I'm really annoyed it will take 14 days for Amazon to get book to me, hopefully that is just managing my expectations. I will no doubt read it in a couple of evenings highlighting bits and go back over it again.
Yes, I do still want to save this marriage. A lot of my friends find this odd due to the way my wife is and has been, but I know the other side of her they don't see.
Had a backwards step last night and a bit this morning, little heated discussion but I think that was her being awkward due to not sleeping. She is trying to rile me into arguments and i'm finding it a bit tough at the moment. also, seeing her laughing and joking with friends on the phone is tough as it's as if nothing is wrong. It's going to be a long road.
Any ideas how we can get our S to read chapter 1 or DR ? Has anyone sent to them from here on e-mail ? The reason I say that is that it is just so good and makes you want to try so it might have the same affect on my W.
I would not send it to my spouse or try to get them to read DR or DB. Those books are for you to work on you. You can't fix her you can only fix or change what you are doing. I would not point her to this site. She may take it as pressure and it may push her that much farther away. Just my opinion.
I'm not talking about the whole book, but the first chapter on here re why Divorce is never the answer unless there is abuse etc. I just feel she is speaking to the wrong people (friends) that don't really know me awat from her and therefore their opinions are based on helping her be happier now. Basically, that chapter 1 is the sitch I find myself in.
Ping - Just been through your post start to finish, sounds like your making progress. I love this place already, helping me so much in knowing what to do and I realise I reacted wrong to my wife winding me up last night.
Oh - I was going to pm someone yesterday, but don't seem to be able to...any ideas anyone ?
Sorry to see you here. Firstly time and patience will be your friends. I can relate to where you are right now , its nearly 18 months since W wanted me to leave . I did not go and now I live in my house with the two older boys and D12 , D has stay overs at her mums but her home is with me. But lets not get ahead of where you are at now.
Firstly believe it or not getting your W to read anything is likely to be counterproductive , so save the energy.
Do not share DR book with your W either. There is a pretty good chance she is involved with OM from what you have said. While that is going on you are in for quite a bit of rejection and will have stuff said to you by your W that will be plain cruel. She is likley also to dismiss any logical information as it will not fit with her current perception.
What is happening is she will be feeling guilt and will try and amplify any faults you have to try and justify what she is doing in her mind. So try to let stuff she says roll off , like water off a ducks back.
Until you get DR and have a good read your best action is to do nothing. She is not kicking you out so there is no hurry.
The next few points are very hard to do but if you can you will be ahead of the game.
1. Do not snoop. Yes I know its very hard but it will save you a lot of heart ache and worry.
2. Do not worry about trying to change your W right now.
3. Do not start any relationship talk at all.
4. Find stuff to do that you enjoy and do it , I know how hard this is when your world is falling apart but try.
5. Enjoy your Kids , give them your attention, time and love .
Thats all , then read DR very carefully when you get it. The 14 days wait is nothing to worry about.
If you follow the advice in the book I can almost guarantee that in 12 months time you will be a happier person. No one can guarantee what the outcome will be as far as your M goes but this process will ensure the best possible outcome.
She did go back with another man which kinda started this all rolling and the reason I started the conversation where we said we were over was as I found she still had his number on her phone. However, he is in a relationship and she swears they did not sleep together the night she went back and I believe her. Why ? Because I've asked so many times and she no longer has reason to lie, which I have told her. She also said they had a few texts soon after but nothing more recent and she hasn't had the opportunity to see him as she's not been out.
I'm trying hard with the snooping but it's difficult as I know she is telling people stuff and you just want to know. However, whenever I find anything, it's never any good for me I know and this should actually be relatively easy to sort.
We are supposed to be playing happy families for the kids while I'm still in the house and as we have some holidays already booked coming up, on which was strangely booked after her night with OM. However, W is beings super irritating whereby she will put me on a spot that I either bite and defecd myself or look weak to my kids. That is tough, but i'm working hard on it.
Here are two phrases (probably more) that help me.
"What other people say is none of my business."
You can't control what people say. We all know how juicy a tidbit of gossip is, as much as we resist it. Next week it will be something else. Live your life proud with love in your heart.
"When faced with gossip, tell the truth."
The surest way to kill a good story is to tell the simple truth. Just recently I was told some lurid details someone heard from someone who heard it from someone. The story contained my husband's name, his exact amount of weight loss and then the juicy details. I reacted. Oops. Now I'm just going to say "Thanks but no thanks. He is on his own journey."
"Where we were in our marriage, brought us to where we are now."
As easy as it is to blame your spouse, yourself, a paramour, a career.. etc etc. it's never just ONE thing that brings the marriage to where you are.
