I found myself coming to this post because even though we are piecing our marriage back together and he is home and says he loves ME and this is where he wants to be,I find myself very insecure in some areas. FIrst-he said he couldn't talk to me before-he felt like his opinion did not count and that he could talk to this OW about anything. They had been friends for yrs-not seeing each other often but then after several yrs of me in depression,shutting down emotionally and physically he turned to her-just as friends at first then it escalated into an affair at some point. A 2 yr affair. That is hard to deal with. I had asked him a couple of times if he was having an affair and he denied it saying he would never have the time or energy. Then we separated for 6 months, during which we saw each other regularly and were intimant often. I did not find out about the affair until he finally agreed to go to therapy with me-3rd session it came out-I had to ask him point blank because he was dancing all around the answer. Typical respone-I blew up-called him every name in the book-HOw could you have been with both of us and lied all this time to everyone! Ended up walking out-he called me on my cell phone crying, saying he was so sorry-he never meant to hurt me-he felt awful, and that he was going to break it off. I go to FLorida on vacation with son. HE shows up for sons 16th birthday party-surprise! We are together in FLorida and ever since. He broke it off with OW saying he felt bad for how he hurt everyone. That was hard to take-that he felt bad for hurting her too. I told him she knew what could happen when she got involved with a married man. He told therapist he had figured out she was not what he wanted before he and I got back together-it took him over 2 yrs to do that?? IT tells me he was using her-she made him feel good about himself because he did not do that on his own and for the sex I think once that got started. When we had it our sex life was good-I suffereed from depression and ironically had made an appt. with a psychiatrist rigth before he left. The anti-depressants I had been on had shut me down sexually. What I'm on now has no such effect and we are intimant almost every night. I'm wondering if any of you have ever experienced this-they break off the affair-you are back together and you find sexually he has picked up some new techniques. Now he is very verbal-tells me what he wants-askes me what I want-asks me is this or that feels good. Now I know this is something he has done with her. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand-I like the verbal stuff-before we were silent for the most part, on the other hand I'm thinking what else did they do? Was it better with her? (I can't imagine!) I too have the images of them together-that is hard stuff. ALl I know is I just came out of the worst yr of my life-BOth of us are smoking where niether of us did before. We don't smoke in front of our son or our friends or family. I know why I started-nervous energy, and the fear that I can't trust him completely yet. I'm just not there even though I do beleive it is over. I'm not sure why he started. Anyway I'm trying not to beat myself up over it and I know I'll quit-I hate smoking-I hate him smoking! The hardest thing is needing that reassurance from him that he is here because he WANTS to be not because he feels its the right thing to do. That, and the need to know there has been no contact. We discussed in therapy and agreed if she contacted him he would tell me. My comment was when you see on your cell phone that its her don't answer. He says he does not think she will contact him. I'm not as sure. She is 5 yrs older that me-plain as can be and has been divorced twice and has 3 kids, a mother and a grandchild all living with her! No wonder she wanted him so badly! He was nuts for ever getting himself into that situation and admits it. He tells me he loves ME and that I have his heart. He said in therapy she would ask him if he loved me and he would say yes. I ask him if he loved her and he said as a friend and someone who cared about him. How much can you beleive? He has said no more lies no more cheating-ever. Still....I don't trust it yet but I have to act as if I do most of the time. HE is understanding when I ask him if he has had contact with her, and other questions. I could use some tips on what to do when I'm feeling EXTREMELY insecure because I have done the wrong things- like get an attitude when he tells me has a late appt. He has gone out of his way to call me and let me know what he's doing and where he will be. How long does it take for the trust to start to come back and what do you do in the meantime?? FUnny how you think when they come home all will be well-it takes alot of hard discipline and work to get through an affair. You have to forgive them. I too wanted ALL the detail at first. HE was smart enough not to answer the questions that would have done nothing but hurt me-like the sexual stuff. HE sais he would answer anything I wanted to know-but in therapy where it would not escalate into a huge fight and could be processed better. I hae chosen so far not to ask the sexual questions. THe more I Think about it the more I think I don't want to waste my time thinking about HER at all, and that I need to use my energy for positive things-like just loving him where he did not feel loved before because I was so shut down from depression. I wonder...will our lives ever feel normal again? Will there be a day when I'm not wondering if she's called him, or he wants to call her? Will there be a day that the affair never enters my mind?? IT's one long road, but one worth the effort. Through it all we never lost the love-it was just buried under yrs of hurt,depression,and anger at what we had become. I'm glad now HE's home butr afaid I'll blow it in so many ways, and sabotage the very thing I want the most-happiness for both of us. RACHEL M.
oh rachel you sound so sad. I am sorry any of us have to go thru this stuff. I read your story and think at least you H tells you he loves you and wants to be with you. My H isnt sure. He says he loved the OW (co-worker who he confided in and told all of this deep dark secrets too) and didnt have the same feelings for me (he figured this out after 24 years of marriage). Even though he is home and going to C ( we do not go to joint counseling, he isnt ready for that yet)because at the very least he has determined his cheating was because he was unhappy with himself, he will not commit to our relationship, he still isnt sure, never says ILY and we are defintley not having sex. He isnt feeling those kinds of feelings for me at this time. We had difficulty before he left, because he was never honest with his feelings. I could only pray he could be more verbal and tell me what he wants, because even after 24 years I dont know i guess. He had no problem with her. Loved to hold her and sex was natural and easy. He says she physically excited him and I do not because I am overweight. He says sex is very visual for him. I too am afraid that if his technique has changed it will upset me because he learned it from her. My H also has alot of guilt regarding OW. He feels bad for her, because he lied and made her believe she was the one for him and she let him into her life and then he left her to return to his family. She acts as if she were the wife. I too try and let my H know that one some level, she knew what she was getting into having an A with a married man and she needs to accept the consequences. OW is divorced and has gone thru the OW thing herself so I do not feel anything at all as far as her feelings are concerned. She is reaping what she sowed. He seems to feel worse for her than for me. I too am very concerned he came home for the wrong reasons. I guess we need to take each day as it comes, work on ourselves and make ourselves happy. If our H's chose to be part of our lives, that is great!!! But if they dont, we move on. Each decision is individual and not to be taken lightly. Good luck.
