She is very bitter, angry and controlling. I have to resist mightily the temptation to defend my actions and argue back w/ her. I can't really say a word to her right now as she won't listen and simply doesn't care.
I too think it is a bit preposterous that she expects me to want to cuddle and hug her whenever I see her. I miss her dearly, but I wouldn't let her back into my house right now and we definitely wouldn't move in together. NO WAY! I will not go through this again, so if the discussion of reconnecting there will be a lot of hoops for her to go through for sure. However, that is but a mere distant dream at this point.
As for grounds for divorce, in Arizona we are a no-fault divorce state so you don't need a reason. W cited "irreconcilable differences" as she claims to be mentally and physically afraid of me and that I squandered "all of our money." The adultery, unfortunately, has little to no effect. The state just seems to say "it is normal these days, so we won't worry too much about it." I think it sucks.
I did speak w/ the parenting evaluator today and told him I'm concerned as to why W is allowing D to call OM by another name. I told him I can't control her affair and don't want to, but I am concerned that W may be using D to help conceal her involvement w/ OM and to me that is not acceptable. I don't know what the parenting evaluator's opinion is of what I told him and I really can't look to be too concerned over what he thinks.
I've been up-front and honest w/ him this entire time, I don't badger him to death w/ things I'm concerned that my W is doing w/ D and I didn't tell him of this as a way to "get at my W." I did this simply and purely out of concern for the psychological welfare of my D. I'm hoping the evaluator will see it in this same light.
Thanks again for your note, Ali. I'll talk w/ you later.
Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you all that W agreed in writing to not seek any additional compensation for the items we've agreed upon from the house.
Her e-mails today have been non-confrontational and were not filled w/ venom for the 1st time in a while. I'm wondering if my standing up to her and telling her she was acting in an unacceptable manner had anything to do w/ it?
Again, like always w/ her, who really knows what is going on in that head?
I'm going to make another appointment w/ a DB coach and see what she thinks I should do for the time being. The answer may be nothing - a.k.a. more of the same darkness.
It could be that your W is starting to get some feedback from the evaluator and realizes she is blowing it by being such a hostile person. Or it could just be that Dr Jeckle has returned for a short time.
Kerry - Who the F knows w/ her? Her mood and demeanor w/ me is about as easy to predict as the winning Power Ball numbers. One in about 2.5 million times I'll hit on the right answer.
I just did my 100 push-ups and rode the bike (which I'm sad to say is going away w/ W) for the 1st time in 2+ weeks. It felt good and I'm glad I did it. I'm heading to the gym at 7 for my 1st consultation w/ a trainer to set me up on a program.
Also, I've taken off my ring. I've debated and debated this to death, but I've decided that I needed to do it for me. I'm not giving up on trying to save my relationship w/ my W, but I need to focus on myself and I've come to realize the ring made it difficult to detach.
W may be surprised to see me w/out it as well, but I'm not doing this to get a reaction from her. I've done it to get me to refocus on me and my D right now. I can't spend time worrying about W as she clearly doesn't want any part of me. However, I need to be the best me I can for myself and my D regardless of what happens w/ W.
It makes me sad, but I'm ok w/ the decision. I need now to be about me and D w/ no distractions.
Just got back from signing up for training at the gym I joined on Monday. We went through a pre-liminary workout and this will be very good for me. I scheduled 12 lessons (2/week w/ the trainer) to make sure I showed up to the gym and worked out. I'm also pretty pumped that I measured in at only 14% body fat, which surprised me as I haven't been the most active of guys lately.
Anyway, the consistency will do me wonders and I'm excited to get going. I had a good workout before I left and got another good one at the gym, so I feel energized and I'm hoping I'll sleep better tonight and be able to wake up easier than I have for the past week or so.
I got to speak to my little angel for a few minutes tonight and she was excited that I was going to see her tomorrow. She asked me if I'd take her out for suahi, so that's what's for dinner tomorrow night. Yes, the almost 5-year-old LOVES to eat sushi. I'm a huge sushi fan, so she doesn't have to ask me twice.
Well, now I've got to run and finish all the paperwork I need to submit for my meeting w/ the L tomorrow. YUCK! Anyway, I'll talk to you all later.
RTL, In all honesty, this time is about survival. You do not want to slip into depression and you want to get through this and move forward. I can completely understand where you are coming from. I have begun to weigh my future in administration and my future because of all the things that I have gone through.
This is a difficult time and getting through each day is an accomplishment. I am sure people can see you are hurting but being able to perform your job is something that you should be encouraged about. Take joy in your time at work, I know it may not be your happiest spot but at least you are not at home thinking about what has transpired there.
Take it one step at a time, you will get through this. There were times where I thought this would never end and I am not out of the woods yet but there is an end in sight for me. It is a process and as long as you fight for yourself as well as your D, you will get through all of this...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
I really appreciate your insight especially since you are a fellow educator like me. I know I've got no choice but to push forward. It is very difficult, but you are exactly correct, I CAN'T ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME DEPRESSED. If I do that, I'm letting my D down as well as myself.
I think what I get stuck on is how everything I read says to not give up, but I really don't know how my W will ever be able to undo all the negative stories she's planted about me to her friends and familiy. I am going to remain hopeful, but not overly optimistic. I'm also going to keep developing me and leave open the possibility of reconciliation, but I won't just sit around w/ the light on or wait anxiously by the phone for her to return.
