point that the kids would be happy because he was happy. How do you reason with such gross selfishness and self-absorption? You can't, all you can do is be the rock for them. You need to keep focused on being strong and together and you will make it through.

Post when you can....I follow your situation because I feel so much of what you have gone through.

[Reincarnated]

I got the exact same justification--he wasn't happy, and that was "bound to impact the kids." He sees this as a way for all of us to be happy (um, thanks...?). He hasn't moved an inch in his own growth or introspection; maybe he never will.

The way that he can be so cruel (he actually laughed at me once, when I was in obvious pain), the lying, the self-absorbtion...it is a foreign concept to me. It doesn't help that I never think of this from anyone (naive, I know)--my brain just never goes there. Being so gulliable makes me vulnerable to this kind of abuse, and it is always a surprise. I want to learn my lesson, but I also don't want to completely loose that quality of faith in people...a hard balance.

Now, there is only occasional contact, mostly by email, about kids and divorce/$$ issues. He is broke. Really, no money. Poor guy; we don't have anything extra, either. But I am bracing for the nastiness. He wants to reduce the weekly support and get me off of his pension completely in exchange for his 1/3 share of the house. That part of me, at least, has always been practical. Frustrated the hell out of him, when I would stand up for myself when it came to business or the kids, then would break down hoping that he would reconsider and just try again. He didn't get how I could be able to feel both. Now, I am just concerned about the finances. He has no money sense.

I am grateful, and annoyed, that he wants to be so involved in the kids' lives. He has dinner with them twice a week, takes them every other weekend, and calls every night at 7 o'clock. He went to a parent/teacher conference for D (the teacher was gratious enough to set aside 2 times for us, so we didn't have to sit through it together). In all other aspects of his life, he is trying to be "the good guy" he always was. It makes me very uncomfortable, especially when so many others seem to just gloss over what he has actually done to me and his family. But I am separating myself from that, as well. If they can relate to him on that shallow of a level--"what can he do for me" kind of thinking--then I don't need to count on them in my own close circle of people, anyway. I guess it is a way to see others' true colors. I know that he is no Superman, no one to look up to. He used to be chided for ruining the curve for the guys in the neighborhood--they tell me now that he has been knocked down quite a few pegs.

So, no flash of insight, no earth-shattering awareness...just woke up one day and felt done. Like something was absent, but not really missed too badly. Not overly happy, or sad, or depressed, or much of anything. It just is what it is. And the topic is getting pretty boring. So, I am looking forward to getting back to work. That will be the last piece of the puzzle for the time being--kids, family, puppy, work, grad school, AlAnon, counseling, household, Girl Scouts. That's enough.

[NNP1965]

Hi Donna, it is good to see you post. Thanks for adding me on your myspace. The reason I was trying to reach you was to ask about your interaction with your estranged sister. My oldest half sister (who I have not seen since my Dad's funeral 20 years) ago sent me a letter in January. We have begun an email chatting relationship and I am really hoping that we can become friends as adults. I was 6 years old when she left (escaped) our house to get married (she is one her 4th marriage now).

Is it your choice to have no further contact with your sister?

[FA]

Donna....how are ya?!

[Reincarnated]

Hey, FA. Still sore from those old 2x4s of yours ;0)

Mostly good days, but still grieving sometimes. IC says that it can take up to 1/2 the time you were married/together to really be completely healed--that would be 7--10 years.

I don't plan to be moping around for all that time, though--too much to do! The kids are 12 and almost 9, and I can't afford to miss a second with them. Getting back to work next week, too. And away to an Ashram this weekend for some yoga, meditation, and veggie food. Still in touch with a big list of friends, and trying not to fry my brain with introspection mixed in with grad studies!

Got back in, then out, of touch with my sis over the last few months (NNP, she is bi-polar and it was kind of expected). But I even got some stuff out of that.

I saw your title, but haven't been on to read--hope everything is as you would have it. I'll pop in every now and again...