I'm inspired

[Tired of This]

I've been lurking here for awhile, but have never posted.
Alimad's posts have inspired me.

I'm in my early 30's, my H is in his late 30's. We've been married for about 5 years - we have never had sex.

We are both born again christians and I had sex with another man prior to being married. On our first date, my H asked me if I had ever had sex with anyone. Taken aback by his question, I lied and said no. I thought he wouldn't want me if I was "tainted". I had many opportunities between dating and the acutal wedding day to 'fess up, but I never did. Instead I just let him believe that I was a virgin - and then the wedding night came.

My H says that he never had sex prior to being married and I believe him. Our wedding night was a major disappointment as was our honeymoon. We barely touched and I recall crying for most of it. I didn't think it was possible to cry so much. Half way through the honeymoon, out of desperation and an attempt to express my extreme dissastisfaction for how the honeymoon was going, I told him that I wasn't a virgin afterall. And in that instant our marriage fell apart before it even began.

We never did get to the sex part in our M, but we used to at least have a physical relationship. We've done basically everything but. However, my dissastisfaction in our sex life boiled over into dissasitsfaction in everything - our finances, where we lived, our church, my job, our family. I was miserable in my life, miserable in our marriage.

About two years into our M, my H had an affair with a coworker. He fell in love with her, he made love to her. His A lasted about 18 months. I discovered it. He continued it.

In all of our conversations, he has never cited sex (or our lack there of) as a reason for his A. He has cited my dissatisfaction in our m, in him, my impatience with him, my not accepting him as all reasons. He felt that I never truly accepted him or loved him or wanted him. And it wasn't him that I didn't want, it was me. I was miserable. I was miserable human being looking to others to fill me and make me happy.

His A caused me to take stock of who I am. I'm not proud for what I have done to my M - anymore than my H is proud of what he has done. In some regards I feel as though I got what I deserved. I guess that's why I've decided to stay and work on our M.

There was some relief after his A. I was happy he wasn't gay. For a long time I thought he was - not that there's anything wrong with being gay - except of course if your married to a member of the opposite sex. I was happy that he was able to experience sex - he waited a long time for that.

But mostly I'm heart broken. I feel left out of that part of his life - I feel handicapped in this m - my hands are tied - I can't physically express my feelings for him.

And my feelings are deep. He's a very loving man. For the most part he is genuine and honest. (minus the 18 months he escaped to the arms of another) and we are trying to make our M work. It's been about 2 years since he's touched me "in that way" and I doubt very much, right now, that he ever will again. We are flirty from time to time but mostly, just good pals.

Do you think there's any hope?

[DanceQueen]

You need marriage and individual counseling....LOTS of it! But yes, I think there is hope. You can't do it alone though, you need outside help.

As this website will warn you, there are some good counselors and there are some who will actually harm your marriage. I suggest you start by calling one of the coaches here on this site.

I feel sad for your situation! Its hard to believe you've never had sex with your own husband...but I think if you seek the right type of help you two can recover.

DanceQueen

[Tired of This]

Hi DanceQueen - thanks.
I have been in counseling for over a year. I have a pretty good therapist. I was going weekly for awhile, but now just go about once a month. My H will not go, however. He is under the impression that this will work out on its own. And I will have to say that he is more touchy-feely with me now than he has been in a long time. (I recently expressed to him how I unhappy I am with our current sitch) He did go to IC when I first discovered the A. He is opposed to going to MC - he really doesn't think it will help. My C has gotten to the point where she has said that she thinks because I'm not getting what I want in my M from my H, I should think about leaving.

Counseling has helped me tremendously and I am certainly not the person I was last year, let alone five years ago when H and I married. I have done a large amount of work on myself - from rebuilding my self-esteem to asserting myself in my M. All of that was damaged greatly. I am happy with who I am today and I am almost greatful for the events that have transpired to bring me to this point. Of course I would rather that I didn't have to go through all of that to get to this point, but it is what it is. And at this point, even without the sex, I'm a better person for it.

[girlfromipanema]

Your situation is just so incredibly difficult to fathom. Your H's stance that "this will work it out on its own" and "not believing MC" will help seem inconsistent. Perhaps Retroville could be of help. I don't know much about it, but have read several success stories directly tied to their experiences at Retroville. Others on this site may be able to give you advice on how to convince your H to agree to attend Retroville.

I wish you the best of luck with your very unique situation.

[sgctxok]

My C has gotten to the point where she has said that she thinks because I'm not getting what I want in my M from my H, I should think about leaving.


Dance Queen has given you wonderful advice. My concern is with your counselor. If she starts pushing you leaving, leave her.

I think you do have an unusual situation.

You do have some baby steps

And I will have to say that he is more touchy-feely with me now than he has been in a long time.

What did you do that precipitated this behavior from him?



