I dropped by your thread, I remember your story from last year. I am not sure if I can offer much except that, you marriage has a chance as long as one of you still wants it! That being you, in regards to your Hubby checking out your haunts certainly a good thing. I am not sure how you rebuild the trust between you but I know it takes twice as long since you both hurt each other.
I also know the road to true healing is acceptance by both parties that each one has some responsibility for where they are today. Rarely if ever is it all one person. Marriage is a compromise and involves loving ones strenghts as well as their short comings.
Unfortunately this is the part where most of us fail. I love my W. because she is who she is, not what I think she should be. I believe many of us paint a picture in our minds of what our spouse should be, instead of focusing on what they are. Problem with that is when problems arise we are suddenly shocked to see our spouses many, many faults.
We use these faults to justify actions, like affairs, moving out, abandoning, taking for granted, divorce. Well they did this so I am going to do that. They started it, I only act this way because of what he/she did. Wrong thinking, that is selfish thinking. Instead we should look at it this way, I hurt you and you hurt me, the reason this happened is because we care and love each other. If we didn't we wouldn't be hurt or angry.
Why do people get a divorce, in most cases because they believe this will stop the hurt. Why do people seperate, again because being with the other person hurts.
The next flaw in most relationships that end I have found is the concept of love. The misconception of what love is and the misuse of it. Love for some means, you make me feel like a king or a queen, I love you. The problem with this is the other won't always be able to make you feel like a king or a queen and when this happens the thought becomes I am not in love with you anymore.
Love is showing compassion and forgiveness for the other, love is caring for the other despite their many faults. Love is how I make you feel not how you make me feel. That is "true love". Truth is love is conditional, there isn't unconditional love in adult relationships, we screw up, then love is taken away, that is the punishment in many cases.
Hence the phrase so many are familar with "I Love you but I am not in love with you anymore", really means you hurt me, I don't forgive you and I am not willing to open myself up to hurt again right now. The reason I say right now is because as you know the stress of these situations causes huge changes in moods. Hence the roller coaster.
Your H is probably testing the waters, wants to see if he can trust you and himself. You bailed on him, you abandoned him because he hurt you. You left because he hurt you, he isn't ready to fully commit because he is afraid you will hurt him again.
Truth he still loves you, but he isn't confident things won't be different. You do all you can, but ultimately it is up to him to open up and decide if he is willing to change and willing to be vulnerable again.
Sorry for the length of the post. Hope it helps.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
