Affair is over and WW is responding

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4U,

I too was counseled to keep my most positive statements "forward-looking." I was asking how do I show love, without being "needy/grabby," and more importantly, without CONDONING OR ENABLING the current behavior. I was told to say things like "I would love to have a future together where our kids and grandkids are . . . " etc.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Puppy, Exactly. Point out that I know we can have a future together where both of us are extremely happy in our marriage, etc, but state that while I would love for that to be the case, I can't continue as we are while she's involved with OM.

Kind of like setting loving boundaries.

I've never read your story. Did you have to go through a separation before reconciling?

Edited to add: I'd appreciate your comments on my letter when I post it either this afternoon or tomorrow morning.

[karen43]

I asked him what my chances were of recovering our marriage and he replied that would probably depend on how I handled myself through this separation. If I do it with love and kindness, when it falls apart with OM (and he guaranteed me it would) that if remembered how I handled the separation and offered her a path home that she would probably come.

So I guess I don't get to tell her what I think. I need to write this letter in a way that shows her I know we can be great in the future while at the same time letting her know that I respect her if she feels she needs to go. Man, that's going to be hard.

Sound like you have a good C to me!!! I like what he is saying. I read an article here on DB in the list of articles page (on the home page) where the husband is talking about how he basically was a friend to his wife during separation and eventually when the OM and WW broke up, they reconciled, and he says how he thinks being friends when separated is really important. I am trying to follow his advice!!!

My H tries to pick fights with me sometimes I think to help alleviate his guilt & help justify his affair, but I try to be as friendly as I can so it is like trying to pick a fight with a little puppy or something!!! And no matter what happens I think it is good to be friends since we have 2 kids together also. Plus, I just don't want to be the bitter and vindictive type (my friends tell me I am supposed to be) b/c I think that will hurt me and my kids the most! Karen

[Hope4us]

Thanks Karen. You probably won't like what my counselor's plan is then.

I'm going to be the most thoughtful, considerate person I can be during the beginning of the separation, but if she doesn't come around within the first month of the separation, I'm going to write her a letter telling her it pains me too much to continue seeing her and then cut off all contact. Nada, zip, zilch. Let her REALLY miss me.

That does two things. Removes me from the pain of seeing her and helps me get on with my life. Cause one of two things will happen. She'll wake up and come back or move on to the next OM when this one falls apart. And if I had to witness her moving on to another OM all the love I have left for her would go out the window, so if I'm not exposed to what she's doing I'll still have that love left for her if/when she wants to reconcile.

I know it's not the DB way (at least I don't think), but for my own sanity, that has to be the way it is (at least for me).

[Hope4us]

Comments Please. This is the letter I'm going to give WW.


WW, This is the hardest thing I’ve ever written.

I love you. I’ve always loved you. The day we were married was the happiest day of my life. You’ve given me two wonderful sons who are the joy of my life. That and being able to call you my wife.

I know if we put our minds to it we could have a future marriage where we are both extremely happy, both for ourselves and our kids, but I can’t do it alone. And I can’t continue to live the way we are.

I understand right now you don’t have feelings for me. I understand there are some things that bother you about me. But they are things that I know are fixable, if we would work on them. And I know if we would work together on those things, we could both be happy in the future.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you know I still believe we could have a wonderful marriage, but I can’t do it alone and if you’re not willing to try, we need to separate. You know what I would like to do, but I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do.

I apologize for any hurt I’ve caused you and if I’ve given you conflicting signals recently. The pain of knowing that you’re giving yourself to another person is hard for me to handle. I don’t want to lose the love I have for you. But if we continue to be together while you’re still involved with OM, I will.

I know I can’t make your decisions for you and you have to do what you feel is right, but I know I can’t continue to live with you while you’re not committed to working on our marriage and continue to see and communicate with OM.

I want to dance with the mother of our children at their weddings. Together I want to spoil our grandkids to death. I want to grow old with you. I want to have a wonderful, happy, fulfilling life with you until death do us part.

I love you,

Hope4Us


I'd appreciate it if anyone has any suggestions.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

HOPE,

WAY too needy/grabby and pursuing. I'm on the run at the moment, but I think you need something MUCH stronger, much more confident, much more boundary-setting, and 1/5th as long.

You're looking for 90% "man-o'-steel" and 10% "I still love you, and want to grow old with you," wrapped up in a "I won't wait forever."

Puppy

[karen43]

I agree with Puppy. I would def. shorten that. I think when our spouses are involved in affairs, they tend to be in a fog and not listen or care or whatever about R talk, so would take a lot of that out. Karen

[macflyer]

I agree way to mushy. State that you love her but it will not lost for ever in the present state.
And i would also include " all forms of communication with the OM".

mf

[Hope4us]

Thanks for the comments guys. I'm trying to weigh what my counselor said about putting some stuff in about our future, etc but not being to overboard.

Let me do up a revised version and see what you think.

[Hope4us]

Ok, How bout this?

WW,

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever written.

I love you. The day we were married was the happiest day of my life. You’ve given me two wonderful sons who are the joy of my life.

I know if we put our minds to it we could have a future marriage where we are both extremely happy, both for ourselves and our kids, but I can’t do it alone. And I can’t continue to live the way we are.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you know I still believe we could have a wonderful marriage, but I can’t do it alone and if you’re not willing to try, we need to separate. You know what I would like to do, but I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. We’re at a crossroads and I’m running out of energy fighting for our marriage.

I know I can't make the decision for you, but I know I can’t continue to live with you while you’re not committed to working on our marriage and continue to see and communicate with OM.

I want to dance with the mother of our children at their weddings. Together I want to spoil our grandkids to death. I want to grow old with you. I want to have a wonderful, happy, fulfilling life with you, but I can’t do it alone.

I love you,

Me

Still too mushy?