She is thinking only of her happiness, I assure you. This is all about her, not her children and certainly not you. I promise you that she could justify her actions b/c she could rewrite her history with you. If she goes through with the D from you, she will wake up some day to find herself in the same R with this OM! That is what those E-Books you got talks about. She is going on emotion and nothing logical. She will not talk nor act like the woman you have known and loved all these years. The sooner you can pull yourself up and stop asking how or why she can do this to you and the kids and all the people that love her....the sooner you will get on the road to a better life. If you want to make a stand for you M and want to work harder than you have ever worked before, then you must prepare yourself for battle.
One of the hardest....and what seems to be the most unfair in the battle, is to change yourself. Why should you change, right? She is the one screwing up! You change to make improvements on you for you! Not to get her back or not for just a short period of time...but for life. Men and women that never thought they could possibly be happy again b/c of what their S was doing, found out that through their personal changes for the better.....they begin to like themselves! They became attractive. They were no longer a big bore to be around. They worked out and started getting a body to die for....turning the heads of other females, no less. Not that that is what your goal is at this point, but I'm saying that whether you stay in the M or get a D.....you need to be the best man you can be. If your W goes on to get a D, then you will be a better man for somebody else that will appreciate you. That is one of the first things to start doing....working on you. Exercise is a good outlet for some of that anger in you. The gym, weight lifting, running......whatever you like to do, just as long as you do something and stop staying at the house all the time. That leads us to the next step.
You need to get a life (GAL)! I know with four kids, how do you do that, right? You are a smart man. Leave the house before your W does. Find a baby-sitter or relatives. I know you probably wouldn't like doing that, but you need to show her you are not going to stay there in that house and baby-sit while she goes to screw her lover. So, find something to do that will get you out! Go to the mall and walk around, buy new clothes, new cologne (that will make her wonder), get a new hair cut........ride around town, go bowling, to a ball game...whatever. I don't suggest you go looking for a woman! That will only add gasoline to the fire. Don't try to repay her for what she is doing to you.
Don't give up, even if the D goes through you need to keep coming back here for a while. But know that you can vent to us and you have people here that do care and it may get worse before it gets better, but just keep hanging in there. I respect you for trying to take care of your kids. I hope you didn't misunderstand what I meant by getting out of the house before she did to stick her with the responsibility of the children. But, that is one way to make her do it. She has been doing it to you. Even if you have to call and say you won't be home that you have other things you need to do....and go eat out spend the evening with a buddy.
Hope you get to feeling better, sweetie, I know you are going through hell right now and that you are trying to be there for your kids and to be strong for them. They do need you and I'm sure they are confused if they know their mom is up to no good. But in order to be good for them, you need to be good to yourself, also.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
