Mine was from the opposite direction. The ex was a Supervisor over about 20-25 people in the Lab of a local hospital.
When she left she took a small efficiency apartment in town. It wasn't long before one of her female subordinates was living with her. We may never know the true nature of THAT relationship. She tried to keep it under wraps of course, because the hospital had a rather stringent policy about socializing with subordinates.
New Years Eve 06/07 she backed out of an evening with the boys claiming illness. That night my oldest son saw her in his neighborhood (he was living with a friend) picking up one of her male employees. Seems he had a falling out with his wife and then spent the night with ex and her female roommate. Yep, all three of them in a cozy little 2 room efficiency.
As fate would have it, I drove by the apartment the next morning. I was still in pursuit mode and wanted to see if she had had any company (not knowing yet what son had seen). She spotted me and we wound up having it out verbally. She revealed that she had had TWO overnight guests, both employees. She was deathly afraid that I would report them. The female roommate went so far as to send threatening text messages to me, promising to call the school where I worked and deliver some false charges against me if I reported them.
I never had to report them Sandy. They scrambled in fear for Lord knows how long just over the fact that I KNEW what was going on.
Anyhow, long story just to get to the point of saying that while I can fully appreciate the DESIRE to have someone rat them out, you definitely want to keep yourself out of it.
This stuff almost always comes out in the end. No doubt this will be part of your husband bottoming out at some point, i.e. losing a job, etc.
You do sound very well grounded. Though no matter how well we manage to adjust, it still doesn't take away the pain and hurt in the quiet hours. I wish you peace for those times.
Let him flounder. Remain the solid one and the only remaining adult in your family with integrity.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
The inconsistencies, the OW at work (mine is his secretary). She will file sexual harrassment if he leaves her.
The rewriting of history.
The ass he is making out of himself.
The damage to his girls, but not really giving a crap.
Your attitude is right. It has to just play out. Patience and time.
It gets ugly before it gets remotely better.
Hang in there - Hugs
Trusting.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
My H picked up my youngest daughter to take her to b'fast ( this is his first contact with her in a week and he has been IN town, no calls..one text but thats it) She had slept at her friends house, so he would be picking her up there. I was informed by my daughter, they would be going to b fast at local coffee shop at end of our street and he would be bringing her home.
Knowing this I really DID NOT want to be anywhere near the house when he stopped by..if he came in and saw me he would verbal vomit on me and I choose to not put myself in that situation. I would hear the same ole story about how I was to blame for everything etc etc etc. And if he just dropped her off and didnt come in and avoided me and the house, it would hurt.Basically it was a no win situation so I made the choice to go to Target next town over and pick up a few things we needed and get that out of the way. My idea was just remove myself from the equation..I'm real big on the whole detaching with love thing..lol
I left for Target not telling anyone where I was going. On drive in car I asked God to just give me SOMETHING? ANYTHING? to tell me I was doing the right thing, a sign to hang on and keep standing no matter how bad it seems...
So Im doing my thing in Target, taking my time, killing time, stalling what ever you want to call it. I'm walking down one of the main aisles pushing my cart along, deep in thought when out of nowhere from behind me comes my H and my D. I was dumbfounded and slightly paniced (inside). This is EXACTLY what I had TRIED to avoid!! So I said a quick prayer to God to "have my back" and I then was immersed into DB ing..big time! No warning just BAM! Time to DB! My H started talking to me like any other time in our 21 yrs of marriage if I hadnt been "living the MLC dream" with him these last 6 mnths I would never had believed it. He chatted about the girls and school work and finances and what he was doing. I just stood, smiled and listened. Was kind,calm and let him guide convo. He then asked me for keys to my car so he could switch our daughters overnight stuff and he could leave to go on his out of town trip (with OW coworker)for the week. I internally freaked as I had left my journal laying on front seat and it is 90% about HIM and if he saw it..YIKES!!! I did NOT want to go out into parking lot with him as I was sure as soon as we were not in a public store and out of range of my D he might start in with his verbal vomit but I had no choice. We left our D in store and stopped by his car to get D's stuff. He then stood and engaged me in a convo about girls and more financial stuff. Again I just stood and listened and didnt say much but was kind and attentive. I didnt ask one question. Just listened.I made sure to keep looking at his face and try to keep eye contact. He then said he had to go, kinda hesitated and said he would let me know this week about one of the financial matters ( something he has never done is said he would contact me) I said a simple "ok" and then a sincere "have a good week". He got in his car and drove off..
....then I cried....just a little as I walked to my car. Pulled myself together and went back into Target to find my daughter.
Ok so for FIRST time in 5 months my H had a convo with me WITHOUT verbal vomit/anger..do I think hes "coming out of it?" Noooo waaaay he is a looooong way from that.
But what it was..Gods way of saying "Sandy hold on. Hold on".
They had no idea I was in Target. They stopped to get a book for my daughter. It was waaay out of his way. If I had seen him coming I would have ducked up another aisle. I did not. I had no "out" no "warning" nothing.
when its in Gods hands...what better place for it to be?
So Sandy is holding on...
M 44 H 44 M 22 yrs D 20 D 16 D 13 Bomb 1 8/25/07 Bomb 2 9/30/07 Left 10/01/07 OW..yup
Me? I'm scrambling to save my family. My H is just scrambling.
I am so glad that you this as an answer to your prayer to God. There is a place on the Prayer Forum for answers to prayer - you should put this there as well.
You are right - you will probably see parts of venum from time to time but not as often (or as for long as periods) as before.
AND you had awesome goals and baby steps for yourself. Better draw a heart in your journal on this day.
Thank you for your words of encouragement..I do beleive God wants me to hang on and yesterday he told me so.
