Bring on the Rain

[SueS]

Hello Everyone-

I've been a little out of it the past few days! Yeah for me, I got Influenza B!! Yuck! I was hopped up on cough medicine with codene yesterday and slept the whole day! I am at work today, but just because the first of the month is so darn busy for me.

Let's see.........
I went to get checked out on Monday night because I couldn't stop coughing. I was sure I'd crack a rib. Yes, I had a fever & turns out I was officially sick. I hate calling off work unless I've been told "You're Sick".

H went to dinner with a friend on Monday night and got home around 11:00 pm. His selfish side showed up AGAIN. He came into the bedroom & I told him not to sleep in bed with me and told him what the doctor had diagnosed. Yes, he'd been drinking. When he went ahead and laid down in bed, I knew what was up. Yes, even after telling him what I had and coughing like crazy, H still started to try to feel me up. Yes, you read that correctly! I got up and walked out. I knew H would pass out so I just fell asleep in the living room. You probably wonder why I didn't say anything. Well, because he'd been drinking, I didn't want to be subjected to the words I knew would come out if I outright rejected him. Regardless of how I was feeling, with him being drunk, he still would have said things.......heck, he knew I was sick & still tried to feel me up.

So, I stayed in bed all Tuesday. H got home and made dinner, which was nice. I asked him to please rub my back at some point because I was in such pain, but that didn't happen. He fell asleep on the couch. I ended up just crashing myself. I heard him come into the bedroom & get his pillow so he could sleep in the den. Guess, he didn't "need" anything from me last night.

Talked to D4 a lot since she left on Sunday. She's doing good. I was glad that she didn't have to be with me yesterday


LO- Thanks for stopping by! I hate to see so many others going through the same pain, but at the same time, it's comforting to see that others understand so well. I'd love to plan a time for that road trip!

Karen- Why isn't your H happy now that he's single? Maybe because he's seeing that it wasn't you & the kids that made him unhappy....it's not the OW & new relationship that makes him happy. He's seeing that HE has an issue. It's not others, it's himself.

I feel bad for the children involved in my sitch. OW has 4. I forsee my H trying to convince OW to leave the kids with their dad. I truly do. He tells OW that he KNOWS that with her come her kids. And as much as he might be able to see them as someone else's responsibility and not his......he'll still have them in his life. I DO NOT see this man as being able to just flip a switch the day they move in together and put aside his own needs for OW and her 4 kids. I'll have a heart attack if that actually happens. I can almost bet everything on the fact that it won't happen, he won't change.

Well, time to get back to work.

Thanks! Sues

[Yoyowife]

Sues,
So sorry to hear that you are sick. Please take care of yourself.

Hugs,
Yoyo

[karen43]

Karen- Why isn't your H happy now that he's single? Maybe because he's seeing that it wasn't you & the kids that made him unhappy....it's not the OW & new relationship that makes him happy. He's seeing that HE has an issue. It's not others, it's himself.

I feel bad for the children involved in my sitch. OW has 4. I forsee my H trying to convince OW to leave the kids with their dad. I truly do. He tells OW that he KNOWS that with her come her kids. And as much as he might be able to see them as someone else's responsibility and not his......he'll still have them in his life. I DO NOT see this man as being able to just flip a switch the day they move in together and put aside his own needs for OW and her 4 kids. I'll have a heart attack if that actually happens. I can almost bet everything on the fact that it won't happen, he won't change.

Sues

I'm also sorry to hear you are sick! Hope you feel better soon!!!

I do agree with what you are saying about my H. I have just realized recently that one of the things that I do wrong in my marriage was when we were having marriage problems last year, I knew my H was stressed out at work and prob. unhappy as he was working many hours, etc. and I would harass him about trying to get another job thinking that would fix all our problems. Instead I see now I should have focused on my own life and problems rather than his, and worked on my depression and that would have made him happier, maybe allowed him to see more that he was unhappy in his job, etc. Instead of trying to change him I should have just worked on changing myself! I don't think my H has learned that yet, still blames others for his problems. I hope maybe this separation will help him to grow and look at himself as well (as I am looking at myself).

I don't think your H will flip a switch and change, so I bet you his relationship with OW will be one of the shortest on record if your H tries to take on that responsibility. But I guess he won't realize that until he does it!!! Karen

[SueS]

Hey Yoyo- Thanks for the get well wishes! Got your email and I'll respond soon!

Karen- I seem to hear a little bit of blaming going on in your post above. You say.....if I'd done this or if I hadn't pushed him to do that.... Don't you dare blame yourself for this. I won't allow you to on my thread!! AGAIN, no matter how bad things are, he still had no right to start an A while still married to you. I did the same thing. From time to time my thoughts of what I could have done better/differently pop up. In my case, H wasn't happy about not getting a promotion with the company he's at. I helped him look for a new job, but the whole time said....honey, you've been with this company for a year & 1/2 now, it's a stable company, you're good at what you do, there will be many, many more opportunities with them. Guess what! He stayed and that's where OW works. At first I kicked myself for not pushing him to leave. After time I realized that the A would have continued not matter which way I'd gone. Although my H might not admit it, things WERE getting better with us. We spent more time together, we had more fun, our sex life was better....everything he wanted from me, he was getting and it was getting better. He STILL chose to have the A. I think that he actually saw things improving with us and put the brakes on his feelings for me because all along he planned for this to be his Exit Affair. I'm just saying that even if you would have done things differently, there's no telling what the outcome would have been. You're a good woman and you don't deserve this. Even he must see this if he's commenting on your changes!

