I've been lurking here for awhile, but have never posted. Alimad's posts have inspired me.
I'm in my early 30's, my H is in his late 30's. We've been married for about 5 years - we have never had sex.
We are both born again christians and I had sex with another man prior to being married. On our first date, my H asked me if I had ever had sex with anyone. Taken aback by his question, I lied and said no. I thought he wouldn't want me if I was "tainted". I had many opportunities between dating and the acutal wedding day to 'fess up, but I never did. Instead I just let him believe that I was a virgin - and then the wedding night came.
My H says that he never had sex prior to being married and I believe him. Our wedding night was a major disappointment as was our honeymoon. We barely touched and I recall crying for most of it. I didn't think it was possible to cry so much. Half way through the honeymoon, out of desperation and an attempt to express my extreme dissastisfaction for how the honeymoon was going, I told him that I wasn't a virgin afterall. And in that instant our marriage fell apart before it even began.
We never did get to the sex part in our M, but we used to at least have a physical relationship. We've done basically everything but. However, my dissastisfaction in our sex life boiled over into dissasitsfaction in everything - our finances, where we lived, our church, my job, our family. I was miserable in my life, miserable in our marriage.
About two years into our M, my H had an affair with a coworker. He fell in love with her, he made love to her. His A lasted about 18 months. I discovered it. He continued it.
In all of our conversations, he has never cited sex (or our lack there of) as a reason for his A. He has cited my dissatisfaction in our m, in him, my impatience with him, my not accepting him as all reasons. He felt that I never truly accepted him or loved him or wanted him. And it wasn't him that I didn't want, it was me. I was miserable. I was miserable human being looking to others to fill me and make me happy.
His A caused me to take stock of who I am. I'm not proud for what I have done to my M - anymore than my H is proud of what he has done. In some regards I feel as though I got what I deserved. I guess that's why I've decided to stay and work on our M.
There was some relief after his A. I was happy he wasn't gay. For a long time I thought he was - not that there's anything wrong with being gay - except of course if your married to a member of the opposite sex. I was happy that he was able to experience sex - he waited a long time for that.
But mostly I'm heart broken. I feel left out of that part of his life - I feel handicapped in this m - my hands are tied - I can't physically express my feelings for him.
And my feelings are deep. He's a very loving man. For the most part he is genuine and honest. (minus the 18 months he escaped to the arms of another) and we are trying to make our M work. It's been about 2 years since he's touched me "in that way" and I doubt very much, right now, that he ever will again. We are flirty from time to time but mostly, just good pals.
