I can't believe how fast we locked that last thread!!! I responded to all your posts at the end of it.
I hope you are having beautiful spring days. I slept like a log last night, perhaps for the first time since October. I think this was b/c of a combination of sleep deprivation from the night before and cardio workout from yesterday!! Time to get ready for meeting with a new tutoring student...
I wanted to post on your last thread about the interval before contacting B but it locked!
I think it's a really tricky question to answer, but I think a week and then calling to ask for details of his viola-ist (what's the name for viola players?) friends sounds like a great option. It gives B enough time to think about you and how great you are, but also allows you to retain some momentum now that you guys are back in contact.
You also mentioned being annoyed with B's behaviour at the time of the bomb and whether it's normal to feel like that.....I can't say whether it's normal, but feel really mad about my H's behaviour at the bomb (and leading up to it, and afterwards to be honest!). I think it must be normal to feel like that, and I think a lot of people on the bords definitely do..... what you said about focussing on the lovely person you know is in there seems to me the right way to go though!
Have a great day today!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I concur..dont leave it a couple of weeks (too long, the trail will go cold!) but dont phone within a few days, too keen. So about a week. I cant really add anything astrologically yet, but I dont think you can "do" anymore..you're already in it trying to win it, so dont worry! He has to be too though dont forget, and looks like he just bought some chips and rejoined the table!
Also..yes, I was angry at how my BF handled things pre-bomb and he said some terrible things at the bomb (IDLYA being the most stand out one for me I guess!). I'm also very mad that he ended it a week after we buried our cat, after how ill he'd been for months and all the trips up and down the motorway with him to Bristol and all the treatment and he was fine and it was so crushing that he then died and I didnt have time to grieve for him (I know hes only a cat but I used to joke to my BF that I loved him more than I loved my BF..which in hindsight was possibly not the best thing I couldve said!) Anyway, I'm not even sure you need an "excuse" to ring him, becuase didnt he want to keep in touch and know how you were, or did I get that wrong? Remind me what the last conversation ended like ??
This has been such an exciting week! You, Essie, Me, Kalni, W2G, Jeff, Michelle, Lisa... progress and things shifting all over!
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think it's a common thread for most of LBS.. the anger part. I was VERY angry at my H and his lack of attention.. devoting all of his time to his friends and ignoring D2 and I prior to the bomb.. then the bomb happened and he got worse afterward.. so I went from Angry to FUMING.. I packed up all of his stuff and had it waiting for him when he returned from his trip to Vegas (where he didn't provide any contact information or flight information.. and didn't call for 2 or 3 days - can't remember exactly - even though D2 was pretty sick prior to his departure).. I would think that I was actually angry all of January.. but it was simmering under my tears and pain most of the time.
So, what are you up to this weekend.. and what are your instincts telling you about how to proceed in your next contact with your BF?
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I am sorry to hear about the nasty things that happened to each of you at bomb time. You are all such strong survivors!!
I think I should clarify. Around bomb time, I felt NO anger towards him. I felt numb and insanely anxious, and my entire focus was on, how did I contribute to this situation? AND, what can I do to turn this situation around? A lot of people who loved me were angry, but I was only angry at myself.
So it is really weird, now, to start having thoughts about how he handled it like, "Man, what a JERK," or, "What a total clueless loser". "who is this a$$#($* who has NFC?" It's like the thoughts are 5-6 months late or something. Before my thoughts were, "I can totally understand why he is doing this, he is confused and hurting and I really f'ed this one up big time". But I don't want those thoughts (that he is a azz&^& with NFC) to take over!
Also, this is just as weird, I am really MISSING him, in a way that I don't think I've let myself, since the bombs dropped. Before it was just... pain. Not like, "I wish he was here, so we could [fill in the blank]".
to answer your questions....
Ali, it ended with the thing like: T: well, I should get going B: well, let's talk again soon! I can call you, or you can call me, or dljsfkj T: what was that? B: I don't know what I'm saying. (laughter)
and then shortly after that we got off the phone... so we left it open.
One Day, I like the "viola player advice" phone call idea too. It seems very "valid", like it is an actual reason.
Where, my feeling is that I should wait some period of time and then call, prob for the "viola player advice" reason. The only question is how long to wait. There seem to be two camps... call in about a week so you don't lose momentum, vs. wait 2-3 weeks to give him a chance to contact me first. I will listen for the Voice. And I am ALSO listening to you guys, with OPEN EARS.
I am frustrated about all the crap I have to do this weekend.... it is like the only time I have to take care of my 'real life' (laundry, making food, grocery store) and do homework and right now I have NO motivation to do any of it... I kind of just want to curl up in a hole with my sad thoughts. I am kind of wondering if *I* am depressed, or just tired from being in grad school and sick all the time and never getting all my work done and also never having time to *play*.
