Help me act AS IF, Thread 4

[newnamenewlife]

I keep blowing it--my wounded ego gets in the way. I have been so hurt by H's refusal to touch me, so fixated on all the love letters he's written (and his IDLYA 180) and so horribly unable to let go. Last night I told him I didn't deserve such lousy treatment and he said "yes, you deserve someone who loves you." That of course made me feel worse than ever. I said: "you mean like the guy who wrote those love letters?" He said: "Yes."

Why can I not accept that he really doesn't love me? Why can I not reconcile what he's saying now with what he's been saying for 19 years?

All H wants is for me to be willing to work on plans for S--that's ALL. I did set up a session with our MC to discuss it next week--but of course she is not a mediator and that's what he really wants. The MC sessions we had were a joke!

We are in debt and simply can't afford two households, but when I said this last night his response was "Yes, it will be tight for a while but we'll manage." This is a guy who worries about money constantly, who until he decided he needed to get out, talked only about how critical it was for us to REDUCE our monthly expenses and now he wants to add to them.

But here again, even if we discuss S I am holding onto the hope that once the concrete realities come into play--ie him packing boxes of the stuff we've lived with together, dividing up photos, etc--he will change his mind.