To Peace!

[Jeanette1120]

Wow,

I'm not sure what I want to talk to him about. It's not as if I am going to get an honest answer anyway. So what is the point?

I'm wondering if I am just trying to get him to do the right thing for us both and cut the ties, without me being the one to actually do it. Then I carry the guilt? I feel like the loser? He wins as I was not capable of going through this anylonger.

Perhaps I'm being a bit nasty to him since I heard he's married? Naaa...I'd already had enough of this before I heard the news. It's just a bit disgusting that he would even go to that stage of his relationship without first ending this one.

Maybe he is keeping the house for tax deductions? I mean, if this gets sold, he has no deductsions left at all. So him keeping this house could be a financial move on his part? But that still says "Its all about him".

His comment about how frustrating life is kinda set me off. Perhaps it shouldn't of....but give me a break will ya? You've created this huge vortex of CRAP and you continually suck me into it.

Guess that means I am not detached.

I'm finding it very difficult to detach when it comes to my financial security. Just cos he's messed his life up doesn't mean I can let him ruin mine. I've worked just as hard, if not harder for what we have left. My job is not as cushy as his.

Ya know, when we mediated I told him what was going to happen, I said so many many times to him, this does not have to end like this. He kept those blinders on the entire time. When mediation was over......he looked ill. I walked out the door with him and it was all my fault. I again told him we are not yet divorced, it does not have to end like this. He got in his truck and left.

To this very day, even when he would not say if he was married or not, he lays the blame on me. Said we would still be married if I had not of done this or that. It's now down to stupid stuff. No more does he crawl back years, he only crawled back after he bombed me and the few months of living together before he walked out for good.

I am tired of being blamed, I am tired of feeling guilty, I am tired of living this way.

I cannot move forward living in this house and not knowing when it's going to be snatched from underneath me. I would prefer to live in an apartment that I have control of. Just me.

What I need for him to do is what he agreed to do. I do not want to go back to court and go through this continuously with him. I know it's hard for some to live up to the agreement they so desperatley needed but....

I have to get rid of feeling guilty all the time. No matter what course I take I feel guilty. If I stand up and fight for what I am entitled to, then I feel guilty. Hell....I feel like I should just go out, work 3 jobs and get on with life. But then I say to myself WHY? This is what he wanted....is there no consequences for him? He has his cake, he's eating it. Now I want mine, and that makes me feel guilty.

I do not trust him. His actions have spoken very loud. He's borderline unstable and I am letting him take me with him. This has got to stop for my sake. Not his. Mine.

Wednesday will probably come and go just like all the others have done in the past. So I'll not worry about what is going to be said. It doesn't matter. Words from him really have no meaning.

When will I learn to stay away from him?

Hopefully soon as I've had enough.

Hugs,

Jeanette