*BUT*, the meeting with my new tutoring student went really well. His dad asked us to go for 2 hours instead of 1 and then made another appointment for monday so I will make 3x as much money from this client as I thought I would this week. Yay!
I am so glad you are finally "opening up"... At least that's the way I see it.
In a week. You've done your share of DARK already... In your sitch T ,I am FOR doing things and I am not usually like that. I can't explain it. Follow the voice...
If you think you might be depressed maybe try the St. John's Wort. That's what was suggested to me (although I don't do a very good job of taking it.. ).
I don't think I'd let it go any longer than 2 weeks in contacting your B. If you don't want to after the first week in hopes of him contacting you first then please don't wait any longer than 2 weeks... 3 weeks may not seem very long but it's nearly a month.. and I worry that before you know it another 5 months will have gone by.
I had a really good session with my counselor yesterday morning. We debriefed on the whole package and phone conversation with B thing. Basically he told me I need to trust myself and be more in the moment. and that I don't need to involve as many people in my decision making process. Don't worry, he is PRO the DB support group. He just said I am taking too many opinions into account (like people in my real life who have NFC what DB'ing is or why I want to do it) and this is making things too complicated for myself. He said I've done so much work on myself that I just need to put into practice what I already know. At the end when I tried to wrap up what we had said and summarize with "bullet points" he actually smiled and covered his ears and said "NO LISTS. THERE IS NO LIST."
We talked about the pros and cons of various ways to make contact. I told him about the "phone call with viola excuse" vs "phone call just to see how he's doing." "Phone call just to see how he's doing" sends a clearer message that I genuinely care about him, not that I'm just using him for musician networking. "Viola excuse" kind of uses up one of my only excuses to contact him.
As a CASE IN POINT, late last night I had a heart to heart with a friend who just WA'd from an amazing man and had a really fling with a "hot man" who turned out to be a total immature pukeface. Now she has broken up with "pukeface hot man" and is officially completly single. We talked about her whole sitch first (SIGN OF PROGRESS for me, normally I would need to 'debrief' my whole long story before being able to help someone else, considering what a 'big deal' it was for me to talk to B). Then when I told her about the phonecall she told me to wait for a MONTH so he could call me first. And I thought, dammit! Yet another opinion I now have to consider! This is exactly what my counselor was warning me against!!
Other than that... I am feeling a better. I spent a couple nights sleepless and crying my eyes out until 4 in the morning.... but I think there is just a lot of sadness inside that I haven't let out yet, that I need to embrace and take care of. Sometimes I am really upset about all that I gave up to come to Atlanta to go to grad school, and my heart yearns not only for my B, but for everything else I left behind. I yearn so much to have one place in the world where I have everything I need-- a happy place to live, the man I love, growing artistically, making money and supporting myself, good friends-- not just bits and pieces. I think I went through this exact same thing last March/april also.
I had a bad rehearsal this morning (I felt like crap b/c I wasn't prepared) and then an AMAZING rehearsal this afternoon.
I think this weekend may have just been PMS, but I am still planning to get my hormones checked, b/c I think something might be "out of balance". I still could go in for some SERIOUS healing. Acupuncture, massage, energy healing, nutritional analysis, BRING IT ON!!!
So, who knows, thursday, this weekend, 2 weeks, but at this point, we know I am going to call him, if he doesn't call me first.
One last thing. I laid awake in bed last night trying to figure something out. Why did he call me back right away? Why did he sound so happy and excited to talk to me? Why did he suggest we talk again soon? Why did he tell me it was good to hear my voice? I could only really come up with one explanation (and TRUST ME, I tried to come up with multiple explanations). He must have *actually wanted* to talk to me. Otherwise he just would have delayed, not called at all, or called with a "guilty" tone or "obligated" tone, not happy-friendly-excited-laughing-nervous tone. Wow. He wants to talk to me? How did we get here????
(((((HUGS)))))) ((((LOVING BEAMS THROUGH COMPUTER MONITOR))))))
W, I am so glad you had a muffin I made two batches for a friend's birthday incl. a new "dill ricotta with chive" recipe. Do not worry there is NO WAY I will let 5 months of NC go by again. Esp because hopefully we can build up to a meeting in person sometime in June. Thank you for pushing me... I need that.
You are all such strong survivors!!
He just said I am taking too many opinions into account (like people in my real life who have NFC what DB'ing is or why I want to do it) and this is making things too complicated for myself. He said I've done so much work on myself that I just need to put into practice what I already know. At the end when I tried to wrap up what we had said and summarize with "bullet points" he actually smiled and covered his ears and said "NO LISTS. THERE IS NO LIST."