Hanging On To What I Believe In - 2

[ba065]

Hi all!

I haven't been online for the past few weeks, so I have a lot of catching up to do! I have had so much happen in the past few weeks I don't even know where to begin....I will probably just post a few bits and pieces.

Trip home to IL for the funeral went well. Car ride was long, but comfortable. Being home with family and friends was great. H and I both had a difficult time at the funeral but we were both glad to have gone. I think it really made H think about things...which was good. When we got back on that Saturday the kids were home for spring break and it was nice to have them both home for a week. H moved back into our bedroom on the 18th of March....he only stayed for 4 days before he moved back to the guest room....I was disappointed yet again, but it wasn't totally unexpected, as I have learned not to expect much anymore. Nothing major happened to cause him to move out....it was just how he "felt" again.

We've been biking alot, going to church, spending the evenings visiting or watching TV together. Going out for dinners occaisonally. H has quit spending so much money...which is another good thing. The phone calls with MOW have slowed, but still continue, as do the occaisonal lunches...??? I'm tired of trying to keep track.

Big fight Sunday of this past week....mostly about us and MOW. H threatened to move out.....but has since backed way off that threat. H is accepting the responsibility of what has happened and is still on the fence about whether he wants to be part of "us" or be alone. MOW, he claims, is not going to leave her H. So I guess I'm the third choice in the scenario....he'd be with MOW if he could....if not he'll be alone, or stay with me. Why I'm willing to accept being in this sitch I can't figure out...but for now, I'm standing firm for what I want. He still tells me he loves me everyday and kisses me goodbye, or good morning or good night....??? I guess I should be thankful for what I do have and not be worrying about what may come.

H is still talking about things in our future...like his upcoming grad ceremony in June....S21's graduation and family coming out in May.....looking for a new job and possibly moving...paying off debt and saving more for our future...??? I honestly think he really doesn't have a clue of what he really wants. He did say again, that he knows he can't make anyone else happy until he's happy with himself....so that is what I'm praying for most right now....that he finds happiness, wherever that is for him.

Looking from the outside in, I realize that we have had many baby steps in the past 3 weeks....it's just hard to see them when you're in the middle of it.

I will be spending time reviewing all of your threads.. You have all been in my thoughts and prayers...I've missed chatting with you all!

Hugs!

BA