Well I will try this one more time. I was typing and then suddenly the window just closed.
I am doing well and actually feeling optimistic about my future and my life. I have been listening to Oprahs' new eart Webcast and it is really hitting home with me.
I see how it is going to help me oh so much.
To grow and move forward instead of staying here stuck in my self and stagnant within my own Life.
I also see how I have been afraid to feel the old and just push thru it and let ig go. I have the power within me and always have.
I have the power to love my H and to love myself more importantly, but ~I was in my own way. I have the power to feel the ugly feelings and then let them go and not hold them in me anymore. I alone have been sentencing myself to carry around this pain. I alone have the power to let it go and not hold onto it anymore. My H can ML to me and tell me he loves me til he is blue in the face and while I hold on tight to the past I will stay there.
I am sooooooooooooooo tired of living there and living in my old way and not living in the now and enjoying what I have here in front of me. My H is in front of me and I want to love him like he and I deserve and instead of Ml to him and feeling him...... really feeling him I am stuck, stuck in the past like I am in the mud literally and I cant ML to him when I am in my head thinking about all this other bullsh*t. So yes on paper this seems so simple but I for one know it is not.\It is extremely difficult. But I am at least aware now and I am going to work hard to be in the now. I am going to work hard to let him feel me, not my fear not my pain and not my insecurities. ML to those things instead of him.
I still struggle with this and hope to one day be able to say yes I ahve released my inner sexual being for good. I also see that I need to desire him not to just be in the mood . I need to want him , he has to feel my want and my need. I was comfortable in the fact " ~Well he knows I love him so EVERYTHING is ok and it should all flow"
Wrong and also I need to flirt with him more.... Maybe then he wil flirt more with me in the long run. I dunno why I have that part turned off in me.. that will be something to look for in me and ignite.
I have been trying to understand this and look at it upside down and sideways and bent over backwards and it didnt trun on any light for me and it had no action behind it. I need to shine within myself and feel who I am so I can let him see me and feel me once and for all.
It is so much easier for me to hide behind everything. I can hide behind all the pain you caused me cause you hurt me and I dont want to open myself up anymore and take the risk anymore. Why risk it when it can just be ok.
I see now that I am asking him to love someone who is not really me. He sees who I am underneath all the faking it. I am a beautiful Woman who is scared out of her mind to let go and turn myself over to you. If I let go instead of holding on so tightly.... ...... maybe you will really see who I am.
~...... fall in love with me even more and maybe I will be so Happy I cant contain it. That would be so foreign to me, I am used to the pain.
......used to you letting me down. And letting myself down too!
If I take this chance will I be able to shine when you fall down and arent there to pick me up. I want to learn to love myself enough for me to shine regardless of you. Your love isnt enough I need to love myself and know that I am IMPORTANT TOO!
I love you but you were not put here to hold me up when I am feeling weak all the time. I also was not put here to fix you.
I vow to stop carrying the past with me into the bedroom and into our life as much as I Humanly can to set my pain free and to really let you see me and get to know me the me who is here underneath all the fear and pain. It was easier to carry it around than to let it go and chance getting hurt even more.
I want to live now, live with you in our home and wherever we are make our love better and ML to you with my being, not my fear. ~Wow I bet it will feel so amazing. I cannot wait.
I am excited to live this "new" way and a little sacred too. A little scared that now that I am aware I will fall down more than triumph.
I am ready to take care of myself , love myself and love you too. To realize how beautiful I really am and to be free of the past and the way it holds me down..... I really think I am......
