I already posted to Kal about this, I think she's DB'ed her tail off and developed into this wonderful person that we post to and she's grown so much as a person that her H is running scared cos he don't know how to handle her now. Her really has NFC and he missed an opportunity to get close to her cos he literally too scared.
I fear Kal may move on cos when she needed support most he failed to step up to the plate, and if she became a WAW that would be something big to hold against him.
Originally Posted By: Lanzo in newcomers (04/03/08)
Steve,
I too used to obsess about OM but I've tried to let it lay now. The problem I have now is he does come to mind cos W and I have just got back to being intimate and she's different, she does things now that she could only have got from him. It does pee me off but theres nothing I can do about it now. I've just switched my mind to the positives and I'm making the most of our new relationship.
Originally Posted By: BritInOh
I went from being absorbed by the sitch to distancing myself from W, and now she won't leave me alone...
Yep I'm getting the same now, at the start of this year W wouldn't even let me touch her let alone share a bed. last night just before lights out W and I were chatting like we usually do, then she just cut across me mid sentence and said "I'm sorry Lan but you're gonna have to f*** me". Oh well a mans gotta do... This course language is by product of her A (not sure if I like it) but I have to add that we've have sex more times this week than in the last 3 years. So Steve things can change very quickly.
Do you think you will be able to get over it, live with it, or do you think you will at some point have to tell her that you really don't like it when she talks like that? Would it have turned you on if she had talked that way before the OM came into her life?
I've seen pictures on W cell phone, and I've read some emails and seen txt messages I know what the attraction was between W and OM so I really need to ask W any questions on that subject. I taken a lot of advice on this board to heart and never mentioned him. There are some thing that will need to discussed to truly reconcile us but that's for the future.
The way W is now sexually, I would have been totally made up if our own relationship had developed that way, even with the bad language, now I know how she gets turned on. It's tough to take that she learnt this from OM or OM has brought it to the surface but I'll have to deal with that. Maybe try to take it to a level where I feel I'm satisfying that desire within her but again we'll need to talk later and work out how I should pleasure her. I'm not gonna stop her now cos as I've mentioned before I have had more from her this week than the previous 3 years
Too be honest Sandi In all our time together W used to be very placid in bed, never really talked about it, and she led me to believe that she had no interest in sex. She always had the lights off, eyes close and was always urging me to hurry up and get it over with. Sometime last year I had words with W and I told her in the fifteen year we've been together I still didn't know how to really turn her on. All of a sudden, and I mean all of a sudden this week she just erupted on me sexually. Its scary and fascinating at the same time and I've told her I've got a lot of catching up to do with her, but there is this tinge of sadness in my mind that this pleasure I'm getting is fuelled by OM but again I have to overcome this.
12 months ago W took me to our favourite restaurant and gave me the famous ILYBNILWY speech, and added a few other horrible things to it. last night she was letting me know in very explicit term how much she liked me, was turned on by me and wanted me to be very forceful with her. So much has happen in 12 months and this last week has shocked me.
It was always there. Her cup was not full of fluff.
Just a few days ago you were telling me how worried you were that she would "find" the OM again.
Somehow you managed to use the tools someone gave you and start to think a little bit different. You were pumping fluff every where.
Maybe the OM brought it out but it seems to me you are reaping the benefit of it. She slept with someone else. So what. She is sleeping with you now. She is giving you what you were looking for. She is sending some fluff your way. Stop asking why. When you are both full of fluff you can talk about it. Don't look back. You will run into something.
I told you the roller coaster would bring you back to where you started. Don't get back on. Find a new one to ride.
Use your Advanced DAM tools. They seem to fit your hand well. If you put them down you will have to wrap your hands around something else. I got the feeling you don't want that.
Whats it all worth?
Do Work.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Lan, I suppose I should really think about what to say before I just start typing away, but that is how I talk verbally.....I just start without always thinking it through. I wised I knew how to wisely state this. I believe, but now sure, that I know what happened and can perhaps identify with your W. I realize that I am a lot older, but nevertheless, I think I can understand. The problem here is that I think a lot of you and don't want to say anything that would hurt your feelings, so what I am about to say is in general terms....not just you and your W alone....okay?
