Still in love with my waw....after divorce

[Bill_S]

Hi Chevelle,

I feel now, that this was a blessing in disguise for me. I always hold love for her..but I would not have made the neccessary changes in me that I needed and God wanted to show me to make. I also feel that this would have ended in some way shape or form later on anyway in the state I was in, anyways

Ive felt the same. So many chains have fallen over the last 5 years! Im not even close to the man she married. Im 10 times better. I dont want her to crash anymore. I feel sorry for her. I see the way she repeats her behavior. She doesnt. I saw her fall away into drinking, sex and lies. She justified it. She blamed me when she "turned off" and stopped loving me. I didnt touch her enough, say "I love you" enough, leave her little notes lying around......basically....be more like her dad. Thats an example most men cant meet. She said this new guy (she just left to go for a bike ride with him. Im in the basement "cleaning") has a personality just like her dad. ???? Hes a recovering alcoholic, took a woman from her kids for entire weekends, cheated on her, lied, dumped her for another woman and crawled back and she took him back, only to find out last week he was bashing her to people, AND texting dirty messages to his ex AFTER she took him back......
So much like her father, right! As for all the men in her life, Im the closest shes ever come. Maybe not the outgoing type always smiling but when it came to unconditional love, I was. Who would stand by a woman for 5 years even after affairs and being cruel to him? I was always there for her. Always ready to listen and forgive. It was tough. Thought thats what "for better or worse" meant. She said she kept her vows until she turned off. So what about me. I still pray the last "thread" will be cut so it wont hurt anymore.....still waiting. Her first ex is trying to buddy up to me and tell me her "secrets". Probably lying but if not....

Oh well....venting over. Will I take her back? Probably not. It would take a major miracle in my heart now. Do I love her? Always and forever. Do I want her to suffer? No. I would like her someday to see what she lost and cry over it. Probably will never see that but it would be nice.

In a nutshell, Im trying to just be better than the day before. A better man, dad, Christian and ex-husband. Trying to see her as God does....tough. Treat her with respect and compassion without being walked on....even tougher. But thats what we do. We pick ourselves up, brush it off, pray on it and keep going....very tough.

Just found her work I.D. from where we met and the first Christmas card (I think) I gave her in a box. Along with journal pages I shouldnt have read. Hurt bad. I cried, prayed and got back to work. Now Im getting cleaned up and taking my son and her kids out to eat. I hope shes having a nice ride with her BF....its a beautiful day.

Bill