Didn't realize it had been so long since I posted...
The hockey game was fun; however, guess who I saw less than 15 minutes after we arrived? OW with her kids...fortunately, it is a largish arena and I couldn't see her seat from where we were, but it still put a bit of a damper on the evening...
I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer but i need to vent...
I'm heading down on the rollercoaster and really need to jump off...good ole' Mr. Expectations got me hoping last week that H and OW were on the skids...they likely hit another significant bump, but it wasn't fatal. And by the end of the week it seems that things are just cruising along again... as much as I know I shouldn't, i've still been checking his voicemail at work...and after another very somber message last week, things obviously changed, because on Sunday OW was talking about how much she was thinking of him, missing him and "ILY". Then after him spending several hours with her yesterday (after baldface lying about what his plans were for yesterday, and then f**king [sorry to be so graphic, can you tell I'm frustrated] the whole time), she leaves a message today, returning his call, saying how she woke up this morning thinking of him and 'I really love you'... God, it hurts so much to hear another woman's voice saying that to my husband.
Goal #1: I will stop checking H's voicemail NOW...
And, sadly, H has moved back downstairs to the living room pullout to sleep...he had moved up in early February (during their earlier blow up) after he started taking some Ambien, and then had stayed... he was sleeping very badly again during this last bump in the road, and last Thursday said he wanted to try a night with no stimuli, so moved back downstairs, and has stayed there.... I really think it's him moving away from me again, literally...
We also just got our raise info for next year (paltry to be sure in academe) but H seemed unusually interested in figuring out how much extra a month he was going to be earning... On the other hand, this is the month that S18 chooses a college, and H continues to talk like we're still going to try come up with the $$ to fund wherever S18 decides on (which will likely involve us borrowing $$). There's absolutely no way we could swing it if we split up.
I just have to back away from this...i'm finding it so hard to do, though. Since the kids have no clue about most of this, and I'm pretty sure H still thinks he's got this A all secretive... [in reality, he's so damn transparent]...i'm having a hard time figuring out my next step, or even if no step is the best step.
I'm feeling so defeated today... This is probably a time where him being gone would be easier than all living together.
I would love some suggestions on books about affairs, especially surviving/living through a spouse's affair; any that talk about someone keeping up a situation like H has on a long-term basis... For now, I guess it all hinges on me continuing to look the other way while he continues to hide things. I guess that's even more reason to quit snooping...
I'm just not prepared to confront H with what i know... but I do want to put up a big STOP sign to keep myself off that rollercoaster, and to get back to working on me.
