I wish we lived in the same city; you and I could swap some tales over a few drinks and a meal or two. Our situations in terms of what we experienced during our M and during this time of separation sound so very similar.
You appear to be doing very well in recognizing your feelings and facing them as best you can. That is so very critical. These feelings hurt, and hurt bad, but I've learned to simply sit with them. Don't try to push them away. They will ebb and flow, but it's best to rest with them.
I too have felt much of what you describe. When traveling last week I felt sadness when I didn't call her to tell her I'd arrived, didn't buy her any gifts, etc. I suppose these types of things are part of the cycle--we do things without our W for the first time and it hurts, but I suppose the more we do them without them the easier it will become.
Yes, I can also relate to the fantasy of getting a postcard, or some acknowledgement from them. I have felt that, but not so much lately. Our W are off on their own journeys, and part of that is running from the past, and us. That hurts, but that's the reality of it.
I can also relate to your not liking single life. For the most part, I've used this time to grow, to learn about myself, and reinvent myself in some exciting ways. Yet there are moments when being alone is very hard on an emotional and practical level.
This feeling unattractive and low self esteem is common for people like us. It may also go back to some of your childhood issues, but having a M fall apart can do it just by itself. Susan Anderson's work on abandonment recovery reminds me that people in our shoes easily fall into one of two traps--we can rush too quickly into new relationships as a means of coping with abandonment, or distance ourselves from love as a way to protect ourselves from future hurt. The key is to avoid either of these outcomes. The new relationship validates us, but moving too quickly might lead to trouble down the road. So take your time if you find yourself with a D and looking for new love. The temptation to rush is strong; I've felt it. Remember that you are a catch too; some woman will be lucky to have YOU.
In that regard, take a look at the March issue of The Atlantic Monthly magazine. There's a thought-provoking piece in there from a woman who advises women (though I suppose it might apply to men, too) to "settle" for "Mr. Good Enough." Settling is a loaded term, but she makes the basic point about how life is better when you have a teammate to face life's challenges, someone to take care of you when you need it, someone to face the day-to-day tasks of living. Love and romance are nice, she says, but she'd gladly take someone who cares for her, who's intelligent and just a little bit curious about life. She believes that what makes for a good marriage isn't necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship.
Personally, I think it's possible to have more romance and excitement than this woman acknowledges, but that takes both partners willing to do the work to really know each other's needs and desires in life. Most couples, I believe, never do this. I didn't. However, I think she makes a good, basic point about the value in having a teammate in life. That sounds boring, but she says our culture has failed to appreciate how critical this is. We (especially women?) conjure up wildly inflated visions of what marriage is like and then are disappointed later on and rush to D.
I feel she's onto something that our W don't see now, and maybe will only see much later on. Who will be there for them when they need help? I'm talking about all kinds of help--help when they are old, help when they get sick next year, etc. Please don't think all I want out of marriage is a nurse; I'm simply saying that facing life's challenges IS better with a partner. This author has some great material where she writes about listening to women complain about their husbands but then she tells them to dump the H or "send him over here." No woman has taken her up on the offer.
One final thing--she makes the point that it's worse for women out there at middle age. Perhaps some of the WAW do want to be alone forever. If that's what my W wants, I can't stop her from living that way. Some WAW will marry again, but if this author (and conventional wisdom) are correct, middle aged men have an easier time finding love again than middle aged women. The odds are in our favor, Purr. I'm not saying it's easy, and I don't relish the idea of searching for a new partner. However, our WAW will likely have a harder time finding a new love. Available middle aged men tend to want younger women, to have children with. Women talk about the desire to avoid settling, but this author rightly notes that these women had better realize that some man, if they find him, is going to be settling for them too--settling works both ways. I read something last summer that middle aged men who have done the hard emotional work of learning about ourselves, women, and relationships are, according to one professional match-maker, the best catches of all. It's men who have never been married, or who still claim the D was all the W fault, who never learn and repeat the same mistakes again.
