I just don't see her ever coming out of this bitter, angry stage regardless of what I do.[/quote] So maybe now is the time to stop worrying about it. Be the kind of person you want to be, whether it pleases her or not.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
I'm almost guaranteed to get a nasty response back from her about how I'm the cause of all our debt and I'm being unfair, but I'm not going to sit back and take the fall for everything and I'm definitely not going to just agree to pay her money w/out collecting what I'm owed as well.
Just smile and wave...and copy everything to your lawyer.
[/quote] This sucks. I hate it, but I have to be the warrior in this thing and hold true and firm w/ what I know is right. She expects to get out of this thing w/out any obligations or financial hits. I'm not trying to ruin her, but I'm also not going to give away money and property either.[/quote] Follow your lawyer's advice. Either she has no idea how the D process works, or she is just trying to badger you into making consessions that you don't have to make.
As for your daughters party--you go and act as if. You are her father and the better man. You go for your kid and buy her whatever the he!! you want as a gift.
RTL, I completely understand where you are coming from. For our son's b-day I had a guy she was dating come to the party. This was before I even knew they were an item but it still hurt me. He even came to her Christmas Eve dinner as well. I am afraid to say that decency and our STBX's will not collide in the same sentences for quite some time.
As for the debt and assets, stand strong. I too felt as if I would just walk away and leave things but what is the point to that? You have to fight for yourself and think about your future as well. I too am having to fight for everything, even time with our S. It is not fair and it is even tougher to remain decent through all of this.
As for the depression, find a support group, talk to a counselor, confide in a friend, it will be something that will help you through this. My STBX hated the fact that I spoke about my problems to people she knew but it no longer was about her, it was about my problems. Also, get out and be around people. even if it is dinner by yourself or even a dinner date with your D. It is somewhat refreshing to just get out of the same old routine. It has helped me and even allowed me to make some connections with other people.
Do this on your terms, you are the only one that can change you. Do it for you though as well as your daughter and then it will be even more rewarding in the long run.
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
RTl, My .02. Why does your W thinks she has the right to tell you what to buy your D, or make rules for you? Maybe you should finally allow her to see what divorce means. She will not have any say over what you do or how you "parent". She is able to do this now because she knows you want her back. I think it is horrible for your D to have to be with both you and OW at the same event. Your W is only thinking of herself. I think maybe it is time for you to show her what it will be like when the D is final. You should not care about her opinion or discuss anything with her, just live your life as you see fit. By getting a D your W needs to see she gives up all rights to make rules for you. Also, unless you have extremely valuable things , getting stuff appraised is absurd. Someone needs to point out to her she is spending more money fighting than she will ever get. At this point her L probably has dollar signs in his eyes when she calls. I would think unless you are very wealthy, that at this point her L would be advising her to be reasonable and just settle.
If it were me....I would say to the wife that I hope the OM doesn't show up, because I wouldn't be able to control myself from shoving the cake down his throat. And if she threatens to not allow me at the B-day party of my daughter, I would inform the daughter that mommy would'nt let me come to the party because she wanted OM to be her new daddy!!! She wouldn't like the threat but would be forced to not have the OM attend. But thats just me!!!
The fact that you are addressing that you are feeling down in the dumps and could be depressed is a good thing. I'm glad you are planning on keeping yourself busier to try to avoid slipping any further.. but you may also want to speak to your doctor if you find your still feeling this way in a couple of weeks. Your wife, and her vile mouth, would cause anyone to slip into depression I think.
On a happier note, I SOOO wish you would have been able to see the look on her face when you mentioned her owing you money.. I'd bet her head nearly popped off!! You might want to mention how much it cost to do all that photocopying and that she's responsible for half of that as well.. She's not used to you really standing up for yourself.
She is in for a rude awakening when/if D happens.
You are a good man.. and you get your daughter whatever you please. Your W has absolutely NO SAY on what you buy your little girl!
(((RTL))) W2G
PS.. I know it's horrible to actually say out loud (or post out loud) but I hope she failed those tests SOOOOOO badly. The way she's acting right now she is only hurting your daughter.. it would be best if she had very limited time with your daughter until she becomes sane!
You are both right - the focus is on me, not on her. I'm still having trouble not taking things too personally. I guess it is natural, but I also am hearing it will get better.
I am definitely going to fight for my financial situation and not give in to her easily. She's really ticked, but oh, well. I can't control that. However I can control being taken for a ride.
Kalni dear - I'm glad I have you out there thinking about me. Thanks for your love and support.
I'd love to do it too, but unfortunately it will end up being counter-productive and harmful for my divorce process. I also can't do anything to put my little D in the middle of my issues w/ W. She doesn't deserve me bad-mouthing her mother or kicking the crap out of the OM (which would be difficult as he's a huge, buff Army guy).
I have to remain confident this painfully slow court system will get it right and my D will eventually see who I really am and not the person her mother paints me out to be.
RTL PS - It is ok to fantasize about beating the tar out of the OM, isn't it?
I'm not sure really what in the world my W is thinking. She's off her rocker to be sure.
