Confused as Ever

[GoingForward]

I know my husband is doing this, avoiding family.

I believe it's always the toughest to face the ones you love the most. The painful shame of disappointment is often too unbearable for the WAS, and they will often make up excuses to get out of such possible awkward situations. I am certain that this is how my H felt and continues to feel.

PS: For me, it didn't matter at first that they didn't know,...

Same here. I said nothing to anyone about what happened (H's A) and actually never really wanted to. I had hoped that we could get through it on our own, but the truth was....I needed the emotional support from family. Keeping it all inside, trying to hold it all together on my own....Not good. I was suffocating myself.

So about a month after the bomb, I told everyone who mattered most. My parents, MIL, SIL, my sisters. It was such a HUGE relief, and it was the best decision I made up to that point because it was what I needed.

[Snow White]

Neecy, what does the one thing have to do with the other? Just because he is likely to have to go LIVE there, HE gets to be the one to tell them?

My response about him living there is that is why it matters to me that they know the truth, not that is why he needs to be the one to tell him. As far as him being the one to tell them, that is what I told him I would do. I will give him a chance - a brief one.

Next time he is home (or even if he's not), tell him YOU are going over there, to tell them the TRUTH that HE should have told his own parents, and that he's welcome to come with you if he'd like.

Then do it.

This is the plan for tonight, but I will ask him to go first, then the above.

[Snow White]

I know my husband is doing this, avoiding family

I believe it's always the toughest to face the ones you love the most. .

I believe this but I also believe it has to do with what telling them represents, it is coupled with the next step of the breakdown of this marriage. I think he thinks it can go on like this forever, it has so far. By avoiding talking to them he is also avoiding everything else.

[GoingForward]

Neecy,

It is certainly YOUR decision on how to handle this, but IMHO, I wouldn't count on H telling his parents the entire truth. He will only tell them what HE wants them to know, and he is more likely to do this with you not being there to see it through.

I would ask him what time he plans to be at his parents' house, then say, "Good, I'll see you there." Then BE THERE. If he chickens out, then proceed to tell them yourself.

Get it out in the open and over with. No more excuses on both sides.

(((((((You can do this.)))))))

[Snow White]

I know he wouldn't tell them the entire truth. And I can only tell my peiced together version of the truth because I am sure i have never rec'd the entire truth either. I am certain his version would be friend at work, had problems, talked on the phone, Denise thought we were having an affair, now she is demanding on I can't talk to her and I said I still will. Sonething along those lines.

I feel sick. It is very hard knowing I am going to take what has been a happy decent relationship even since the bomb,at least on the surface, and blow it up hoping that somehow it will bring it back together.

[GoingForward]

I feel sick. It is very hard knowing I am going to take what has been a happy decent relationship even since the bomb,at least on the surface, and blow it up hoping that somehow it will bring it back together.

((((Neecy,))))

Speaking for myself, I am very confused now, too......This whole time, from everything you've posted thus far, I've been under the impression that this R HAS NOT been happy and decent for you....yes, even since the bomb.

??? What is missing here?

[Snow White]

I guess I am confusing, I will try to explain. When H is here we get along unless I bring up R talk. We play games on the computer against each other, hang out and watch tv, wrestle ect. and I really believe that for the most part even thought in poor taste H's antognizing is about joking to him. If I act "as if" we have a good night - and D has a dad at home loving her. I look at some ohter sitches, he is not mean to me, he is here for the most part unless he is going out with a friend for his newly found social life.

BUT - and this is a big but, I always am thinking about it, and my problem at this point is H's direct statment not to even try, it can't go on like this because I cannot consistently act as if, as you can see in a post above I blow up once a month, nor can I maintain proper boundaries while H is here, I would be and have been a doormat and I would and have continued to let him cake eat.

[GoingForward]

BUT - and this is a big but, I always am thinking about it,

What exactly are you always thinking about?

The following? ...

and my problem at this point is H's direct statment not to even try

???

What would you need to see from H in order to know and/or feel that he IS trying?

[Snow White]

I am always thinking about whether or not he wants to be here, and whether or not if he goes out for a beer he is calling her. It is my inner demons but it is coupled with his refusal to be reassuring.

GF remember I told you ever since I had the convo with him and he said he wouldn't stop calling her. I got the phone bill today there has not been a single call to her cell phone since that week when I went to see her. He is complaining now about who I am talking to so I am getting off.

[Snow White]

I didn't do it last night. I didn't chicken out it was a conscious decision.

I came home from work to D4 showing me the birthday card she made for daddy, his birthday is on Saturday.

H came home and I gave him the Telus bill open. I expected 2 things.
1. to see a ton of calls to OW,
2. to have it be significantly larger than my bill because I assumed that the reason H was texting me so much was so I couldn't tell when he was texting ow (previously when I didn't text I could see oh there were 50 text messages this month(now I also realize this is a small number).

What did happen was the bill showed some calls to OW's cell prior to our last months discussion where I called the lawyer because he said he would not stop calling her. The last call to her cell was on the day that I went to her store last month immediately following me leaving her store. There are some calls during work hours to the store she works at they are all very brief.

He had less than 100 more texts than me, mine were in the 600's (all responses to him) his were in the 700's. Keeping in mind I did not respond everytime he texted me and his best friend bob got a phone with a keyboard and they had texted back and forth.

I told him last night you confuse me, why would you take this stand about calling her and there is not a single call to her cell phone, his response - why would there be?


So, I had to think what my motivation for telling his parents was. I know why people who have decided on exposure decided on it. I am not sure my reasons are/would be the same. Would I be exposing to stop the affair? this would have made sense in early January. Really I am not sure there is one anymore, not just based on the bill but the bill confirms what I have been feeling for weeks(what I was afraid to feel because I thought I would see the bill and be proven wrong) that things have started to change. You can see it in my posts following the weekend my H met me for drinks.

My reason for telling his parents was to try to force his hand, to make him say that I am important, more important than calling this person. When he wouldn't commit to that then I started to feel like he must be in love with this person if he can let us separate over this one point. But really I am beginning to think this is more a battle for control, H does not want me telling him what to do.(who does?)

I am not saying this is a dead issue, but time is on my side. I will drop it and explain why. and we will see where the next few weeks take us.