had a minor setback. Things have been going really well with H. I was just starting to feel like OW was out of the picture for good.
Then, a few weeks ago, i was standing in the kitchen. I heard a TM come in. Of course, I had to check. It was OW! I haven't seen a TM from her in about 6 months. It said, "Are you never going to speak to me again?". When will she just let him go and stop trying to pull him away?
I showed it to H, and proceeded to walk away. He pulled me into him and said, "the asnwer to that text is 'yes, that's right'. I am never going to do that again." He went on to reassure me. But i have been having trouble letting it go. I am afraid - and I told him this - that as soon as we hit a bump in the road, she's there trying to pull him away. He keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry about.
So, I guess I just need to work on me ... on my thoughts.
On another note, I've been seeing my C regularly recently. I am really trying to dig in and deal with my anxiety issues that I've had my whole life. It's been hard, but I feel I'm making progress.
Anyway, just wanted to check in.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Yay! It's so good to hear from you Peaceful--I've missed you too. I love the way your H has responded to the OW text. I understand completely how that can trigger anxiety, and I'm glad for you that you've been doing concrete things to work on it.
PS, You keep growing and getting stronger--like a tree. I enjoy reading your advice to others--straightforward, affirming, validating, helping people to ground themselves.
Your advice to others helps me stay grounded. I look forward to reading and hearing your voice on this forum.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Ladies and Gentleman, Thanks for your comments! CL, I'm glad that my posts give you food for thought. I've done so much learning and growing over the past two years. But I have so much more learining and growing.
Things with H have been feeling healthy lately. We've been communicating great. We've been resolving issues adn moving on. But, I still have my guard up. I still want to know that I will be okay if it happens again. I want to know that I can rely on me. So, it's hard for me to put my faith in my M for fear of being in a vulnerable emotional position. But, part of the rebuilding process requires putting faith in my M -- in H. This is waht makes piecing so hard.
Anyway, I remain grounded in knowing that i am working on me every day. I can only control me and my own thoughts and actions. I am finding my faith. I am looking to my faith.
So, at the end of the day, for me it's about doing whatever I can to keep my M healthy, while at the same time maintaining my own sense of self and confidence and strentgh.
H is away tonight. I like the space. It's good for us.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
BTW... Always_14, what the heck are you up to these days? Haven't seen a thread lately... but then again, everybody's spread out everywhere. I don't know where anybody posts anymore (if at all).
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Haven't posted in a while. Everytime I started, I felt like I didn't have much to report. But now, I feel that I am struggling.
I have been trying to work on my anxiety and pinic issues with my C over the past few months. I tend to have panic attacks and I've been working so hard to not have them anymore. I go to therapy, I journal, I give myself positve self talk, I set goals for myself. Yet, I feel like i'm not making that much progress. And anyone who has ever dealt with this knows that panic breeds panic. And when you start worrying about having anther panic attack, a panic attack is sure to follow. Panic over having a panic attack. Talk about the chicken and the egg.
Anyway, I've been trying to let my H in a bit more. He knows I've always struggled with this, so it's not news to him. But when he left me two years ago, my panic stuff went out the window becuase i had bigger things to worry about -- my marriage and my family. I became strong and learned how to survive without "needing" him. I didn't have the urge to panic while I was going throug that.
THen last summer I had a few panic attacks (I thought something was wrong with me medically, which is prompted the panic attack). So, that opened back up the flood gates for me. I wated a few months, then decided to go to therapy to once and for all deal with this issue.
So, now that I'm bringing it all to the forefront, and trying SO hard to conquor this issue, I feel like in some ways I'm getting worse. I'm having more frequent bouts of panic, then I get mad at myself for not doing better, then I get down on myslef... then I try VERY HARD to talk myself out of the funk. Ususally, I can do it. I should also note that for some stupid reason, I stopped taking my Lexapro a few weeks ago because I thought I could handle my own emotions now. That seems to be backfiring, as I've been very weekpy and emotional.
Anyway, I've slowly started letting h in. But I feel like he doesn't understand what I'm going through. Two years ago when he left me, one of the reasons he gave (before I found out about the A) was my anxiety. So, I reminded him of that and said that I'm scared to let him in. He is trying - sort of. He just doesn't get it. Everything is black and white with him. He thinks there's a simple solution, like... just don't panic.
I've been really dissapointed with how he's been supporting me (or lack thereof). I feel like my emotional crisis is too much for him to deal with. And I told him this. Of course, he said that wss not true, but I am afraid of the negative impact of my personal journey - and the struggles that come with it - on our M. I asked him last night if he would support me through this, and he said yes. But I could tell he was not as affectionate last night.
So, now i feel like I should stop or minimize "letting him in" and try to deal with my struggles without letting him know how much I am struggling. Put on a happy face.
That said, he is coming with me to my C on Monday so she can explain to him what I'm going through.
I am just afraid of how my struggles are going to impact all the good work H and I have done to be happy and close again.
Any words of advice?
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