Well, I'll address some of your questions in my update as I was definitely spot on in predicting the angry come back from W. I've got to put up her reply b/c it is just too much to paraphrase correctly:
Quote:
Let's get one thing clear. From the moment this divorce began it has been you who has been obsessed with splitting things equally -- fairly -- and exactly 50%. I have offered on numerous occasions to make this divorce amicable and with limited attorney involvement. You have repeatedly spurned those offers, going so far as to tell me that you are happy to use this as an opportunity to bankrupt me. DO NOT turn around now and put this on me. My statement on 50% in that e-mail is based on your obsession with it since Feb. 4. If you are NOW willing to simply divide the possessions of the house -- in a fashion in which we both agree, as I have been wanting to do from the beginning -- that is fine.
Ok? Whatever. After a rant about how by her calculations I've stolen about $40K from us that she can't account for, how I forced her to find a place on her own and denied my D books, toys, and movies, and how I've "changed my tune" about giving her copies of the legal documents, she ended w/ this:
Quote:
In summation, I am no longer subject to your wildly vacillating rages. I have offered repeatedly to proceed in a respectful fashion limiting the need for lawyers. You have repeatedly rejected my offers. If you now wish to accept my offer, I remain open to that...as long as you can be consistent and fair....P.S. If finances are up for discussion, then are you willing to talk about custody as well?
Ok, who is raging here? Who vacilates? Who has been on the even keel w/ offers? Who is she kidding about me "negotiating custody" w/ my D? If she wants to go 50/50, then we can talk, otherwise, there's nothing to discuss.
We are both educators, so we can't afford to have an appraiser, but she is the one who has been haggling me to death. I did reply by simply saying:
Quote:
I have been in favor of splitting things w/out the lawyers from the house. However, since you brought up the topic of compensation in your e-mail post script, I asked if you would like to have the items appraised if you think you are to be owed financial compensation for our splitting of the household possessions. If you feel we can split them up w/out haggling over financial compensation for one party or another, then I'm completely open to doing that. If not, I will need to get the items appraised prior to you having the movers come and take them on the 19th. Concerning the financial documents, according to my lawyer, I am obligated to give them the copies of our financial documents because they were ordered up by your attorney. I have spent $500 of my money to make duplicate copies for both of our attorneys. I told you I would get them to you as soon as I can and I am doing just that. The divorce requires them to go through our attorney's hands as we have been issued legally-bound, court approved requests for the information.
She responded much calmer to this one and said "I am glad to hear that you are willing to do this reasonably." Like I've been so incredibly unreasonable. I told her in a response I would need to have a written reply from her saying she will not be looking for financial compensation for these items in the future and let her know if she can do that for me, then the movers can come as she has them scheduled (but I will be in the house when they arrive).
She also sent me an e-mail from another realtor about selling the house and I replied cheerfully about the comps this realtor gave her. I'm going to call the realtor and set up another appointment and get her opinion on things as well.
It should be interesting to see how she reacts to my asking for her to sign off on these items w/out the possibility of future compensation. If she does, I'll keep the e-mail - like I do w/ all of them - but if not, then the L's will have to handle it, unfortunately.
As usual, I love the feedback and support and I'll keep you posted.
Hey, thanks for the support and the thoughts. I know she's really steamed about me talking about her owing me money. She is in for a reality check very soon b/c she may end up owing me more and more money as this drags on.
Right now she is clinging to some crazy idea that I've "stolen" close to $40K from our joint accounts over the past 5 years or so. If I have, I'd love to have access to that cash so I can pay off my legal bills and credit cards.
I hate to say it as well, but I'm hoping the tests don't work out too well for her either. I'm also hoping she comes across as the selfish narcissist she's become as that won't be good for my D.
Ok, your comments about my D being in the middle of this bring up another story I haven't shared yet, but it really does concern me. I'm definitely going to run this by the parenting evaluator as I think it is pretty serious stuff. He may not, but I sure do.
Anyway, here is the background. Let's say OM's name is "Jim". "Jim's" office is in another hallway from my W's office. "Jim" is a former Army guy who has little Army men in his office. When "Jim" was sleeping w/ the 22-year-old student, she painted all his Army men pink.
"Dave" has an office right across the hall from my W. "Dave" and W have ZERO sexual chemistry, but they get along well. "Dave" has comic books all around his office and is NOTHING close to a former Army soldier.
Here is the story: D said to me last weekend that "Dave" came over the other night, that "Dave" lives in the same complex as they do, that "Dave" is over a lot and they also go to "Dave's" apartment at times. Now this concerned me a bit, but I didn't pry.
However, D later said "Daddy, guess what? "Dave" has Army men in his office." I was now stunned and asked, "Are they pink Army men?" D replied, "Pink and Purple."
So, I asked D, "Do you mean the Army men are in "Jim's" office, not "Dave's" office?"
D's answer is what is really troubling me. She said, "Jim" is "Dave", but I just call him "Dave."
Now I'm beginning to fear that W is involving D in covering up her affair w/ OM "Jim." I don't have to like D having an affair w/ OM "Jim", but if she is going to enlist my D in lying to cover it up, that is severely wrong in my book and I hope the parenting evaluator believes the same thing too.
I can't believe I haven't shared that one yet. It is a very troubling thing for me to think about how and what my W is doing to negatively impact my D.
I can only keep praying that I'll end up on the right side of the ledger when all is said and done and the damage to my D will be as minimal as possible.
