I had a really good session with my counselor yesterday morning. We debriefed on the whole package and phone conversation with B thing. Basically he told me I need to trust myself and be more in the moment. and that I don't need to involve as many people in my decision making process. Don't worry, he is PRO the DB support group. He just said I am taking too many opinions into account (like people in my real life who have NFC what DB'ing is or why I want to do it) and this is making things too complicated for myself. He said I've done so much work on myself that I just need to put into practice what I already know. At the end when I tried to wrap up what we had said and summarize with "bullet points" he actually smiled and covered his ears and said "NO LISTS. THERE IS NO LIST."
We talked about the pros and cons of various ways to make contact. I told him about the "phone call with viola excuse" vs "phone call just to see how he's doing." "Phone call just to see how he's doing" sends a clearer message that I genuinely care about him, not that I'm just using him for musician networking. "Viola excuse" kind of uses up one of my only excuses to contact him.
As a CASE IN POINT, late last night I had a heart to heart with a friend who just WA'd from an amazing man and had a really fling with a "hot man" who turned out to be a total immature pukeface. Now she has broken up with "pukeface hot man" and is officially completly single. We talked about her whole sitch first (SIGN OF PROGRESS for me, normally I would need to 'debrief' my whole long story before being able to help someone else, considering what a 'big deal' it was for me to talk to B). Then when I told her about the phonecall she told me to wait for a MONTH so he could call me first. And I thought, dammit! Yet another opinion I now have to consider! This is exactly what my counselor was warning me against!!
Other than that... I am feeling a better. I spent a couple nights sleepless and crying my eyes out until 4 in the morning.... but I think there is just a lot of sadness inside that I haven't let out yet, that I need to embrace and take care of. Sometimes I am really upset about all that I gave up to come to Atlanta to go to grad school, and my heart yearns not only for my B, but for everything else I left behind. I yearn so much to have one place in the world where I have everything I need-- a happy place to live, the man I love, growing artistically, making money and supporting myself, good friends-- not just bits and pieces. I think I went through this exact same thing last March/april also.
I had a bad rehearsal this morning (I felt like crap b/c I wasn't prepared) and then an AMAZING rehearsal this afternoon.
I think this weekend may have just been PMS, but I am still planning to get my hormones checked, b/c I think something might be "out of balance". I still could go in for some SERIOUS healing. Acupuncture, massage, energy healing, nutritional analysis, BRING IT ON!!!
So, who knows, thursday, this weekend, 2 weeks, but at this point, we know I am going to call him, if he doesn't call me first.
One last thing. I laid awake in bed last night trying to figure something out. Why did he call me back right away? Why did he sound so happy and excited to talk to me? Why did he suggest we talk again soon? Why did he tell me it was good to hear my voice? I could only really come up with one explanation (and TRUST ME, I tried to come up with multiple explanations). He must have *actually wanted* to talk to me. Otherwise he just would have delayed, not called at all, or called with a "guilty" tone or "obligated" tone, not happy-friendly-excited-laughing-nervous tone. Wow. He wants to talk to me? How did we get here????
(((((HUGS)))))) ((((LOVING BEAMS THROUGH COMPUTER MONITOR))))))
He just said I am taking too many opinions into account (like people in my real life who have NFC what DB'ing is or why I want to do it) and this is making things too complicated for myself. He said I've done so much work on myself that I just need to put into practice what I already know. At the end when I tried to wrap up what we had said and summarize with "bullet points" he actually smiled and covered his ears and said "NO LISTS. THERE IS NO LIST."