SueS

[karen43]

Karen- I seem to hear a little bit of blaming going on in your post above. You say.....if I'd done this or if I hadn't pushed him to do that.... Don't you dare blame yourself for this. I won't allow you to on my thread!! AGAIN, no matter how bad things are, he still had no right to start an A while still married to you. I'm just saying that even if you would have done things differently, there's no telling what the outcome would have been.

SueS

Thanks, Sue! You are right of course! But I do think this whole sad experience has helped me to grow & been a good learning experience for me. I have learned about myself more & hopefully how to be a better person, more empathetic, less annoying hopefully. I do think it is good that I am becoming more independent, etc. I know that it's not good though to wallow in the blame or guilt, so am just trying to work on myself for today and the future and try not to blame myself so much (esp. on your thread!)!!! Karen

[Rob1231]

Sue,

You are right on the money! And it's so great to see that you have gone from needing to hear this, to "getting it", to being the one to say it to others. Good for you!

[JoieDeVivre]

Sue,
I'll shake my finger at Karen, too! Don't blame yourself -- you can't think about the "would of's", "could of's", "should of's", "what if's." That will just drive you nuts, and is fruitless because you really don't know what would have/could have/should have been!

FEEL BETTER SUE! Homemade chicken soup, my dear, it's better than "good for the soul" when you're this sick!

Joie

[SueS]

Karen- It's tough. As I said, it still pops into my mind, especially when my H says......I did this & I did that, you didn't do this & you didn't do that! Then I think about the things H did or didn't do. I remember going to the doctor a little over 2 years ago and talking to him. I said, I'm overweight, overworked, depressed, my boobs still leaked from nursing a year & 1/2 earlier, H & I had different schedules & I never got to see him.....etc. I told him I'm 38, but I feel like I'm 80. I told him that I didn't know how I'd make it through all those years to come. I told him that I have a small child and I love her and love spending time with her, but I just didn't have the engergy she needed me to have. I told him that my H was threatening to leave me because I wasn't giving him what he needed. My doctor said, Sue, do you see yourself with this man in 5 years? I told him that yes, I thought I did, but things had been tough and I was afraid he'd leave me. He said, Sue, I have NEVER heard of a husband that will leave his wife for the reasons you're telling me. I have NEVER heard of a husband that won't support his wife through what you're going through. I went home & told H about what the Dr. had recommended to me. H just said....you just need to workout more....you'll be fine. 1 year later, H threatened to leave me again because he wasn't getting what he needed. Here we are, just over 2 years later and my M is ending. Over all that time, H never asked me what was wrong. It always came down to him getting angry and threatening to leave. I always begged him not to, telling him that there was something wrong with me and it had nothing to do with the way I felt about him. It didn't matter.....it was about him. Yes, I could have done things differently, but he could have too.

Rob! Thanks so much for that post. I hurt from time to time, especially now when I don't feel well, but unknowingly, H gives me constant reminders of what I don't want to live with anymore.....his drinking, his selfish behavior....etc. I think you'll be proud of me on this too. I'm not usually the one to put myself out there, but I took it upon myself today to email all the ladies on my mom's side of the family to try to set up a weekend get together this summer or early fall. We always have so much fun together, but it's rare that it happens. Since my Grandma passed away 2 years ago, the times we see each other are even less. So, I'll do the leg work on this one! It will be well worth it and it will give me something to look forward to.

Joie- Thanks for stopping by. Are you good at making chicken soup? You know there are ways to overnight food! I hope you're doing well too!

SueS

[Rob1231]

I think you'll be proud of me on this too. I'm not usually the one to put myself out there, but I took it upon myself today to email all the ladies on my mom's side of the family to try to set up a weekend get together this summer or early fall. We always have so much fun together, but it's rare that it happens. Since my Grandma passed away 2 years ago, the times we see each other are even less. So, I'll do the leg work on this one! It will be well worth it and it will give me something to look forward to.

Absolutely, I am proud of you! More to the point, I can tell that you are proud of yourself! One lesson I have had to learn as W and I have tried to be more 'social' - it may not be 'fair' that one person always ends up doing the leg work to line up get-togethers, but often you just have to let that go and do it yourself anyways. It's worth it!

[Snow White]

I remember going to the doctor a little over 2 years ago and talking to him. I said, I'm overweight, overworked, depressed, my boobs still leaked from nursing a year & 1/2 earlier, H & I had different schedules & I never got to see him.....etc. I told him I'm 38, but I feel like I'm 80. I went home & told H about what the Dr. had recommended to me. H just said....you just need to workout more....you'll be fine.

Sue reading this teared me up. You know that none of these things matter. When I met H I was 118 pounds, when I married him 6 years later 132, Last May after being married for 6 years and having a child I was 176. I remember one night saying something to my H about it and how gross I thought I looked. he looked at me and said Neecy I love you and it doesn't matter to me if you were 300 pounds you gave me D4 and I will always love you. Was I thrilled(i would be now) no I was hurt, I remember telling a friend about it the next day saying that I wanted him to find me attractive and by saying that it was cutting that away, I didn't want him to love me because I gave him a daughter. I lost a lot of weight after that, when he had started the affair I was down to the size I was when we married, now I am down to the size I was when we started dating. OW is between 250 and 300. It just isn;t about these things.