I will use myself for an example (and probably get blasted by somebody, but here goes). I'm sure I have stated this somewhere on the board and will be accused of repeating myself as I often do, but anyway, I think that some women just can never find themselves sexually until they reach their peek or prime or whatever it is called. And, I think perhaps it is often with someone other than their H. I say that b/c when women fall in love and get married, they want their H's to see them as anything but something that would resemble a errrr.....how shall I say this.....a wanton woman. How's that? Now, I realize that most couples sleep together before marriage these days, so I can't really identify with that, since I didn't. I was innoncent, naive, and ignorant about sexuality. I had no idea about certain sex acts and certainly had never heard about oral sex. I ran to the bathroom to vomit when my H informed me of that fact of life. I don't know why I tell all of this again except to give you a picture of me being almost like a child when I got married. I never could "get into it" like I knew my H wanted me to. I loved him, but just never could feel that "turned on" excitement about sex that I heard people talking about. I did not know what it was to have an orgasm or even get worked up with sexual excitement. So, I thought something was wrong with me. Lan, it took me going to the internet and having on-line sexual conduct with strangers to finally realize what people had been talking about. This embarrases me but I am trying to make sense of it all. The only thing that I can come up with is that I did not care what those men thought about me b/c they did not know me. Not the real me! I could pretend to be anyone I wanted to be. Or I could behave with the actions of anyone I wanted to. In doing so, I found my sexuality.....so to speak. I don't think that I could talk or act like that with my H b/c it matters to me what he thinks of me. And, I have always been "proper" and could not let loose. I'm afraid I am making a terrible mess of trying to explain this.
I could be as wrong as anyone possibly could, but I wonder if being with another man, you wife did not have any reservations when it came to sex. She was there for that purpose, to experience whatever she could get out of it. In doing so, she discovered that certain "naughty" words and behavior turned her on. It may have shocked her to discover this. Perhaps she has discovered she likes to have more passion in love making by a lot more .....errrr....how shall I say this.....like being ravished! Not raped.....and not necessarily treated rough, but completely ravished by her lover. To have him devour her leaving no place untouched. But not in a too gentle and light, and too soft movement, but more in a heated and uncontrolld act. Maybe that is what she learned she truly enjoyed and she wants that now....with you. She is hoping that you will join her in doing this with her.....if you are willing and if you like it as well. Maybe she was like me and it took a long time for her body to sort of "wake up" sexually. Maybe making soft, tender love is not what she wants at the moment. There certainly is a time for that soft and tender moments, but I hope you know what I'm trying to say. Basing on what she said to you that "You are just going to have to f---- me". If she wanted soft and tender love making, I don't think she would have used that term. She would have said, "Lan, I need you to hold me and love me" or something to that affect. There are times for the slow,soft, wet kisses, with the rose softly stoked down her body by her H. There are times she wants him to just tease her until she can't stand it any more and begs for more........but not every time.
I believe wives want their H's to use their imaginations and do things differently once in a while and not use the same technique or make it some "duty" to perform. But change it up...one time it is a fun and playful act of love making, then the next time it may be something you got an idea from a movie or book to try. Men really ought to read those romance novels to get ideas....lol. I'm not talking about "postitions", but just change the whole scene up. Do you know what I mean? Have something special in mind to surprise her. I think boredom is the worst thing that can happen in a M. Routine......it's awful. Women like for their H's to keep them guessing with what they may do next. Make it fun. Make it passionate and hot. Make it long, sweet, and tender. But don't make it the same every time.
I try to think how it must be for you and what must be going through your mind, etc. But if you can work with her on this to see if this is what has happened....that she has finally reached her sexual peak and she wants to make up for lost time. Don't you remember the first time you had sex? I bet you thought..."WOW! This is great!" Well, it doesn't always happen that way to every female. For some, maybe it does. But not all of them.
I am purely guessing at all of that based on my own feelings, and from what I have read other women who had A's say.
I have talked too long, Lan. Probably have not made a lick of sense. It's getting late and I need to be sleeping. So, good night and I hope you can try to enjoy this new side of your W's sexuality and who knows, it may open a new door that will make your M more exciting than it ever was before. So what if it took her finding herself with OM? You are reaping the benefits now......not him. (Easy for me to say...huh?)
Take care, sweetie.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I see what Sandi2 is saying. The simple point is that desire was always there. She did not just find it. She may have been scared of it, she may not have understood it, she may have suppressed it.
It was always there. She just as Lan is.. is learning about herself and who she really is. Who she wants to be. Sucks that she had to learn it this way. She likely won't be able to explain it. Or it won't make any sense.
The less time Lan spends trying to figure it out the better off he will be.
Kind of like I kept telling him. She will come to you. Look what she did. I am telling you now. This other stuff will come to you too. You just gotta ride it out. Keep showing her what she is liking. She will get to the point she will just want to tell you everything. By that point if you keep this up you won't really care why. Cause in the scheme of things it does not mean anything.
She cheated on you. Again, SO WHAT. You knowing why is not going to change the fact she did it. You can't change it, She can never take it back. Just like you can't take back all the stuff you did. Go ahead and tell me what she did was worse. You got hurt more. I dare ya.
Don't dwell in it. Just yet. Enjoy the ride. I am telling you again. The ride will bring you right back where it started from. Always does, Always will.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
, I rush here for details and you sent me back at Steve's...