RTL, Just know you are doing the best you can in very difficult situation. Perhaps you could go to a mediator to settle things. It doesn't sound like your W can be trusted without a third party present. I don't know your whole sitch or what started this but, why does she think you forced her to move out? Was it because of the OM? how can she think you would be happy about her splitting up your family by having an affair? Just read your latest post, in my opinion this has to stop. I think your W is only thinking of herself and is not equipped to be a Mother. This should have been apparent, when she took a 4 year old out of her home and involved her with another man who is not her father. if I were you , I would take the attitude with both W and the L to get this over as fast as possible. Your W may be shocked , but I would be more concerned with minimizing the emotional damage to your D. It also may help your W to focus on the reality of the situation rather than concerning herself with the value of some wall unit or something. And if you spent $40,000 , it was spent during the marriage so the court will not really care unless you have it stashed away somewhere. The court basically cares that debt is paid, nobody goes on welfare and the kids are taken care of. Your W needs to grow up and stop throwing stones.
- as for W's wackiness - have you ever thought about getting a calendar and marking it? Because she seems so hormonal and weird, perhaps there's a monthly cycle to her madness? If so, you could save yourself a lot of grief by anticipating when "those days" were and avoiding negotiating at that time of the month.
- as for the house - are you so far away from W that you would have to move in order to share custody of your D? Seems odd to me that the courts would expect you to move out of the family home, rather than expect W to rent somewhere closer to home. If you could buy W out for little money, couldn't you stay in the house and get a room mate to help with expenses?
- I agree with the advice of others to leave as much to the lawyers as you can. Yes, it's unfortunate that it costs more to do it that way, but with a crazy woman like your wife, it seems safest. As for the household goods and personal belongings - rather than pay for an appraiser, can't you just go online and find comparable values for things? Craigslist, maybe?
- as for wife's accusations that you somehow are responsible for all the debt: I get that too. I have always handled our finances, because H didn't care to. For 20+ years things went well. Last year he made a decision to make a career change that involved a lower salary, but he didn't follow through on the decreased spending part of that. As a result, we accumulated some debt, which we will likely have to pay off over the next year or so (he is now back at his previous salary, and I now have an income which is slowly increasing as I build my business). I tried to speak to him about it as things were going on - but he made impulsive purchases to the tune of over $15,000 and continued to make his usual expensive travel plans without once consulting me on whether we could afford them.
Now he has finally decided to "take over" our finances (although I still do all the bill paying). Thankfully, this has led to him finally understanding that he does not take home nearly as much as he used to think he did and our expenses are large and fixed. Still, he has that need to somehow blame it all on me. Near as I can tell, he thinks our debt is due to me buying People magazine at the grocery store!!
My point being - it's about them WANTING things to be a certain way (ie my husband thinking "I make a good salary therefore I can buy anything I want") and when confronted with a reality that doesn't match that, deciding it must be your fault.
Also, bear in mind that the guilty WAS HAS to demonize the LBS in order to justify their affair and departure from the marriage.
Stick to the high road, stick to business only in the divorce negotiations (keeping the emotional stuff out of it) and be very very careful of your W, who is willing to accuse you of child molestation apparently.
Now I'm beginning to fear that W is involving D in covering up her affair w/ OM "Jim." I don't have to like D having an affair w/ OM "Jim", but if she is going to enlist my D in lying to cover it up, that is severely wrong in my book and I hope the parenting evaluator believes the same thing too.
No matter how tempting it may be, don't get into the middle of that. There is no upside for you and consequently your daughter. If you bring it up the parenting evaluator without being asked, you look spiteful and controlling. My guess is that the parenting evaluator sees a lot of these situations and will know what questions to ask both your W and your D.
Nut, I feel I need to mention it to the parenting evaluator just because I am concerned w/ its impact on D. I am supposed to let him know everything that concerns me and then let him decide how to decipher it.
I spoke w/ D tonight for over 14 minutes after W had called early and told me "she isn't feeling well and probably won't be too talkative b/c she's growing and her legs hurt."
Well, D got on the phone and cheered up in a hurry so we had a wonderful conversation. The only downer was her talking about OM using his pseudo-name, but it was really great to hear her laugh, giggle and create. I had conversations w/ her, with her dolls Cinderella and Ariel, as well as her big brown stuffed dog.
I heard W tell D "tell Daddy I need to talk to him when you are done" but D told me goodnight, she loved me and to have sweet dreams, then hung up the phone. W didn't call back and I'm not calling her either.
That is what I've got so far. No e-mail update or return on my request to have her spell out that she'll be satisified w/ our possessions being split and not want compensation later on.
I also want this parenting evaluation to conclude quickly as I'm so afraid for my D's welfare. However, I'd rather wait it out if the correct decisions will be made over time.
