Hey Fish, don't let the journey end here. Only you know when the time to divorce is right for you, but you have to keep trying to right your relationship with your daughter's Mom. I recommend you visit whileweheal.org, it's all about protecting your children and putting them first in the face of conflict. If you're serious that you can make this work for your daughter then you have to make sure to put her first and not your ego, not your anger towards your wife, no matter how justified you feel that anger is. Again, this isn't about you right now, it's about your daughter.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
There's a really good book out about children and divorce, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study by Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee. I encourage everyone to read it. It will help you out in being a great parent no matter how your situation ends.
Fish, for you my friend, all I have to say is "Go in Peace". If this is the path you've have decided is right, take the path and be at peace with your decision. Let go of the anger, bitterness, etc and walk the path with peace in your heart. This way you will heal your heart and best help your children know their hearts can be healed too.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I've not posted yet, but have followed your situation. I know you're hurting and my heart goes out to you. I understand you reached your tipping point and you do not wish to work on your marriage. I understand your desire to divorce. I have given myself a fairly short window of time to see if my marriage can be turned around (no children involved, thankfully).
The only reason I'm replying to your thread: I think you need to slow down with the new relationship. You need to heal yourself before you can invest in love. Just be careful. Put this new "thing" on ice for a few months. Be alone. You've changed and you need time to get to know the new you. It's not fair to you or your new interest to jump in so quickly.
Take care, girlfromimpanema
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
fish, you write "who needs the bullsh*t"...Uh, nobody NEEDS it nor does anyone want it! But WTH did you think you were going to get while trying to save your M? Are you friggin serious? No S ever says "Wow, he's trying so hard to save this, I better cut the bullsh*t!" We ALL warned you about the rollercoaster and that is because DBing is just that. Did you think we were just funin' with ya? YOU went home, you made the choice to jump in with both feet, nobody else. You could have said "hey, I think we should take it slow here" but you didn't. Fair enough and I'm sure many of us would have done the same but now it's time to man up and cut the "poor me, I was treated so badly" crap and look at how this fiasco of a reconciliation went off the rollercoaster track. I'm guessing that you two reconciled too fast and too soon, a little work on the issues before getting back together may have done the trick, who knows. But, instead your analysis is "I have come to the realization that my W is no longer for me", a truly amazing conclusion to come to in the midst of all this bedlam, but apparently you're never mixed up, you always have an absolute conclusion reached whether it's the M is busted or it's finished! Amazing. Again, if you can't hack it then fair enough, I jumped ship after 5 years but I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and say "nobody could have done more" in fact, my W said "nobody could have tried harder than you to save this M" Will your W and child be able to say the same about you? Take a break, pull your head out of your ass and make some rational, thought out choices. What more can I say? Ya know, I'm coming to the conclusion that the fish's thread is no longer for me! Wow, it feels so good not to be mixed up about it! The fish may be onto something here.
fish, you write "who needs the bullsh*t"...Uh, nobody NEEDS it nor does anyone want it! But WTH did you think you were going to get while trying to save your M? Are you friggin serious? No S ever says "Wow, he's trying so hard to save this, I better cut the bullsh*t!" We ALL warned you about the rollercoaster and that is because DBing is just that. Did you think we were just funin' with ya? YOU went home, you made the choice to jump in with both feet, nobody else. You could have said "hey, I think we should take it slow here" but you didn't. Fair enough and I'm sure many of us would have done the same but now it's time to man up and cut the "poor me, I was treated so badly" crap and look at how this fiasco of a reconciliation went off the rollercoaster track. I'm guessing that you two reconciled too fast and too soon, a little work on the issues before getting back together may have done the trick, who knows. But, instead your analysis is "I have come to the realization that my W is no longer for me", a truly amazing conclusion to come to in the midst of all this bedlam, but apparently you're never mixed up, you always have an absolute conclusion reached whether it's the M is busted or it's finished! Amazing. Again, if you can't hack it then fair enough, I jumped ship after 5 years but I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and say "nobody could have done more" in fact, my W said "nobody could have tried harder than you to save this M" Will your W and child be able to say the same about you? Take a break, pull your head out of your ass and make some rational, thought out choices. What more can I say? Ya know, I'm coming to the conclusion that the fish's thread is no longer for me! Wow, it feels so good not to be mixed up about it! The fish may be onto something here.
Your feelings will lie to you. Our brains are cave man's brains which will take the most 'efficient' path...the path of least resistance.
This isn't a judgment against you.....but its hard for other folks here who have given it (DB ing) TRULY a long time.... years.... to feel you have really done what needs to be done to save a marriage.
Do you have the RIGHT....to move on....well, maybe. Certainly legally.
Fish....I walked away from my marriage pre-DB. That was 1994. (I came here 2 relationships later). It was 'justified'. He was abusive. Not beating me up, but physically, emotionally, and in other ways. Very demeaning. I had two small children.
Do you think you've found someone with whom you have found eternal happiness? I can tell you, that you are pretty likely to find yourself DB ing that relationship. Or her DB ing you. Or just giving up. Why? Because we carry our ingrained patterns of behavior with us.
I am not sorry I am away from my exH. And yet.....I wish I had the skills way back when....because as 'justified' as my divorce was.....my children have suffered trememdously. And it has been 14 years.
My children have grown up without a father. He is 'in' their lives, but not in their lives.
They ache for that family unit.
And that is the legacy for children.
No matter what they philosophize about their parents' marriages, what they long for is the wholeness of their family....the stability....the hope of their parents making it.
Unfortunately, not matter if the children like your (and your wife's) other partner(s).....all these other partners do is shatter their dreams.
My plea is for you to give it one more try.....of DBing...... with a few suggestions maybe (or maybe not). And to truly wait on another relationship until the fat lady sings.
I wish I had. Not for him. For my kids. It's why I'm here.
Last edited by sgctxok; 04/02/0802:24 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
fish, one last tale to share with you. My little girl came to me yesterday and told me she had a school project to do, she had to draw a picture of her home. She asked me which home she should draw, mine or mom's and I said "whichever you like", so she said she would draw mom's place because it had more rooms to draw. Tonight she came and showed me the finished product, inside of mom's house she had drawn a picture of mom and dad standing together side by side. She said that she just wanted me to be in the picture too. One day fish, your little girl will come to you with such a picture and your heart will break. Please do everything you can to prevent that day from ever happening. I know it's hard to see beyond the pain and the heartache right now but you have to, it's for your child and nothing else matters more in this world or ever will. I'll let you be now.