I had no idea this is your second journey through MLC ( I read it on another post). You are a strong woman and Im so sorry you get to take yet another "journey". I admire you and your strength.
Again..thank you for your kind words..
M 44 H 44 M 22 yrs D 20 D 16 D 13 Bomb 1 8/25/07 Bomb 2 9/30/07 Left 10/01/07 OW..yup
Me? I'm scrambling to save my family. My H is just scrambling.
I need to call you...I also pray for an answer some days....I just want to know whether to hang on, like you....you got your answer...God certainly was there....
I'm happy you had such a great day....I hope they get more frequent for you....
I'll call soon...
Treese
Last edited by Treese; 03/03/0807:50 PM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Im trying so hard to be detached and "not care" about what he is doing..I try..and most dyas I'm pretty darn good at it but last few days have been tough...
He is hot and heavy with is OW and is in "love". Her H already has another girlfriend. (this is all through another source), She has 8 yr old twins and he sneaks in after they go to bed and out in morning. Yuck. He defends her. He thinks shes wonderful and even if he wasnt with her..he wouldnt want to be married to me...Honestly we were happy.
They work togther and again, she is his superior. Not good. I want his work to find out sooo bad as it would take the shine off. I know hes very nervous about this. His financial situation is a mess. He left 6 months ago today, doesnt want respsonsibility blah blah blah.
I guess she told her neighbors that she and her H are seperated but she is seeing someone else now. UHG. Again.
Never in a zillion years did I think my H would or even could do this to us. Im GALing and doing my DB. I'm sure my situation is no differnt than any others..I just feel so hopeless right now. So very hopeless. My friends are hopeless and think Im nuts. he is just a freaking mess and Im the only one that notices..ok his dad and sis too...yes I'm rambling..lol. He has vomited out the whole divorce thing however has done nothing..as the script goes..
Any words of encouragement for us...we are praying everyday for our H and father. He only has contact with my yougest daughter at this point. Im trying tobe strong and usually am..Just not so much now...
M 44 H 44 M 22 yrs D 20 D 16 D 13 Bomb 1 8/25/07 Bomb 2 9/30/07 Left 10/01/07 OW..yup
Me? I'm scrambling to save my family. My H is just scrambling.
Oh and PS..this is her 2nd marriage that she is cheating on...I still cant believe my H would sleep with a married woman. Oh my gosh..my old H would think that was so wrong on so many levels.
::::shaking my head::::
M 44 H 44 M 22 yrs D 20 D 16 D 13 Bomb 1 8/25/07 Bomb 2 9/30/07 Left 10/01/07 OW..yup
Me? I'm scrambling to save my family. My H is just scrambling.
He is hot and heavy with is OW and is in "love". Her H already has another girlfriend. (this is all through another source), She has 8 yr old twins and he sneaks in after they go to bed and out in morning. Yuck. He defends her. He thinks shes wonderful and even if he wasnt with her..he wouldnt want to be married to me...Honestly we were happy.
Ah, yes. The old, tried and true, "it has nothing to do with her," and "even if I had never met her I would still be leaving you," speeches. Lovely, aren't they?
Truth is, I don't know what the truth is. I think it's possible H would have had MLC even without OW throwing herself at him, but on the other hand, he was an honest, upright, moral guy who knew he was having some internal issues and might have found another way to deal with them had OW not seen her chance and jumped at it.
Quote:
They work togther and again, she is his superior. Not good. I want his work to find out sooo bad as it would take the shine off. I know hes very nervous about this. His financial situation is a mess. He left 6 months ago today, doesnt want respsonsibility blah blah blah.
Be patient, be still. You can't manipulate the situation. And who knows what would happen if you did!? They might both lose their jobs and decide to run off to Timbuktu together. An exaggeration, yes, but moving further away from kids in order to get a job in a new town where no one knows them is a very real possibility. So.......Be patient, be still. If God means for it to be exposed in order to fulfill his plan, then it will be.
Quote:
Never in a zillion years did I think my H would or even could do this to us. Im GALing and doing my DB. I'm sure my situation is no differnt than any others..I just feel so hopeless right now. So very hopeless. My friends are hopeless and think Im nuts. he is just a freaking mess and Im the only one that notices..ok his dad and sis too...yes I'm rambling..lol. He has vomited out the whole divorce thing however has done nothing..as the script goes..
Any words of encouragement for us...we are praying everyday for our H and father. He only has contact with my yougest daughter at this point. Im trying tobe strong and usually am..Just not so much now...
Words of hope? Could use some of those myself! But I've got plenty of words of commiseration!! I am also on the rollercoaster of confusion. I waver constantly between anger, sadness, patience, hopefulness, hopelessness, peace, despair, disgust, and love. You name it, I've felt it!!
I am getting a little tired of having to defend my decision to DB and wait to so many friends and family. Anyone else finding that?
Sandyof5,
I'm just so glad we have this place to come and vent. Oh, hey! My H finally agreed to at least one session of counseling this Thursday. Please say prayers for us, and come check out my thread if you get a chance.
Hang in there! {{hugs for Sandy}}
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
Sandy I think you have answered your self through your writing. Your OLD H would not do this and, you were happy.
He is not the old H, he is the confused hurt lost H that has no idea what he's doing right now. Hence the A and his spewing all of his crap. What the outcome of his actions are up to him. Right now you need to live for you and your children.
Everyone has bad days and this crap hurts but, we are the strong ones right now even if we don't feel it.
tomorrow is another day.
Hey, do you feel that the A might be found out at work?
A lot of times when the MLCer is confronted and things are in the open it helps to turn things the other way.
It is up to them weather or not they will come through their crisis but, I do believe with all of my heart that most do.
(((((((Sandy)))))))
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