I can't do that. That would kill me and destroy my effectiveness to be the best father I can for my D. I have to continue, despite it being very diffcult, to be the man and be the rock my W will hopefully look for someday.
It is a faint hope, but it is what I've got to keep out there.
I'm glad to know things are going to get better b/c I don't know how much lower I could go right now.
I have to continue, despite it being very diffcult, to be the man and be the rock my W will hopefully look for someday.
I believe it is this statement from you that I liked most of all.
Keep going man. I don't know exactly when we will arrive at our 'destination'. But so many of us are on a path towards what is best for our lives. We have to help each other fight through the pain. There will never be any doubt in my mind that the payoffs will be well worth enduring these agonizing days.
"What doesn't kill you will surely make you stronger." -->don't know who said it, but it does seem kinda applicable.
There is goodness in every day. If you have to change your vantage point and reposition yourself, then move until you become part of a wonderful moment.
I hope your return to working out was refreshing. Are you cursing the personal trainer yet? lol
RTL, My STBX is also making claims that are incredibly out there abouit me. My father made a good point about all of that, live your life the right way so when people do make false claims about you they know the claims are wrong because of the life you lead.
In my situation, the people she has been talking to do not really know me but that is none of my concern. With what I have seen them do around my son, I do not want to be a part of them.
One thing I learned through all of this, you can only control yourself. Be the rock oyu want to be in an attempt to win her back. If it is not in the cards you are the person you want to be and better off for the next person you may desire to get into a relationship with. Either way YOU are better off.
Focus on your D. That was one thing that helped me get through this time. Once my STBX began to keep him away from me, that was when I knew it was over. There is no way someone who claims to care about the welfare of their child will keep them away from their father. It was her last attmpt to get the freedom she wanted without the guilt of filing for divorce.
Look at the little things in life that are enjoyable. You will see a shift in your priorities and you will begin to focus on things a littel differently as you go through this. Just take it one day at a time...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
Thank you. I'm sorry you are familiar w/ my situation. I really am. It sucks. Are you currently working on custody issues as well? Do you still want your W back or are you moving on? I'm curious to know your story as well.
My update... D and I went out to sushi last night then came home and basically were both out by 9. This morning as I was taking us to work and daycare, W sent a text asking "was D ok this morning?" I didn't reply, but I was a bit befuddled as to what she was looking for.
Anyway, I picked up D early from daycare to take her to my dr.'s appointment only to find out the appointment is for NEXT Friday. So, D and I got gas in the car (D washed all the windows w/ the squeegie - it was so cute and she was so proud of her work), then we stopped and bought some DVDs for her to watch when she is with me.
Next we stopped and saw puppies and I got a haircut, so D wanted one as well. I didn't dare let her get a "real" haircut, so she had about a 1/2 inch cut off and she was so pleased and asked "doesn't my hair look pretty?" We then went home and I fixed her dinner, did a light workout, then we went up to the high school baseball game.
D called W while we were at the game and talked w/ her for about a minute or so. About 45 minutes or so after D's call, I get this text from W:
Quote:
thank you. although you are obviously not intelligent enough to realize it, your continued, blatant coaching of D makes you look terrible to the court and helps me greatly. so thank you and keep up the terrible job.
She followed it up with a text saying "August 14..." That is the day she said she was unhappy and didn't know if she loved me anymore.
I didn't text back and I've resited the urge to defend myself, but I'm so hurt, scared, angry and confused. What is this? I'm not coaching my D. My D is telling me things about the OM. Did W go to the parenting evaluator and he discussed my concern about D not calling OM by his real name w/ her? Is this what she is calling my "coaching?" I don't know, but now I'm all defensive and racking my brain trying to figure out what I could have done wrong.
I don't know what to do here. I really don't. I'm tired of being harrassed by her and I'm tired of her mean spirited actions and words. I hate that I'm second guessing myself now about my words and behavior around D. Did she deny the affair w/ the OM and tell the parenting evaluator that D isn't calling him by an incorrect name? I'm at a loss here. This really brings me down. I don't know what the Hell is going on and W has me at my wit's end.
I'm not going to respond b/c I don't know what I can say or do that would make a difference. I guess I know that I haven't coached D about the OM or about anything else for that matter. If I guilty of trying to coach her on anything it is on the concept that she lives sometimes in her "house w/ mommy" and sometimes in her "house w/ daddy." I'm doing this so she'll always feel like she has a place, not to get her to choose me over her mother. I was told to make sure I do this in my parenting class, so I'm focusing on making sure D feels like she belongs and has ownership of somewhere.
Is this what I'm doing that is wrong or did W lie to the parenting evaluator about her affair? If it is the first, I'm not doing anything wrong, and if it is the latter, then I hope this guy can either see through her or do his homework to find out that OM does indeed live in the same complex as W.
I'm still not in a good place over this. Why did she have to give up? Why did she have to be so mean? Where did my W go? Why am I still trying to save us? She is so mean. Will she ever soften?
I really want to quit and fight back just as nastily as she's doing, but I can't. I want to, but I can't.
I'm down and need to got to sleep. I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback.
