[Gypsy]

Hey girl... !

You're making me grow. Part of me gets frustrated listening to you amplify him and minimize you. Then oopsie.. I've noticed that what upsets me about somebody else's situation is usually something I have to work on in my life.

Someone years ago told me..

Thoughts get you nowhere until you give them legs.

Since I was always a thinker, I was insulted.
Since I was always afraid, the 'legs'.. taking action, terrified me.

I've learned to bunnyhop hop hop.

You're the best, Ms imp. (I always sang the song wrong!)

*hugs*

[girlfromipanema]

Allowing myself to "feel" was a bit of a mistake (don't blame yourself, Gypsy). My feelings won't turn off and it's not easy to detach when these feelings of betrayal, hurt and anger persist. The way I feel today is I have no choice other than to seek a divorce... but I'm going to try to turn those feelings around and focus on the love H and I once shared and the intense connection we once had.

Today will be a good day. I insist.

[Gypsy]

Oh ms. imp..

We all feel like idiots, or at least I do.
I feel like a fool.
I feel like I squandered something precious.
I feel like a heel.
I feel bad, alone, abandoned, bewildered.
I feel like I was completely left out.

But guess what, sweet petite?

I'm the one doing all these negative emotions to myself. My feeling bad, guilty, bereft doesn't change what he's doing. He's not listening, it's not even being heard. He's on his own journey and all the self flagellation I do emotionally, all my brave suffering only hurts.... (waits for the answer).. nope nope.. try again.... ME!

I tell you. I work hard on being noble, aware, thoughtful. It's like standing on a rickety rowboat in the middle of a choppy lake. I work on balancing, sometimes maintaining it, sometimes capsizing and doing an awful lot of wobbling.

I am not perfect. He is not perfect. I have no control over his actions. I can only work on living my life, unearthing everything I've put aside in my effort to please the man I viewed as a demigod. Viewing him that way was a mistake, unless I made myself a demigoddess, which I didn't.

Oh, Lord..
help me rrrrrrrrrrrrrip open this naughahyde binding of subservience and self doubt to reveal the shining brilliance of my sparkling essence. Help me believe that what is within is true and wonderful, good and compassionate. Allow me to use the positive force within me for good. And every day let me give thanks for the joy life has to offer.

Ms. imp.. feeling is good, even if it makes you sad. Allow it, feel satisfaction in releasing it. Then get up and do. Wallowing in sorrow will eventually create a cesspool to tread in. Goodness knows, I spent enough time in that warm, murky, why-does-it-smell-so-bad place... and it stinks!

You have that great day.. you are incredible!

*hugs*

[girlfromipanema]

Gypsy, I think I'm in love with you. =)

[girlfromipanema]

Nonsensical Rambling:

Oh how I wish my ability to express myself was better. Just thinking... at what moment (split second?) does deep connected love and great friendship turn to marginal loss of the connection and lukewarm friendship turn to complete disconnection and no longer friends? How does this occur? At what point? Is it a fraction of a second? A mistake/assumption is made by either party that erodes and erodes until nothing is left? I can vividly recall so many happy, happy times with the man I married. Now I don't know what to say to him. If we were to go to dinner, what would I say? We are no longer friends.

Is it possible to be hypnotized to not feel anything for a particular person? Wouldn't that be a nice escape?

Lack of sleep. Affecting the mind. So tired.

*********

The long-term boyfriend of "friend" called me yesterday. He was just recently made aware of my feelings (she told him). They have been on the outs for years with constant threats of her leaving. She told him recently that it's over. Over, over. This time she means it. No chance. Pack your bags, pal. Anyway, apparently she's been extremely hateful to him the past few weeks. Some of the things she has said (according to him):

Don't look at me. I can't stand the sight of you.
You'll be dead in 10 years and I'll be alone. (26 year age difference.)
You need to put on some muscle. You're old and you disgust me.
Why didn't you buy me a Mercedes?
You stole my youth. I want a baby.
The insults and hate go on and on and on.
He had a heart attack about 6 years ago, and due to an interminable divorce (finalized only 3 years ago), he transferred the deed to the house to "friend's" name. He transferred the bank accounts to her name - everything. He said he wanted to protect her in case his first wife tried to go after more of his assets should he die. Now "friend" tells him she's keeping everything. She needs it for her daughter's (from her first marriage) education. The first husband has had no involvement in this daughter's life; while her long-term boyfriend has loved her like his own. He has given so much and she wants to take everything from him.
I don't understand how people can be so cruel. I don't understand how my (formerly) kind, wonderful H could want to be such great friends with someone so utterly heartless.

