Hi Girl - yup, we did Retrouvaille after H's affair. (I've been reading here for almost 2 years and took what others have experienced to heart.) It helped to really get passed a lot of the bad feelings - which is why I think we can both say we are willing to work at our M. We both debated throwing in the towel and walking away, but that didn't seem like a solution to either of us - it felt like throwing in the towel. I really faced walking away from my M. It scared the hell out of me. But I looked at it, embraced it, and decided against it. I also always said that if we were to divorce we would not have any R at all. I really don't "believe" in divorce and remaining friends. That doesn't work for me. So I knew, and my H knew, that if this M were to end so would our R. I vowed to never see him again - what would be the point? I never inteded on being "just friends" with my H - that was never the basis of our R. So, Ding and then remaining friends just didn't work for me. It didn't make sense. (wow, I feel like I'm rambling) And H, originally felt that we would D and remain friends and everything would be ok. I would get remarried, he would marry OW and we'd be a happy foursome - but that was awhile ago. And no longer feels that way. And recently he said that if it weren't for the love we have for one another, as friends, we wouldn't be where we are today. We just wouldn't.
Sg - the babysteps I have acquired in this sitch have come from two distinct steps. Step 1 - tell H how I feel. Step 2 - don't bring it up again, don't pressure, have patience, work at his pace. It is the only thing that has seemed to help me make progress.
When we first M, H wanted to have sex. He wanted to have a physical R. He just couldn't ML. The trust that we had built our R on was wiped out - depleted - destroyed. He was so let down. So disappointed. He waited his whole life for his wedding night and sex never happened. We didn't even hook up. We were tired and our expectations of the night far outweighed reality. And then I freaked out - I panicked - I envisioned a life without sex - and I pulled out all the anti-Db tactics and H wanted to run for the hills. And as my H said just about 6 months ago, I feel like we've never recovered from our honeymoon. It was devastating and I shoulder most of the pain/responsiblity for that. H turned to another woman, I turned to my work.
I don't know what my next steps should be. Sg, I probably should find another counselor. I just can't imagine that there would be one out there that would look at us and say, Yup, this M can be saved.