In some ways the one who drops the bomb is the one who got to the end of their rope, who finally shook things up to where you have to pay attention. Sometimes I think of all the energy that takes and look in awe.
Letting something precious erode takes no effort. Rebuidling does.
Just thinking about it, I think I may have actually dropped the bomb myself !!! LOL
What I mean is, we were supposed to be making a go of things (though I don't really think my wife was, but was agreeing through the guilt of her night out episode), but my paranoia and snooping got the better of me, hence I started the conversation whereby we said we were no more. Strangely, I actually feel better now than I did the few weeks before as I got to the bottom of some stuff and at least I know where I stand now. Before it was just to confusing as W was saying one thing, then acting in a totally different way.
Just read Mr Mom success story. Superb post, will make sure I read some more of them.
I'm by nature quite a positive person and am the type of bloke that is everyones friend and no one has a bad word to say about me. Well, certainly I was til the kids came along and then I lost some of me. We had little family support for time for us which hasn't helped (and W even agrees with this), but I'm totally working on getting back the pre kids me without taking away the being the best dad in the world I can be !!!
I'm going to try and do regular updates on this thread, so when any situations arise, I can get some advice soon after the event.
Oh, I've already stopped the checking in lunchtime phone calls !!
Got home from work yesterday and the yellow pages (UK business phone book) was open on Family lawyers but wife out. When she came home and oldest not there I asked about it (wrong ? right ?) as I didn't think it had got that far yet and if she is doing that I need toplan a bit too to look after myself.She said she didn't get time to ring and we had a little chat which turned in her telling me, she gets house, I have to move out etc etc and I was just saying that she wouldn't, we would have to sell, they downsize and I get myself somewhere to rent as she couldn't afford the house without me. I don't understand where I stand if we were to D so any advice or recommeneded reading would be good. Anyways, I found myself riling so went to a mates house with littleun to get off my chest and then went home and did kids bedtime. I could tell W was looking for an argument so decided to go out and went to Casino to play poker which is my de stresser. Got home at 4am (driving) as won, but was nice just to get out the house. Very tired now and not sure what me going out will do, but will see tonight. Wife just seems to want to hurt me at the moment which I don't get. Is this a normal thing ? Is this that although W says they don't love you anymore, they do (even if 0.000001%) and are fighting themselves a bit to avoid getting sucked back in for fear of it returning to how it was ?
Will try and read others and post back today, but real busy at work. GL to all on here !!!!
Once my husband dropped the bomb. friend who is an excellent lawyer, told me I should know my legal rights and gave me names of lawyers he highly regarded. In the U.S., most initial consultations are free. I talked to three lawyers (two who my friend recommended, another someone else had) and discovered several things.
All the lawyers know each other. They have to work with, against and every which way with one another.
Most lawyers don't want to go to trial, so they work on a collaborative divorce, where they negotiate rather than ring up big bucks going to court.
Divorce in the legal system is a financial transaction. It's all business.
It helped to know what I could expect. Like any job that's done well, a professional, in this case the lawyer, can hear the basic facts and predict on a ballpark basis what the most likely outcome is if the couple doesn't go screwy. You will get your best and worst case scenarios.
When I went to see a lawyer, I felt so downtrodden. I didn't want the divorce, I didn't want to be there, I didn't expect any of this to happen in my life. When I left, I had a clue which went a long way. Education and awareness helps immensely, whether it's here, finding support of others, in a legal consultation, knowing what to expect.. etc.
It's not bad to educate yourself on something you never imagined.
Wife just seems to want to hurt me at the moment which I don't get. Is this a normal thing ? Is this that although W says they don't love you anymore, they do (even if 0.000001%) and are fighting themselves a bit to avoid getting sucked back in for fear of it returning to how it was ?
There may be cases where the spouse is on the fence about divorcing, but by the time they have actually brought up the subject or retained a lawyer, they aren't fighting down feelings of love...I suspect there aren't any...and getting the ball rolling on the divorce process probably is almost a relief...like "yeah, I'm finally getting freedom from this." I think this board tries too hard to get into the head of the WAS, and usually puts the most positive spin on it. If you could clearly see into your wife's head and knew everything she was thinking...would it help you any? You can't control any of that...only what you do and how you act/react.
I think you should get a lawyer. Figure out your rights. It doesn't kill your chances to be proactive. It doesn't kill your chances to not be a pushover. Make sure you look out for yourself and your children. If you're able to talk reasonably with your wife, without raised voices, anger, threats, or crying, then offer to sit down and discuss this stuff as responsible adults. Be strong.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