I'd welcome any thoughts on this from Ali, Purr, or anyone else reading. This is a minefield of an issue, but I'm curious what people really think about looking for love at midlife, given that I and others here may be doing that at some point. I don't think my W has thought about this, and I can't make her do so nor, frankly, do I want to try. She has her life and her own decisions to make about how she wants to live it.
I guess what it comes down to is that we have to face our situations as they are. You sound like there's some hope for you two yet, but you rightly are also facing the possibility that it's over. Be the best person you can be--someone wonderful will find that attractive. We are a society of isolated, lonely people who need each other more than ever. I don't want to sound arrogant in this--love is not easy to find, and it may take a long time for me to find someone special. However, if this is what our WAW want, then this is what it will be and we will find a way to move forward, one day at a time. Work on the inner self, live in the now, and the rest will come in due time.
I was at my house today for a couple of things, and it left me feeling like I'm ready to move on too. I left the house feeling very distant from my W, in a good way. Sometimes that distance hurts, but sometimes I look at what I've learned about love and relationships and realize not only how I failed her, but how she failed me. I have a clearer sense of what I need from someone; I didn't know that before. I was on auto-pilot, which is where I think most of us (especially men) are for most, if not all, of our lives. I can either live in the past about could have, should have, or I can take what I know now and apply it to where I am now. I choose the latter, though I confess to having moments where I wish for a better life with W. I keep reading about couples working through all sorts of problems and think that could be us too, but then I realize it's not healthy to live like that. She's not filed for D yet, and we don't talk. On the other hand, she's not giving me any hints of willingness to work on our problems either, and I've decided that I want a relationship with someone who is going to hang in through thick and thin, who is going to work on the relationship with me. My W doesn't appear to have that trait, at least not right now. She regularly talked about "escaping" from pain at work, and I see that same desire now. It's who she is, and I mean that in a compassionate way, but it is not who or what I need.
This turned into a long post! Take care, and keep posting.
I wish we lived in the same city; you and I could swap some tales over a few drinks and a meal or two. Our situations in terms of what we experienced during our M and during this time of separation sound so very similar.
You appear to be doing very well in recognizing your feelings and facing them as best you can. That is so very critical. These feelings hurt, and hurt bad, but I've learned to simply sit with them. Don't try to push them away. They will ebb and flow, but it's best to rest with them.
I too have felt much of what you describe. When traveling last week I felt sadness when I didn't call her to tell her I'd arrived, didn't buy her any gifts, etc. I suppose these types of things are part of the cycle--we do things without our W for the first time and it hurts, but I suppose the more we do them without them the easier it will become.
Yes, I can also relate to the fantasy of getting a postcard, or some acknowledgement from them. I have felt that, but not so much lately. Our W are off on their own journeys, and part of that is running from the past, and us. That hurts, but that's the reality of it.
I can also relate to your not liking single life. For the most part, I've used this time to grow, to learn about myself, and reinvent myself in some exciting ways. Yet there are moments when being alone is very hard on an emotional and practical level.
This feeling unattractive and low self esteem is common for people like us. It may also go back to some of your childhood issues, but having a M fall apart can do it just by itself. Susan Anderson's work on abandonment recovery reminds me that people in our shoes easily fall into one of two traps--we can rush too quickly into new relationships as a means of coping with abandonment, or distance ourselves from love as a way to protect ourselves from future hurt. The key is to avoid either of these outcomes. The new relationship validates us, but moving too quickly might lead to trouble down the road. So take your time if you find yourself with a D and looking for new love. The temptation to rush is strong; I've felt it. Remember that you are a catch too; some woman will be lucky to have YOU.