Counseling has helped me tremendously and I am certainly not the person I was last year, let alone five years ago when H and I married. I have done a large amount of work on myself - from rebuilding my self-esteem to asserting myself in my M. All of that was damaged greatly. I am happy with who I am today and I am almost greatful for the events that have transpired to bring me to this point. Of course I would rather that I didn't have to go through all of that to get to this point, but it is what it is. And at this point, even without the sex, I'm a better person for it
This is pretty beautiful...but I believe you and your H have what it takes to work all of this out.


Dotty and JoAnn are the SSM 'experts'. I have seen a lot of Dotty's advice here and on Sexstarvedwife.com (you can also go there, but it is a 'new' site and not as active as this one...both are run by Michele)



The way you present your post and the words you have to say about your H give me GREAT hope. There is a LOT of love....and great human beings here. I believe you will work this through.


peace and all good,
sg

[Tired of This]

Hi Girl - yup, we did Retrouvaille after H's affair. (I've been reading here for almost 2 years and took what others have experienced to heart.) It helped to really get passed a lot of the bad feelings - which is why I think we can both say we are willing to work at our M. We both debated throwing in the towel and walking away, but that didn't seem like a solution to either of us - it felt like throwing in the towel. I really faced walking away from my M. It scared the hell out of me. But I looked at it, embraced it, and decided against it. I also always said that if we were to divorce we would not have any R at all. I really don't "believe" in divorce and remaining friends. That doesn't work for me. So I knew, and my H knew, that if this M were to end so would our R. I vowed to never see him again - what would be the point? I never inteded on being "just friends" with my H - that was never the basis of our R. So, Ding and then remaining friends just didn't work for me. It didn't make sense. (wow, I feel like I'm rambling) And H, originally felt that we would D and remain friends and everything would be ok. I would get remarried, he would marry OW and we'd be a happy foursome - but that was awhile ago. And no longer feels that way. And recently he said that if it weren't for the love we have for one another, as friends, we wouldn't be where we are today. We just wouldn't.

Sg - the babysteps I have acquired in this sitch have come from two distinct steps. Step 1 - tell H how I feel. Step 2 - don't bring it up again, don't pressure, have patience, work at his pace. It is the only thing that has seemed to help me make progress.

When we first M, H wanted to have sex. He wanted to have a physical R. He just couldn't ML. The trust that we had built our R on was wiped out - depleted - destroyed. He was so let down. So disappointed. He waited his whole life for his wedding night and sex never happened. We didn't even hook up. We were tired and our expectations of the night far outweighed reality. And then I freaked out - I panicked - I envisioned a life without sex - and I pulled out all the anti-Db tactics and H wanted to run for the hills. And as my H said just about 6 months ago, I feel like we've never recovered from our honeymoon. It was devastating and I shoulder most of the pain/responsiblity for that. H turned to another woman, I turned to my work.

I don't know what my next steps should be. Sg, I probably should find another counselor. I just can't imagine that there would be one out there that would look at us and say, Yup, this M can be saved.

[sgctxok]

Would you be willing to try to work with Dotty or Joann? You can see some of Dotty's work online here.

[Tired of This]

I don't know. I'm not unwilling to work with either of them, but I'm not gung-ho either. I'm scared. I guess. I'm scared that it's going to push him to the point where he feels it is just too difficult to fix this. And I know that just reinforces my need to further detach. But it's not like I'm scared, can't breath scared, it's more like I'm scared, we kinda have a good thing going right now and I'd be disappointed to lose that. I don't want to harp on it with him - I don't want him to feel as if I'm nagging him. I know DBing is anti all of that and I know that the coaching I'd get wouldn't be about that - I just don't want to upset the apple cart. I'm happy with where we are as a couple - minus the sex thing. And then of course there's the money involved. We're tight at the moment...and of course this post just sounds like one big excuse and no real valid reasons. sigh.

[sat567]

Tired of this:

Looks like the moderators and some board members are hitting you pretty hard with the "buy now" message. E.g.

I suggest you start by calling one of the coaches here on this site.

Dance Queen has given you wonderful advice. My concern is with your counselor. If she starts pushing you leaving, leave her.

Would you be willing to try to work with Dotty or Joann? You can see some of Dotty's work online here.

I'm sure the DB coaches are well-qualified and all that. But they don't give free advice. Of course, some free advice is worth what you pay for, and some can be pretty good. I know there are some great web-based communities that give some pretty good advice. I've heard some people talk favorably about marriagebuilders.com and I know that there are some great folks over on EDITED--ADVERTISING IS NOT ALLOWED
Hairdog

[saffie]

I just want to say that honeymoom nights can be very overrated.

After a busy day people have high expectations of what that night is going to be - especially if they haven't consummated the R already at that point. It's not uncommon to later in life come across people who,(by that time being at ease with one another), admit that they didn't consumate the M on the wedding night - or even days, weeks or months later - depending on the issues.