Waw At full speed

[25yearsmlc]

Sounds like she IS noticing the 180's and can't figure them out. If you're supposed to be a stick in the mud, "un-fun" guy, how can you let your son have a party and be happy? Oooops, you're countering her negatives with the new you. Or maybe this is the "real" you without a critic around (?)

Either way, the good news is that the change in your life that you did NOT welcome, (like having an OM) had at least the positive influence on you being ablt to assess how your attitude affected others around you. And their feelings about being around you. So, you're working on it. A problem that's being worked on, isn't a problem anymore.

With time, your W will see that you are not acting like someone else. You are changing/improving as a man. She may wonder if it's unfair that the "new you" will be a great catch for the next woman and that she only got the depressed version of you. This actually is a common complaint of WAS's, i.e., that the LBSer finally "gets" it and makes the changes that the WAS wanted for so long. But that goes both ways. In reality, if the changes each partner makes ARE real, then the actual remaining problem is simply one of forgiveness. Meaning, if the spouse (say H for example) is behaving in a way that the W finds to be a deal breaker, then often the W will leave the M. THEN the H sees he's lost his W and "wakes up" and changes the deal breaking behavior, so you'd think all would be well. But some WAS's wait so long to leave that there isn't anything the LBSer can do to make up for it and therefore the M really is over. In those cases, you can only hope the W warned the H that she'd leave if the behavior continued, but sometimes the W (in this example of course) waits until there is NO love in her heart, and then she leaves. So she has no motivation for "working" on things, or forgiving. THIS presumes a M that had mostly onesided problems, which is not your case, since your W has OM in her life. Then the "awakened" spouse has to hope with enough time, the WAS will see that the changes are real and will allow old feelings of love to resurface. The "old" love can only resurface and be acknowleged when the spouse feels safe to do so.

I'm babbling on and my point really was that you're doing something right and she IS noticing. Keep it up. If she confronts you with "Why are you doing such and such, or why are you doing it NOW?", you can say that you do recognize your role in some of the M's issues/problems and you'd do things differently if you could and you are. IF she says "too late now" (which may mean she wants to punish you more, or "teach you a lesson") you can say "that's too bad", which it would be. Or better yet, say it's "never too late" for YOU to work on YOURSELF because you want "to be the best man you can be, regardless" of where she is or what she's doing. Stay upbeat.

Interesting also if she seems to want to teach you a lesson---yes that's punitive in a way. But it's also her way of testing the changes to see if they're real. Maybe you were a drag to be around, or really hurt the kids or hurt her with the critical comments you admit having made. (That's a great insight and a great starting point for you). If you were half as critical as you recall (and unfortunately you were probably more critical than you recall) she probably doesn't feel safe around you yet.

If You ragged on her, that can and will eat away at her self esteem. And as a mother it'll worry her about the kids' welfare, emotionally. So Give her time. Give them time. The kids WANT to see the best in you. Let them. They'll pass it on to her, believe me. Plus, she'll want to believe it, at some level down deep. Mothers want their kids to feel loved by their dads (unless the mother is a narcissistic witch, in which case you should sue for custody and move on....but guessing that's not the case though)

Look, as far as teaching you a lesson, checking for changes, etc. Basically, you HAVE learned your lesson!! Steal her thunder, and counter those negatives without arguing them. "Yep, I was too critical. I was down on myself and took it out on you. But I'm different now, I'm SORRY, and I'm not doing that anymore..." Then prove it. What can she say then? (If you've already apologized, repeating it now and then or when it comes up isn't a bad idea but you do have to project the belief that it's over, you apologized and you're following through with real changes. At some point you'll know when you've apologized enough and as long as it isn't false pride dictating, then trust that feeling and keep on with the new you.

Demonstrate that when she's around the new/real you, she's not going to feel bad anymore. On the contrary, you're her friend, the loving strong father of her children, a confidante, and eventually you can be a lot more. Give it time. Learn patience like you never thought you could. Keep up the good work.
(( j- ))