Turns out if you really really really get underneath the glue, you can eventually lift it off. I'm not used to being high maintenance.
I like the telling the truth.. simple and sweet!
My writing has always been compilations of thoughts, essays. While in a writer's group, I tried to do a short short story but then the drama in the group became far more unbelievable that fiction. I've only sent one poem in.. didn't set my sites too high, to the New Yorker! Surprisingly, a rejection.
I get stuck in "how do I do XYZ" which I recognize now is just avoidance.
On a personal note.. I'm thinking my husband probably has been with someone for quite a while. It feels wrong to think that of him but too many behaviors don't add up.
With that thought, and how I'm always hammer in.. "It's none of my business." "It's a reflection of his own take (misery) in life." something came to me.
I hear the word "detach", "detach lovingly".. so I do what I think is right and leave myself dangling like that cute plump worm by actually impaling myself on the hook. Ouch!
My new thought, or take.. is that I leave. Not out of anger, not out of rejection.. just leave. Detaching is leaving. I leave emotionally. This treatment by my husband is bullying and disrespectful, not to mention, unloving.
Take the wick out of the candle.
Without the wick, the candle can't burn. It's just a cylinder of wax.
I've been out dangling on my hook feeling no sense of control.
I do have control.. over me.
I do have a choice.. on how I wish to be treated.
I do want a positive relationship but it has to be mutual.
So since I couldn't sleep, I've formulated Plan B, what I like to call:
"Putting DB to Work for Me."
The wick of my emotional candle is a nerve ending. People who aren't nice to my wick, don't get to play with it! My husband has entered the "No play" zone. No wick for you, dear.
I can remove the wick of my emotional candle as needed. Life is not about putting myself out to be stomped and beaten. Life is to be lived with joy, strength and pride.
By removing the wick of my emotional candle I take away outside manipulation. I take care of myself. I am still loving to those who are loving. I am no longer helpless, always hurt, fearful, at risk.
I still believe in what brought my husband and I together. I still believe in marriage. I still believe in family.
I no longer believe I have to suffer to have hope.
Trying to figure out what is really going on is as helpful as plucking petals.. "He's not having an affair" "He is having an affair"... pluck pluck.. until the flower is bare. Guess what.. he's GONE, left, adios without a forwarding address!
Hello! Hasta luego, baby. Ya ain't got my wick no mo', no mo', no mo', no mo' (sing it with me!)
