I posted our getting back together on "piecing" but I can identify with the images and emotions you have to deal with when he breaks it off with the OW and comes home. He has been home over a month now-we started therapy about a month before that. We had been separated 6 months and it was in our 2nd session that the affair came out. I was out of my mind with anger and hurt. He had said we would be faithful while we were separated. Then I had to hear it had been going on for 2 1/2 yrs!! We had grown so far apart and I had asked him a couple of times if he was having an affair-you know-the gut feeling you get. He denied it-said "when would I have the time or energy for an affair"? We had been married for almost 29 yrs-since I was 17 and he was 18. I could not and would not beleive he could be cheating so I chose to believe him. The distance grew and one night after a big fight he left. That was the beginning of the 6 month separation. Those of you who read my postings during that time know how desparate I was. Panic attacks-depression,I almost ended up in the stress center if not for trying to be strong for our son who was 15 at the time and staying with me. It was pure hell. We saw each other-we were even intimant on a regular basis.He really did not say I love you very much during the separation,but could not resist me physically-he never has been able to. He called me after we left the therapist's crying and telling me how sorry he was, aad I asked him how he lived with himself all this time. He said it had not been easy. He promised then and there to break it off with her and he has. He has promised to tell me of any contact-there have been 2 times-once she called him to see how he was doing-he told her ok and that they should not talk-then another time she called him to see what she should do with the electric saw he had left at her house. He went and got it-he said he was going to leave it there but that she may keep calling him about it.I have had to deal with the mental images-it's a tough thing to get past. I have just told myself that she is not worth the thoughts and that works for the most part. She is 5 yrs older than him-very plain looking and kind of dumpy. That helped because I knew he would always be more physically attracted to me. I am tall and have a great body (I've worked hard at it the last months so I don't feel bad about saying it.)Here's the thing though. Since he's been back we have had great sex almost every night, but he has gotten verbal during it-like telling me what he wants me to do and asks me what I want him to do and asks me if this or that feels good. I know he picked this up from her. He was never like that before. I'm thinking this is something he likes to do and the only thing that bothers me about it is I know its how he was with her. I like being verbal-I was just never brave enough before and now that he takes the initiative, it's nice. I've thought several times about what else she may have taught him but so far he has not done anything else except he likes some kind of light on or candles-He wants to be able to see me I guess. At first I wanted to know everything they had done sexually but he would not discuss it at home-he said he would answer any and all of my quesstions with the therapist so it would not get out of control-I never have asked for details. I figure why have even more vivid images? I know I am satisfying him and he has chosen me over her. HE told the therapist he knew he did not want to be with her on a permanant basis before I ever found out about them, but his fear of coming home was that It would go back to being the way it was before he left. No connection. Emotionally vacant. I was in depression most of the time. Ironically, I had made an appt. with a psychiatrist just before he left and since he has me on wellbutrin and another rather new antidepressant called Remeron that does not shut you down sexually like the others had. I had rejected him sexually for a long time and then when the walls went up between us emotionally he started talking to her about his problems and the rest as they say is history. I bleieve he was using her to get his needs met-that he never really loved her-he tells me he loved her as a friend-someone he could talk to about anything when he felt he could not talk to me at all. HE takes full responsibility and feels terrible about what he done and all the people he's hurt-mostly me. IT's been rough. Its not a piece of cake when they come home. I have alot of insecurities that I could use some help with from you that have been through this-how do you deal with the mistrust that creeps in and you wonder where he is -if he's with her, is he calling her and talking to her and lying to me saying he has had no ccontact since he went and got his saw. We made a pact in therapy that he would tell me if and when she contacts him. HE says he does not think she will-he made it clear it was over-still how do I know??? THis was a 2 1/2 yr affair although he was not with her that much-he was home every night-I don't know when they found the time to be together but they did-I think it was more talking on the phone until he moved out. Even then everytime I would stop by he would be at home and he spent alot of time with our kids on the weekends. ITs obvious she had to take what she could get. Another bad thing that came from this is we both started smoking about a couple months ago!! In our 40's and starting to smoke! How dumb is that?? I do it because I have so much anxiety. I think he does it because he has to live with the guilt and pain he has caused and it may be a way of punishing himself-who knows? I just know I hate it and I want us both to quit, but its hard for me to when he still does. We don't smoke in front of our friends or kids (except our daughter who knows). I don't want my son to think this is how you cope or have him start because he knows we do. That's just one issue. I go crazy at work sometimes imagining he is with her. He goes out of his way to call me and let me know where he is and when he'll be late. It just takes time I guess-In the meantime how do you stop from acting out what your feeling because it would just serve to push him away-I need help on this-it's still so new and raw. Infedelity really sucks and has got to be the most destructive thing a marriage can go through. Any thoughts on how to deal with the anxiety and fears I still face each day? Rachel M.
