hank you very much, girl. I feel like I'm floundering here.
I wish i could just have one day where things feel normal. I know thats a lot to ask but right now I'm just shaking. Just shaking for no apparent reason.
Since Sunday we have been avoiding each other like the plague.
Yesterday he did all my laundry while I was at work. He didn't do his own. Didn't do the kids. Just mine.
This morning when I left for work I left a letter for him on the counter. Basically it said it is not my responsibility to figure out his life for him and I won't ask him for help with mine. He just needs to take his half of the burden of this family. I also said that he can't just have freak out when the kids are home and can hear every word. Its only going to hurt them. If he has a problem, he needs to write it down or email it or wait. I said a lot in the letter but that is the basics.
Today when i came home he was all nicey nice and before he walked out the door for work he said "I read your letter and and I agree with it all. I'm going to write you a letter soon, but i just haven't done it yet." I told him I'm going out tonight and he said he would be home on time.
I can't believe this is my life. Maybe i should have seen it coming but i just can't believe it. I hate myself for missing him. I hate myself for wanting to collapse in his arms. I hate feeling butterflies in my stomach when I hear him laugh.
I really need to get a grip and cook dinner but I right now i don't know how.
Me BS 30 Him WH 32 Kids 9, 4 and 2 Together 12 years DDAY#1 9/30/05 False reconciliation DDAY #2 3/13/08 blindsided
Logically I know i just need to take a step back and relax but emotionally it feels impossible.
He is very up and down, in all aspects of his life. I think he thinks thats what makes him so "special", like a tortured artist syndrome.
I do feel angry that i love him. I feel like I should be a stronger woman. I'm a feminist for crying out loud! Why do I care? Why do I love one stupid man who has been nothing but disrespectful to me?
I've got plans for tonight and tomorrow. Hopefully i can keep my mind off things.
Me BS 30 Him WH 32 Kids 9, 4 and 2 Together 12 years DDAY#1 9/30/05 False reconciliation DDAY #2 3/13/08 blindsided
That's great you've made plans. That's a start. i know what you mean about being angry at yourself for letting this go on.. and believe me I feel like that still. Its like "how could I let him to this and say these things to me.. but not everything is cut and dry.
my heart goes out to you..
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
It seems like you have a good grasp on what to do as far as communicating with him. I know you feel like you're floundering, but I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit.
My heart aches for you.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Well, he's down again. He stopped in for dinner and pulled me outside and starting laying into me. I know i should have just walked away but I just didn't. I didn't cry though. He said its not fair that I make him take the kids half the time and he has no free time because he's working and I'm nothing but a heartless bitch and he's so glad he'll finally be away from me. He'll pay the bills but I better not touch any of "his" money. I just said its not his money yet, its ours. Funny how he has always said that no matter what me and the kids would never have to worry about money but now when i don't do what he wants me to do he tries to hold it over my head. I tried to stay calm but I was obviously flustered.
I guess i better go my own accounts tomorrow.
Me BS 30 Him WH 32 Kids 9, 4 and 2 Together 12 years DDAY#1 9/30/05 False reconciliation DDAY #2 3/13/08 blindsided
still, your post about you shaking really brought me back to last summer. I honestly don't know how I did it. I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was running 2 miles a day. I was in shock. So many triggers, it hurt so much to be around H, but it hurt when he was gone as well.
Get your accts in order, quietly. He said those things out of anger only, probably doesn't mean it, but you do need to protect yourself. I suppose for now, if he thinks he has no free time, give it to him. Tell him to pick the days he wants to see the kids, and then tell him he has to stick with those because you will be making plans. Get a sitter if he can't make it. He needs the space, and you do too.
About communicating with him right now. Its going to be so hard. My H was so very angry and hateful during his PA (when I didn't know about it) and after he confessed, it got worse for awhile. He hated me, I ruined the marriage, I was selfish, etc. Granted, he still feels that I did more to ruin the M, but he has calmed down so much since last summer. You have GOT to walk away. Tell him you will talk with him, but you will not be yelled at, or talked down to. Tell him to email you if he has things to say. Wonder what caused his mood to switch.
You can get through this. Its so very painful and yes, I remember wishing for one normal moment, one escape from me thinking "This is my life!". Soon the raw pain will be easier to take, sleep will come, and you will be feeling better. Take care!
Thank you lwb. I know it will gt better but it will never happen soon enough.
Originally Posted By: lwb
Tell him to pick the days he wants to see the kids, and then tell him he has to stick with those because you will be making plans.
That is what we had agreed upon but now he wants more. Basically he wants me to stay home 24/7 and take care of the kids so he can do whatever he wants. He wants to take care of the kids when he wants to do it and doesn't want me to get my own life. He will pay for everything as long as I keep my mouth shut. That is what our marriage was! I can't keep doing it.
Me BS 30 Him WH 32 Kids 9, 4 and 2 Together 12 years DDAY#1 9/30/05 False reconciliation DDAY #2 3/13/08 blindsided
I am going through this now. H *never* once has stayed with the kids on a weekend night. He goes out, no questions asked. I finally got a sitter and started going out on my own. Now, lately, on his off days, he is more and more absent. I am starting to think (obsess) that maybe my H is doing the same thing, knows I am at home, so I can't get in 'trouble'. Mostly he is just using me, knowing the kids are happy and healthy with me, while he lives his single life.
