Ya know.. the image of removing the emotional wick from the candle works wonders for me. It just doesn't hurt.. and I still say, an affair might not be true.
How he left is personally upsetting, on his own terms without me being a part of the process. He left because he was miserable, didn't want to feel like he soldiered on through surviving this life. He left without allowing any discussion, focusing on a divorce instead. He made up his mind, by himself and left. From his perspective he was a martyr for sticking it out as long as he did. And the kids had a father for all those years.
I don't know how he feels, I don't know what he does, I don't see him. I have plans the one night he takes the kids out. I'm not here. He is becoming someone I barely talk to. It's comfortable when I hear his voice, and I feel a stirring of what family means when we talk of the kids
Pointing fingers at spouses only hurts us. You know the old saying, "When you point a finger, three fingers are pointing back at you."
I've already lived a lifetime of hate, being hurt, angry, helpless, fearful from being sexually molested my entire childhood on a regular basis. It has taken a lifetime to climb out of that well, and I still feel ickiness. As wonderful as I am, I'm skewed when it comes to certain things, anything that involves trust.
My husband loved me in a way no one else ever has. He wanted to know me.. the me within and was not swayed by my distractions, my fear of being so worthless on the inside. When he chose to love, he loved fully with heart, mind and soul.
We both screwed up. We've raised three incredible loving children. We've had 26 years of knowing each other.
He left an untenable situation. The more he is gone, the more I realize how empty a life we lived, held together by a love of family, respect and love for each other but an emptiness created by intentional and unintentional compromise and unspoken decisions.
With his physical departure, I was forced to see the life we had. I do not want the marriage we've shared, a relationship where I was always walking on eggshells always feeling I never did anything right. And you know who did that to me? ME! Instead of GAL, I had LAG (Lost all gumption). Having 180's? No way, I flat-lined!
I believe in miracles. I could wish upon a star that the beauty of love that seemed our destiny would return.. with both of us transformed into a couple who turns to each other, rather than away.
But ya know what.. I have one life in this body. I have a compassionate heart and a joy in life. I love. I smile. I hug.. oh my goodness, do I love hugging! Life isn't over, what is best isn't gone if I keep moving on, walking tall, embracing what the world has to offer with a smile.
The anger, the anguish, the fear will ebb and flow, but I am going to push away embracing them. I don't need anymore sludge in my life.
You are all good, wonderful, noble people with hearts almost as big as your smiles. You and I deserve to be happy. Our happiness is only a heartbeat and a smile away.