In that regard, take a look at the March issue of The Atlantic Monthly magazine. There's a thought-provoking piece in there from a woman who advises women (though I suppose it might apply to men, too) to "settle" for "Mr. Good Enough." Settling is a loaded term, but she makes the basic point about how life is better when you have a teammate to face life's challenges, someone to take care of you when you need it, someone to face the day-to-day tasks of living. Love and romance are nice, she says, but she'd gladly take someone who cares for her, who's intelligent and just a little bit curious about life. She believes that what makes for a good marriage isn't necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship.
Personally, I think it's possible to have more romance and excitement than this woman acknowledges, but that takes both partners willing to do the work to really know each other's needs and desires in life. Most couples, I believe, never do this. I didn't. However, I think she makes a good, basic point about the value in having a teammate in life. That sounds boring, but she says our culture has failed to appreciate how critical this is. We (especially women?) conjure up wildly inflated visions of what marriage is like and then are disappointed later on and rush to D.
I feel she's onto something that our W don't see now, and maybe will only see much later on. Who will be there for them when they need help? I'm talking about all kinds of help--help when they are old, help when they get sick next year, etc. Please don't think all I want out of marriage is a nurse; I'm simply saying that facing life's challenges IS better with a partner. This author has some great material where she writes about listening to women complain about their husbands but then she tells them to dump the H or "send him over here." No woman has taken her up on the offer.
One final thing--she makes the point that it's worse for women out there at middle age. Perhaps some of the WAW do want to be alone forever. If that's what my W wants, I can't stop her from living that way. Some WAW will marry again, but if this author (and conventional wisdom) are correct, middle aged men have an easier time finding love again than middle aged women. The odds are in our favor, Purr. I'm not saying it's easy, and I don't relish the idea of searching for a new partner. However, our WAW will likely have a harder time finding a new love. Available middle aged men tend to want younger women, to have children with. Women talk about the desire to avoid settling, but this author rightly notes that these women had better realize that some man, if they find him, is going to be settling for them too--settling works both ways. I read something last summer that middle aged men who have done the hard emotional work of learning about ourselves, women, and relationships are, according to one professional match-maker, the best catches of all. It's men who have never been married, or who still claim the D was all the W fault, who never learn and repeat the same mistakes again.
I'd welcome any thoughts on this from Ali, Purr, or anyone else reading. This is a minefield of an issue, but I'm curious what people really think about looking for love at midlife, given that I and others here may be doing that at some point. I don't think my W has thought about this, and I can't make her do so nor, frankly, do I want to try. She has her life and her own decisions to make about how she wants to live it.
I guess what it comes down to is that we have to face our situations as they are. You sound like there's some hope for you two yet, but you rightly are also facing the possibility that it's over. Be the best person you can be--someone wonderful will find that attractive. We are a society of isolated, lonely people who need each other more than ever. I don't want to sound arrogant in this--love is not easy to find, and it may take a long time for me to find someone special. However, if this is what our WAW want, then this is what it will be and we will find a way to move forward, one day at a time. Work on the inner self, live in the now, and the rest will come in due time.
I was at my house today for a couple of things, and it left me feeling like I'm ready to move on too. I left the house feeling very distant from my W, in a good way. Sometimes that distance hurts, but sometimes I look at what I've learned about love and relationships and realize not only how I failed her, but how she failed me. I have a clearer sense of what I need from someone; I didn't know that before. I was on auto-pilot, which is where I think most of us (especially men) are for most, if not all, of our lives. I can either live in the past about could have, should have, or I can take what I know now and apply it to where I am now. I choose the latter, though I confess to having moments where I wish for a better life with W. I keep reading about couples working through all sorts of problems and think that could be us too, but then I realize it's not healthy to live like that. She's not filed for D yet, and we don't talk. On the other hand, she's not giving me any hints of willingness to work on our problems either, and I've decided that I want a relationship with someone who is going to hang in through thick and thin, who is going to work on the relationship with me. My W doesn't appear to have that trait, at least not right now. She regularly talked about "escaping" from pain at work, and I see that same desire now. It's who she is, and I mean that in a compassionate way, but it is not who or what I need.
This turned into a long post! Take care, and keep posting.