As for why she moved out, it is b/c the OM persuaded her to leave me. It was him that looked over our finances and told her I was going to bankrupt us and not have anything around for D's college education. He also is the one who has put into her mind that I'm someone she should be very afraid of physically.
I'm hoping that this affair will go the way of most affairs and end w/in the next six months or so b/c then W would be alone and would have been dumped by the man who convinced her to throw everything she had away and start over. The only sad thing is I'm really afraid W would turn to another man before she'd ever look inward and get some help for herself or look to me to say she made a mistake in leaving. That is my real fear w/ this all. I know I have to let go, but it is still scary b/c I'm pretty sure she'll never come back.
As for ending this divorce quickly, I'm not opposed to that at all. The first thing to do is get custody settled, then look to close this chapter and move on. If it is meant for us to reconnect we will, but right now there isn't much hope at all. It is very bleak. I'm not giving up hope, because the books tell you to never give up hope no matter how dark it becomes. However, I am resigning myself to the fact I've got to move forward for me and D regardless of what happens w/ my marriage.
Maybe speeding things up will finally rock her boat a bit. I don't know. I do know she calmed down when I stood up to her today and she came back only a little negative and mostly ready to play nice.
I don't think there is a smoking financial gun W will find, so this has a good chance of not working in her favor at all.
I think the major problem w/ my W is the fact she had to have a hysterectomy in May due to chronic pain from Endometriosis. She hasn't been the same since. She even said "they broke something when they went in there. I don't feel right." Since then, she's done the complete wardrobe change, lost a ton of weight, started wearing jewelry for the 1st time in our 12 year relationship and then had the affair. Now, it is the D papers and on to a new life. I'm convinced the hysterectomy threw her into an early MLC.
As for the home location, W is a 40 minute commute each way from our current house, so I'd have to sell to get us in an equidistant location from both our work places and settle D into school. Now, if by some grace of God, I'm awarded full or primary custody, then I'll decide where we live and where D goes to school, not W. However, a 50/50 split looks the most likely, so we'll have to be in the middle of our work areas.
I'd like to be able to buy her out and rent the place if we can't sell in this market. That is the main reason why I'm getting as many opinions on the property as I can so I'll be armed w/ the best information at my disposal to give to W and present a possible buyout.
What is it w/ unrealistic ideas about stashing and wasting thousands of dollars? Your H did the same thing as my W. It is purely nuts. Now she's going to spend a fortune having someone pour over the records I'll give them to find out there is no big secret after all. She'll be driving up her own costs of this divorce b/c she is not in a sane place and she's being driven by her OM who is about as stable and sturdy as a wet noodle (if you weren't familiar, while OM was married, he was having an EA w/ my W and a PA w/ one of his 22-year-old students. W knows about the 22-year-old and is back w/ him anyway. How stable is she?).
I'm tired of this game, but I've got to continue and move forward again tomorrow. I have my 1st meeting w/ the trainer tomorrow, so I'm jumpstarting my exercise routine again and it is about time. I'm down and sluggish now and need to get off the hump in a hurry. Tomorrow will be good for me.
I second what Tomato suggested. I used the gym as an escape from the BS going on at home and since June of last year, I have lost 30 pounds and feel great physically.
Treat yourself, treat your daughter, the opinion of your STBX really does not matter. Get out and GAL. Do some things that you have always wanted to do. There is a whole world of possibilities and now is the time to redefine who you are...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
Hey RTL...so what present are you buying your daughter? God your W is so controlling and BITTER. I cant believe it. I'm so sorry its no wonder you feel a bit depressed, it does sound very stressful what you are being hit with daily. I'd be so tempted to refute the things she says, to argue back, to say, I am very sad to hear you say these things and taht this is your interpreation, I had no idea you were so angry/sad/hurt aggrieved whatever fits.
So thats why she moved there then...because thats where he lives? So does that mean you are D her on grounds of adultery? I would have thiught that goes in your favour doesnt it? Or is she D you on irreconcilable differences, or is it different in the US?
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, I cant believe how mean your W is. And to send you an email sayign "and these rules are permanenet" is juts NUTS! She left you and is with an OM, does she expect you to come up and kiss her or something? Shes insane. It must be so hard to reconcile all of this with the woman that you shared your life with and loved. She has really turned on yuo. I think a letter is a good idea. but yes, speak to the DB coach about it.
Ali x ______________ Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed: 4 Mar current thread
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I've been able to get a little mad at myself for not exercising, so I'm hoping to carry this feeling over as I look to leave campus and head home. I did a better job in the classroom today and I'm usually able to fake it well and provide energy and enthusiam. However, I'm very non-productive during my preps when I should be working on making my lessons more dynamic and engaging.
I'm really just looking to survive the year as it has been the worst personal year of my life.
I'm starting to look forward to the workout today. That is at least a little bit of a good sign.
