On a more secular observation, I would say that the OW is threatened by you and the relationship you have with your children. She probably is very cognizant of the ties between you and your H and sees you as a threat to her R with your H. I can imagine that she sees the children as what binds the two of you (your H and you) together so by acting close to the children, she thinks she can become a second mom to them.
Before that causes the fire to boil inside of you, understand that she can never replace you as the childrens' mom and will only create anger from the children if she oversteps too far. Your H may be supporting her attempts to win the children over for different reasons. He is probably not trying to get her to be a replacement for you as the childrens mom but is trying to get the children to embrace her as a way to receive approval for his choice.
You see H wants to have a merry-happy-life and that includes his kids, because he loves them. And yes he wants ow to be part of the party. Yes I do find ow to be controlling of the situation by trying to wurm her way into the kid's life by being exceptionally sweet...something she did to get H too ! I hate that he does not see that. But I accept that he just can't.
Thanks so much for the quotes, you are my angel ! I love you lots and my prayers are with you and your family too !
I am looking for that ray of light....hoping it will shine just around the corner for me.
For now, yes, I will have minimun contact again. I want that now and I really can't bring myself to be friends under these circumstances. Time will have to pass some. I'm doing much better with little to no contact. I really love my life, it's just the little things that hurt you know.
This morning all the kids brought me breakfast and crawled into bed with me, as we lay there cuddling and munching away, my D7 said, "mommy, you have breasts, ow does too ! She is 25 and you are 35" I felt intruded once again, by my little angel who just didn't mean to say anything remotely hurtful. It is so sad, that these kids are taught by this society that life goes on, and marriages just don't last. That it's no problem when one parent goes off to be happy with someone else. It's so sad.
I plan on praying more, listening better and living to the fullest.
There are much worse things than this in life...
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Show them your determination to stay on a good path and also to continue to value and fight for your marriage. They will remember this.
Cinders, my kids are now seeing this and looking up to me for this. Other woman has intruded on their life with dad, but they can count on me and me alone being there for them. They feel safer and more at "home" with me. The newness of OW is wearing off really quick for my kids. Ex had built her up to be bigger than life and they are finding out that she (excuse my description) farts like the rest of us.
They are also seeing through her sweetness and seeing other motives involved, i.e. money, marriage, trips etc...
What goes around comes around it just takes time. I promise. Kids are very smart, even when they are as young as yours.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, thank you, I think it helps to think that maybe one day, the newness will wear off and that they will see her for what she is, of course right now, it's all so new and fun and great that it's hard to imagine it may one day be different !
Thanks so much for what you said....it really helps !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Hi Cinders, Just checking in on you. My sense is that your H is running away from himself, and has this need to show you how happy he is. I do think one day ( and it may be very far in the future, who knows), he will crash big time. Through it all, you continue to exude warmth and kindness. Hugs to you.
HE JUST CANT GET YOU TO BUY INTO LIFE AS HE SEES IT...KINDA FUNNY ..DRIVES HIM CRAZY
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I know that there is much talk around here about standing or not standing. I do not think that in the old days we did anything different, just didn't have names for it as much. We knew when we were done and we knew when we were still working on our M.
I do know that 7+ years later, the very most important thing to do is to take care of you. GAL is not just about having fun, but taking care of yourself so that the panic at being alone starts to subside.
The reality is that whether or not you choose to stand, in my opinion really only means you aren't getting into another relationship since the WAW (and the MLC'ers sure do their share of walking) are not really part of the standing. My point being that you can wait for your spouse to come back, but NEVER assume they will and still pretend they won't.
The DB principles used to state that showing strength and the ability to take care of oneself could be very attractive to the WAW.
With that said, my X is / was in MLC. He also is a WAW and I would never be able to tell if he looked back or not. My girls say that he has regrets, but they're guessing. He seems to be coming to his senses a little, but only with respect to the girls. And, even that is miniscule at best, since he has become a totally different person.
IMHO, there is also the factor of those that are just plain too stubborn to admit that they shouldn't have left.
All theories and the reality is that I'm on my own and very thankful that I'm not following his every move, nor worrying about any of his OW's and what they are doing.
I will state again that I was a very slow learner and I hope to pass on some of this, to keep people from going thru some of what I did... it's that old thing - what if I knew what I knew now? I do know that my X paid more attention to me when I wasn't paying attention to him....
Hi Frosty, thanks so much for caring enough to write and want to help !
My H just hit me with another one !
He told the kids he had a big surprised planned for tomorrow ! Well, guess what ....ow's sister had a baby today and they are all off to visit the baby in the hospital tomorrow ! ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY EVENT ! I can just PUKE !
I cannot believe how he has tossed me and my family aside, we stood by him for YEARS, and never wanted anything in return, I might add, just to share our love with him and his with us !
I cannot believe how some things change.
I cannot believe that he keeps hitting me with all these 'realities'
I will come to a point I think where I do not love, but just loathe this man.
I am so sorry God, I really am, but I cannot keep loving someone who does not care a thing about me anymore, or does not have any respect for my feelings.
Many of you have said that he will grow tired of ow, well to be honest he is going deeper and deeper, and I BET that soon, ow will be expecting his baby !
God please help us tonight.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Truthfully, emotions will go back and forth forever. I have come to the conclusion that I will always care about my X like no other and I'm okay with that. But, it's now unconditional since he really has no responsibility to me.
Middle D was married last year and it brought up all kinds of other feelings that I hadn't experienced. Yesterday, his mom died and I'm all emotional again. I feel such connection to his family, but yet, not... I still have days where I can't believe he did / does that!!! But, I know it's all about him and I try to focus on me and my kids.
The following was posted years ago and might still be out here, but something I read often. I was always thinking and analyzing and trying to "fix" things. All to no avail.... Please try to find some peace in your life without him.
Be still and know that I am God.... - (Psalms 46:10)
There is a time and place in our walk with God in which He sets us in a place of waiting. It is a place in which all past experiences are of no value. It is a time of such stillness that it can disturb the most faithful if we do not understand that He is the one who has brought us to this place for only a season. It is as if God has placed a wall around us. No new opportunities--simply inactivity. During these times, God is calling us aside to fashion something new in us. It is an isolation chamber designed to call us to deeper roots of prayer and faith. It is not a comfortable place, especially for a task-driven businessperson. Our nature cries out, "You must do something," while God is saying, "Be still and know that I am God." You know the signs that you have been brought into this chamber when He has removed many things from your life and you can't seem to change anything. Perhaps you are unemployed. Perhaps you are laid up with an illness. Most religious people live a very planned and orchestrated life where they know almost everything that will happen. But for people in whom God is performing a deeper work, He brings them into a time of quietness that seems almost eerie. They cannot say what God is doing. They just know that He is doing a work that cannot be explained to themselves or to others. Has God brought you to a place of being still? Be still and know that He really is God. When this happens, the chamber will open soon after.
and finally - that old Serenity prayer:
God, grant me Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.
and I'm sure H is not under the impression that I am doing that !