A new chapter - do I belong here?

[MuddleThrough]

Your answer is to do both...work on what you have control over that can possibly have a positive impact on the M, while allowing W to grow too. You're absolutely right to continue working on you and to work up some limits and goals--expectations can still be killer, but hopefully it's time for some real steps toward putting this all together into a happy, healthy M.

Thanks for your welcome. It's so simple, but yeah, that's the answer. Work on what's in my control and give W plenty of room to grow.

Yesterday we had our first fight since contemplating reconciliation. We went grocery shopping. W has some issues with social anxiety and tends to get stressed out in such situations. Her fuse with me (and our son) is quite short in such situations. Well, she got frustrated and took it out on me in the store a bit. I felt crushed and trampled on as a result. A brief description of the initial trigger: we walked into the store (fresh produce section), W asked what kind of fruit I wanted. I said bananas. W got visibly annoyed. She said she assumed bananas, but what kind of fruit did I want. I then responded that I wasn't sure, what would she like.

There're a bunch of long standing issues tied into this, and they continued till we got home. We were unpacking the groceries and S was helping me at the table. He started to pick something up and I told him to wait for a second because mommy has a system. She reacted by saying that in 7 years I don't know the system, I don't respect her system, I don't ever listen to her, etc. I got upset, and had had enough. I went to the bedroom and closed the door for a bit. I told her I needed a minute (she was angry at that point that I was leaving everything to her).

I came out in literally a minute and apologized. I told her how I felt as a result of the trip to the store and that I respect her systems in general. She expressed frustration that I think of them as her systems, not OUR systems. I responded that I understood and expressed my desire to establish "our" systems. We have several already, but I think it's important to have a sense of pride in our family identity, and that comes from such things. I think she has a sense of being criticized and judged as inadequate, not smart, etc., when I don't incorporate her systems into my day to day.

Anyway, we talked more and seemed to make a bit of progress. We each listened and understood each other. While eating dinner I asked the question: what could we each have done to improve what happened in the store? We discussed things that would have helped, and also went through the whole banana ordeal to understand what each other was trying to communicate and where the breakdown occurred. Basically, she assumed bananas since we always get them and thought "Fruit" meant something else. I was thinking bananas were fruit and when it became clear to me that she wasn't looking at things this way I had to shift gears to consider what other kind of fruit to get, so I opted to discuss it and come to some kind of concensus. She dislikes it when I answer a question with a question, hence the snowball.

The thing that really got me was that afterwards she said something to the effect of "I think we're doing really well. Look, we were even able to navigate conflict". I asked her if she would consider doing some kind of program to help us learn skills to aid in communication, etc. (I've been thinking about Retrouville) to which she responded that that is a bit too much to think about now, especially since a small amount of pressure makes her want to run away.

It was a bit emotionally draining and uncomfortable evening, but in the end I walked away feeling positive. I believe she did as well. The fact that she has an optimistic outlook on the evening is a real change for me. Not too long ago she would have responded to the exchange by saying that it proved that we aren't right for each other, that we don't work, etc. Even though she said something to this effect during the heat of her frustration (she is frustrated that I don't listen well enough, and said that she thinks we didn't know each other well enough to get married).