I let "friend's" long-term boyfriend borrow DR a few weeks ago. He said he read the first few paragraphs and laughed. I asked him what his response is when she spews her hate. "I just say, fine, leave." I asked him if he read the 180 part in the book. "Nah." I told him he should try giving it back to her. "That made it worse." OK, now why do you want to be with her again? Wake up, man. Helllloooooooooo. No one deserves to be treated like dirt. But he loves her. They've been together for almost 14 years. I've known them for 7 years and they've been the most painfully unbearable couple to watch. She's always so critical of him and verbally lashes out pretty much any chance she gets - it's embarrassing. She recently told me she wished he'd stand up for himself. Well, if you didn't berate him, he'd have no need to take a stand. Yet, more than anything, he wants to make it work. My heart goes out to him. He's in so much pain. I don't think he's up to starting all over again at his age.

As we were ending the conversation, he said he really didn't think anything was going on between "her" and my H - he thinks they're just really great friends. He said he can't imagine either one of them betraying either one of us like that. I told him it happens every day. "Not them. Not to us." His first marriage ended when his wife and best friend had an affair.

I used to believe the best of every one. Always giving the benefit of the doubt. Always trusting, trusting, trusting. People would tell me to wake up. Never say never. Get in tune with reality. I said I didn't want to be bitter or cynical - it wasn't in my nature. Seems things have changed.

I really don't think I'm wallowing today. Just thinking in silence and writing "out loud." I'm in relatively high spirits. No tears. Wearing a very cute dress and boots. Many compliments have been given. It's all good.

I don’t comment too much on other threads because I don't feel qualified to help. Or wise like so many of you. I don't want to be that girl running cross-country – "don't give up! You can save your marriage!" I want more substance... If I can give anything other than a chirpy cheerleader shout out, I will, but I don't know how often I can.

Thanks to so many of you who give me strength. It is much appreciated.

[BEAUTYandWAH]

Hi Girl!
Thank you for posting on my thread! I am glad you have one now. I have not read the whole thread yet but I am glad you found this site. It has been really helpful.. Thank you for reading my thread. I am still unstable when it comes to H. I still love him but am start seeing he will not become the guy I knew long time ago. He is a different person now..

I will come back soon to post more!
Beauty

[girlfromipanema]

I did something I regret. I returned a few items purchased at Banana Republic, but ended up buying a shirt for my H. It was on sale. I hung it in his closet, but didn't say anything to him. Maybe he'll think he bought it and forgot about it, but that's highly unlikely. I didn't have any motive with the purchase. It's just one of the things I usually do... so perhaps I'm acting "as if" (Okay, that's a stretch).

Last Monday night when H and I finally spoke to each other, he said he was a non-verbal communicator - both input and output. I'm not so good with on-the-fly comebacks, but last night I was thinking about what he said and I want to ask him, "What exactly were you trying to communicate to me when you were holding "her" hand?" But worded better. Ack. I'm so tired and my keybord is misbehaving. It dosn'twantto toypecoret.ly crap

[girlfromipanema]

I just caught a glimpse of H (we work for the same company). I think he's wearing the shirt I got him. Hmmmm. I won't read too much into it, BUT if he wanted to send me a negative message, I would think he would ask me to return it or at least not wear it. He had plenty of nice shirts ironed and ready to wear today. Maybe I feel a tiny spark of hope. Maybe. Maybe I read too much into things, but living with a non-verbal communicator will certainly have one second-guessing EVERYTHING.

Got my keyboard fixed, obviously!

[girlfromipanema]

On H's way home from work he called and asked if he could pick up movie up for me from Blockbuster. That was thoughtful and I was encouraged. (I really want to see, "Why Did I Get Married" but didn't want to tell him so I asked him to pick up "Super Bad".) However, when he arrived home, the distance was still very palpable. He thanked me for the shirt but remains distant and continues to sleep on the couch. He's one who never gets sick but has complained of dizzy spells the last two days. I had some severe dizzy spells several years ago and thought something was very wrong with me. Turns out it was stress. I think H is feeling extremely stressed about many things: our future, a huge project at work, our investments are really taking a hit...

[girlfromipanema]

I've been using my thread to journal more than anything else. I want to stay solution-based, but I loaned my book to a friend and need to get it back. I know the first step is to start with a beginner's mind, but I don't remember what that means exactly. I do feel like I'm out in limbo-land waiting for my H to decide what he wants to do about our marriage. The waiting is not easy; however, I feel somewhat patient because there are only two options and one of them holds absolutely zero appeal. Perhaps if I start making some goals, and start doing the steps as outlined in DR, I'll feel less anxious about being in limbo.

Also, the goal-setting aspect of DR seems odd to me. If I remember correctly, it's important to set goals such as "H and I will begin sleeping in the same bed" or "H and I will watch a movie together" - or maybe I'm way off base. If I am on the right track for goals, how does one work toward them? I must be dense, but it almost seems like hope-setting rather than setting attainable (through our own action and effort) goals.

How's this for a goal:
If my friend doesn't return my copy of DR by tomorrow night, I'll go buy a new copy. =)