Feeling hope

[fooled again]

Luv,

I guess I found that once I read about the stages of MLC, and more the symptoms, it allowed me to see that what is going on w/ my H is not about me - it is totally about him, the A, the moving out w/out telling me, the continued A, the lies, the spending, losing his job, the list goes on and on. Reading that this is something he has to figure out and that I can't help, hurry or do anything to change, it made me feel better about myself and let me put down the burden of responsibility for what is happening to him.

Of course, it is still very hard, and I miss him so much, but detaching has become easier, and that has helped my sanity.

Try to put down the load and let him figure this one out for himself. He came back partway, he could very well come back all the way, but it's up to you whether you will be there. You can't make him figure this out any faster or any easier, you just have to take care of yourself. Likely he is very confused, very lost, very scared and doesn't understand what is happening to him or why. Likely he does not intend to hurt you, he is just so focused on himself that he can't see how it hurts you. And thinking he is nearly out of it is going to cause you alot of disappointment. You just can't tell when he will come out of it for good, so do yourself a favor and don't try to map out the timeline - I tried and it doesn't work.

I'm thinking of you and your kids. Take care. Stay strong. Let go.

FA

[JoieDeVivre]

Luv,
I am always blown away by these WAS. I read your story and teared up. I am so sorry, especially for your children. It's hard for you but to a child ... they just can't comprehend it. Their world centers around their home, their parents. When something goes awry in that world, many of them think it's their fault. I would seriously consider finding someone they can talk to.

((( HUGS )))

Joie

[LuvMyHusband]

well, he came back last night and he fully confessed to dating and sleeping with another woman since January. I don't know how I feel right now. I just don't know.

[saffie]

January 2007 or 2008? Did he say why?

Have you talked about STD tests?

Luv, you don't need to make any big decisions about your H now. I know the financial situation has always been a bug bear for you. If he is willing to take the job still I would be tempted to go with that as it shows some intention to try at some level of family responsibility - and the income would be useful.

Other than that - see how you feel - you don't have to make any final big decisions.

I can't even begin to think how much this must be hurting - it sounds like he is offloading all his guilt - that probably helps him but hurts you. If he is being truly honest though and telling you because he wants your R to work, (at whatever level), then that must be good. Think.....all that time you were snooping and trying to catch him out you NEVER got this sort of information or admission. You reform and stop snooping and he feels guilty and tells you. Wow. In a way it's like he felt justified in lying to you before because you were out to catch him - and now he's telling you - wow.

The reason for his coming clean and telling you might only surface with time. Keep hanging in there and know that we are thinking of you.

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi Saffie,
neither of us want a divorce. Remember...I had an A too. I'm not such a hypocrite. I have worked hard to make changes in myself and he says he has seen them. We both realize you can't rebuild a R based on lies and secrets. Last night, he told me what I had been suspecting. It just wasn't with who I had been suspecting it was with. He took full responsibility and is going to take steps to get help for himself and our M. He is taking the job and is thinking of ways to get us out of the mess we are in financially. I am exhausted in every way. It's ironic that now he is wanting to be close to me I feel myself wanting to pull away from him. I don't feel angry. I don't know what I feel. It's like I don't feel anything. Nothing. He has spent months pushing me away and not wanting to be here or around me so this seems weird, hard to believe. I have been compassionate, kind and considerate. I know where he's at and how he's feel. Been there, done that and I know how I would have like to been treated then. In fact I remember telling him once that I hoped if he was ever in that position that I treated him this way. What really hurts is the names he has called me the last few months knowing what he was doing.

[fightingirish]

oh luv, what a blow. Im so sorry.

I don't know what to say, only that you've changed a bunch.. your a stronger person, and that is good. I know you both don't want a divorce, and it is good he came clean.. see your not crazy... You were right on target all along.

I am so sorry that it true.. Im sure it was a big step for him to be completely honest with you.. and its about time. As much as it hurts, now there is no guessing what is going on you know now and you both can go forward to try and repair what you have.

Thinking of you ((((hugs)))

tal

[water2moon]

I am soo soo sorry..Anytime I hear of kids hurting due to the stupidity of adults who are supposed to love and protect them I get so angry.I am sorry that your family is hurting this way. If you ever need to vent please email me.

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi all,
It's been a couple of days since my last post. My H and I have been talking...alot. We have talked more in the last few days than in the last few years. Very open and very honest, no anger either. I don't feel angry or bitter or resentful. I do feel sad and hurt. For myself but also for him. I know where he's at right now. He has been totally transparent since he came home too. He changed all the passwords so it's one single password for all email accounts. He shows me and tells me everything that he thinks I might EVEN have a concern. We saw our church leader today, in fact, my H is still with him. Tomorrow I will be gone all day working. I really don't feel funny about him being here alone either. He seems to be sincere and definitely wants a change. He even went to church with us for the first time in 7 months. We both have made our mistakes and we both see where and how. We both want things to be different so we will be working hard to make those changes. Anyway, just wanted to update. Thanks for all your support.

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi all,
I am doing ok. It's hard. He has been honest but now I am dealing with the aftermath of my feelings of hurt, sometimes resentment, anger and jealousy. It's hard to know that while I was crying into my pillow from lonliness that he was with someone else. It's hard to know that while I was worrying about paying the bills and not even wanting to spend money on my nails (I stopped), he had money to take HER to dinner, a concert and who knows what else. I try to cry in private as I know he feels terrible but sometimes I feel distant. I know it's going to take time and he knows this too. He's trying hard. Brought me roses yesterday. I had told him that I wanted him to pursue me, that I needed to feel that he really wants me and loves me. I'm trying to be loving, compassionate and forgiving. I'm glad I have C today. I need it to help me sort my feelings. Now that my H is "back" I don't want to push him away with my feelings.

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi all,
Ok, we had our first disagreement since H has been back home. I have told him that it bothers me when he is on the pc after I go to bed bc of things that have happened. Last night I went to bed around 9:40. He was on the pc. We have been in bed early for the last couple of days so this wasn't anything unusual. I didn't say anything to him about the pc as I have told him before. I wasn't angry but I do still worry. He came to bed about 20 minutes later. Ok, he cuddled me, I responded with holding his hand. This morning he brings up that "I was angry with him and that he felt he had to come to bed". Now, I did not act angry or even say anything. I think its his own conscience bc he knows how I feel.

We tried to talk about it over the phone to no avail. So as I am turning on the road to our street (after work) I see him driving away. I turned around and honked at him so he pulled over. I was sick to my stomach. Its only been a little over a week since I came home and he was gone with no warning so it stands to reason that I'm going to feel anxiety when I see him drive away when he is upset and he hasn't told me that he was going any where. Needless to say, he drove away angry, says I'm trying to make a "rule" that he has to go to bed when I do and that just is not true. He doesn't even seem to think that I have reason to feel anxiety when he is on the pc or that he was going to the store without telling me knowing that I would be home soon. He had to have known that I would worry since that's what happened last time. His response...why didn't you just call me? Mine...we were just on the phone, could you not have told me you were going to the store so I wouldn't be worried when I arrived home and you were gone?

Its only been a week. I know and appreciate that he is doing alot to be transparent and to make things right. That does not mean that my feelings of hurt, mistrust and abandonment just disappear. I have told him "look, if one of us has a problem with something, it's a problem for both of us". Anyway, I could use advice. He seems to get so angry. Says he doesn't want to feel trapped or mistrusted. Good grief.