Thanks, Leni and Beauty! I feel like I have expressed the emotions I have felt, except when it was obvious that doing so would not help my cause to restore my marriage (being noticably sad every time he comes over, etc.) I do have guilt I have to deal with that alot of other people don't, but yeah, my husband was certainly capable of reacting to what I did in other ways.
Journaling: Didn't do the best job DBing this afternoon. Why can't I keep my mouth shut about certain things? My family is really pressuring me about my husband not making a decision, not telling me what he's thinking about as far as whether he has any intention of making the marriage work, continuing to make selfish decision (expensive motorcycle in Connecticut being the latest). So I asked him (nicely) this afternoon if he could just give me an idea of what he's thinking right now. Not his ultimate decision regarding whether or not we stay married...just his feelings about what's going on now. But he didn't want to talk about it, said he couldn't really express what he's feeling...asked me at one point what was the worst thing I could hear right now...what in the world does that mean???? I told him that the worst would be that he's going to file for divorce. He didn't respond with anything much.
Then, I had to call him tonight( about something unrelated to all this), and I just asked, "Are you staying separated because you don't want to pay child support? Are you not pursuing divorce because you don't want to struggle financially? Because I've put up with a whole lot, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to work on this marriage, even if it means giving you more time to deal with stuff. But I don't want to be strung along just because you can't afford to divorce me."
He said we'll talk Sunday night when we get home from Connecticut. I don't expect to hear anything good (unless a miracle occurs), so now I feel miserable that I once again brought up stuff that should probably be left unsaid. Then again, should I coast along forever, falsely hoping that he's missing me or trying to get over the OW and affair and work on us, when in reality he's remaining married on paper only so that he can feel less pressure financially? And what happens if I talk to a mediator, and once he/she looks over our finances, I learn that my husband cannot afford to divorce me? What then? He acts like he'll magically be able to come up with enough money to live on should we divorce, but he's employed wishful, ridiculous thinking throughout this whole mess.
I guess I'm just feeling really sad and frustrated tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
