MLC BS/2?

[missmyfriend]

Patrick, did you go this evening? I apologize for not being able to get online and respond until now. I work in a large IT department and I am getting ready for a scout trip with my two sons this weekend so I feel a little ragged.

If at any time you do not want me to say anything or share something with you, please let me know, otherwise I will assume it is okay to discuss this.

First, it has not been a long time since this ordeal started for you. It feels like forever but it hasn't been that long in the grand scheme of this horrible mess. You need to let yourself mourn the state of your marriage. And I recommend you do it separate from your wife, children, family and friends.

Second, like I recommend often, find a male mentor, hopefully who is grounded in the bible and is "real" in his walk. What I mean by this is someone who is not judgmental of your wife and others but is not accepting of the choices people make. I am fortunate to have someone like this who is a cheerleader for my entire family and has the patience I could only dream about having. At the same time, he is genuinely humble and has shared with me his challenges that he has faced and still faces daily.

I am saying this because you have shared that you do not have that kind of person in your life. I cannot imagine how difficult that would be if I were in your shoes.

If you do want that kind of person in your life, how do you find him? I would check with your pastor at your church. Tell him your situation and he may have someone in mind that is looking to help lead someone. I cannot encourage you enough to do this. It should help you get a lot more even in your emotions. Right now, you have no support, other that the big guy upstairs. He is awesome by Himself but He says that you should not be on your own. He wants you to be with others that seek Him as well.

I agreed with Jack saying that if you could control your emotions at the party this evening, it would be better that you do not go. It can only lead to bad feelings between you and your wife, plus it could cause friction between you and your daughters and in laws.

I can say that I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I love my W as much as you love yours. I love my W with such depth and intensity but have learned to not show how much I miss her. And before you think it is easy for me because as a guy we hide our emotions, that isnt me. I am an emotional guy that loves his family and has never had challenges conveying that.

It has become easier to handle what my W has said or done because I do love her regardless of what she says or does. I have gotten there with help. My help comes from the Lord. I may be wrong but I picture you as a man who believes He can be the strength you desperately need.

Patrick, I have not shared this with anyone on the board until now. Previously, my W told me that she did not like me and did not want me around her friends because I would be too judgmental (and she was right about that). She told me last Aug-Sep that she still loves me when she accidently slipped up. She still did not like me or want to be around me because she was always nervous around me (intimidated would be a better word).

Yesterday, on our anniversary of dating, I was discussing a kid issue (I had asked for her opinion on handling a situation) with her and she thanked me for asking her for her help. She then told me that she had noticed a change in me and had wanted to tell me this for several months. She said she was enjoying the time when she sees me and doesn't feel uncomfortable at all when she is with me and no longer is nervous before she sees me.

She apologized if it sounded bad and I said I felt complimented and I thanked her.

Patrick, last year on this day, I cried, missing her. Thinking how the OP is with her and enjoying time with my W. I was so tormented. It took me many months from the bomb and the separation to get to the point where I could handle seeing her without crying (not bawling, just tears in my eyes).

This year, I missed her. I wanted to tell her "Happy Anniversary baby. I love you now and forever" but I didn't and I was okay with that. I didn't need to say it to her for my benefit. I did not need to hear her say it to me.

But what was cool was that she gave me a wonderful present by telling me in not so many words, that she saw the changes in me, she liked the changes, and she enjoys seeing me. She didn't tell me she was coming home, she didn't say she knew that we belonged together, she didn't say she wanted to jump my bones (I wish she would have though ) but I heard you are a person I like.

I do believe my marriage will be restored. I believe that God has shown me indicators that H will heal my M but I do not want it restored until it is His time, i.e. when I am ready to handle having her home again and when she is ready to be home.

Patrick, nothing is over until He says it is over. We try to control so much in our lives and I think this is proof we don't. I have learned that I don't want to be "in control" of my life. I have controlled my life to the point my W felt she had to leave. Not that I am completely to blame but neither is she.

Be the man, Patrick. At the same time, cut yourself some slack and do not blame yourself 100% (nor her) and stop trying to save your marriage on your own. Ask Him to do it for you.

Bro', I know you can do this. I see so much passion that you have for your family. The one thing you need to do is to stop the self destructive behavior that is causing you further harm. You do not have to defend yourself or your actions to your wife. It only comes across as excuses. And don't worry about being the perfect DBer. Just start making habits of the changes you want in yourself. It won't happen overnight. Just keep making the changes little by little, day by day.

You can do this!