Worried I found DB too late #2

[cw68]

I have come a long way. While I'm not exactly at peace with the situation, I have accepted it and am glad that I found DR and this site. Seriously, all of you here have helped me tremendously. Without coming here and reading Michelle's books, I would not be where I am at right now.

Where am I at? I'm as comfortable as I can get given my sitch. I still cry everyday, but only let it take a hold of me for a minute or two and then I think STOP SIGN! I am sad, it's OK to be sad but I cannot let my sadness rule me. I am worthy, I am working towards something worthy and I know that in my heart of hearts we have what it takes to be good together. That's different than knowing we are going to be good together and I know that.

The other day I came to the realization that I was hanging out waiting for my H to verbalize that he was willing to, and in a perfect world wanted to, make us work. H couldn't/can't say that but his actions are just that.

There's still a long road ahead and I still think it's an uphill path, but I have to try. i get more confident everyday.

Regarding my H's email, I responded: "I’m good with flux. Definitely don’t want what we used to have, what we used to be! Thank you specifically, btw, for opening up our finances to me. This was an area in which I used to feel quite uncomfortable approaching you about and I don’t feel that way any longer. This has really contributed towards me feeling more like an equal partner to you as where before I didn’t." I wanted to give him kudos for something he's made big strides in and it also explains part of the reason I was so critical and controlling before. I realize that I didn't feel equal so I tried to grab my portion and that's not right.

Lastly, he responded: "On the finance thing, that’s great, I’m glad we have both made strides! By the way, I just invested 10K in InsWeb. Just joking, april fizzole. Gotta run, trying (failing at the moment) to focus in on a white paper... "

As sad as I am that my husband doesn't want to live with me and that I wake up every morning alone, it could be worse. He||, it might be worse, I need to shore myself up regardless.