I posted our getting back together on "piecing" but I can identify with the images and emotions you have to deal with when he breaks it off with the OW and comes home. He has been home over a month now-we started therapy about a month before that. We had been separated 6 months and it was in our 2nd session that the affair came out. I was out of my mind with anger and hurt. He had said we would be faithful while we were separated. Then I had to hear it had been going on for 2 1/2 yrs!! We had grown so far apart and I had asked him a couple of times if he was having an affair-you know-the gut feeling you get. He denied it-said "when would I have the time or energy for an affair"? We had been married for almost 29 yrs-since I was 17 and he was 18. I could not and would not beleive he could be cheating so I chose to believe him. The distance grew and one night after a big fight he left. That was the beginning of the 6 month separation. Those of you who read my postings during that time know how desparate I was. Panic attacks-depression,I almost ended up in the stress center if not for trying to be strong for our son who was 15 at the time and staying with me. It was pure hell. We saw each other-we were even intimant on a regular basis.He really did not say I love you very much during the separation,but could not resist me physically-he never has been able to. He called me after we left the therapist's crying and telling me how sorry he was, aad I asked him how he lived with himself all this time. He said it had not been easy. He promised then and there to break it off with her and he has. He has promised to tell me of any contact-there have been 2 times-once she called him to see how he was doing-he told her ok and that they should not talk-then another time she called him to see what she should do with the electric saw he had left at her house. He went and got it-he said he was going to leave it there but that she may keep calling him about it.I have had to deal with the mental images-it's a tough thing to get past. I have just told myself that she is not worth the thoughts and that works for the most part. She is 5 yrs older than him-very plain looking and kind of dumpy. That helped because I knew he would always be more physically attracted to me. I am tall and have a great body (I've worked hard at it the last months so I don't feel bad about saying it.)Here's the thing though. Since he's been back we have had great sex almost every night, but he has gotten verbal during it-like telling me what he wants me to do and asks me what I want him to do and asks me if this or that feels good. I know he picked this up from her. He was never like that before. I'm thinking this is something he likes to do and the only thing that bothers me about it is I know its how he was with her. I like being verbal-I was just never brave enough before and now that he takes the initiative, it's nice. I've thought several times about what else she may have taught him but so far he has not done anything else except he likes some kind of light on or candles-He wants to be able to see me I guess. At first I wanted to know everything they had done sexually but he would not discuss it at home-he said he would answer any and all of my quesstions with the therapist so it would not get out of control-I never have asked for details. I figure why have even more vivid images? I know I am satisfying him and he has chosen me over her. HE told the therapist he knew he did not want to be with her on a permanant basis before I ever found out about them, but his fear of coming home was that It would go back to being the way it was before he left. No connection. Emotionally vacant. I was in depression most of the time. Ironically, I had made an appt. with a psychiatrist just before he left and since he has me on wellbutrin and another rather new antidepressant called Remeron that does not shut you down sexually like the others had. I had rejected him sexually for a long time and then when the walls went up between us emotionally he started talking to her about his problems and the rest as they say is history. I bleieve he was using her to get his needs met-that he never really loved her-he tells me he loved her as a friend-someone he could talk to about anything when he felt he could not talk to me at all. HE takes full responsibility and feels terrible about what he done and all the people he's hurt-mostly me. IT's been rough. Its not a piece of cake when they come home. I have alot of insecurities that I could use some help with from you that have been through this-how do you deal with the mistrust that creeps in and you wonder where he is -if he's with her, is he calling her and talking to her and lying to me saying he has had no ccontact since he went and got his saw. We made a pact in therapy that he would tell me if and when she contacts him. HE says he does not think she will-he made it clear it was over-still how do I know??? THis was a 2 1/2 yr affair although he was not with her that much-he was home every night-I don't know when they found the time to be together but they did-I think it was more talking on the phone until he moved out. Even then everytime I would stop by he would be at home and he spent alot of time with our kids on the weekends. ITs obvious she had to take what she could get. Another bad thing that came from this is we both started smoking about a couple months ago!! In our 40's and starting to smoke! How dumb is that?? I do it because I have so much anxiety. I think he does it because he has to live with the guilt and pain he has caused and it may be a way of punishing himself-who knows? I just know I hate it and I want us both to quit, but its hard for me to when he still does. We don't smoke in front of our friends or kids (except our daughter who knows). I don't want my son to think this is how you cope or have him start because he knows we do. That's just one issue. I go crazy at work sometimes imagining he is with her. He goes out of his way to call me and let me know where he is and when he'll be late. It just takes time I guess-In the meantime how do you stop from acting out what your feeling because it would just serve to push him away-I need help on this-it's still so new and raw. Infedelity really sucks and has got to be the most destructive thing a marriage can go through. Any thoughts on how to deal with the anxiety and fears I still face each day? Rachel M.
