Sideswiped, I haven't posted to you before (or to many people; I'm new), but your situation really touched me because of your little girl (I've got three children). For at least the first month after my husband left, he was rude to me almost every time we spoke. And he had been consistently rude to me since I found out about him having an affair. I guess he stopped (for the most part, although he still has his moments), because I summoned every ounce of willpower and grace in me and decided I was not going to argue back or act hurt or demand empty apologies. I simply kept telling him that he was welcome to keep losing his temper and acting ridiculous, but not in MY home. He was welcome to rant and rave about things that I could have done differently, but not in MY home. The other day I got home from work and he began talking to me in a raised voice (irritated that my drive home took too long), and I reminded him sweetly that he has lost the right (although as spouses we really don't have the right) to yell at me. And he backed down.
I agree with what others have said...spouses who cheat have to, on some level, villify their betrayed spouses. They need to make it make sense to them why they are behaving so atrociously. There have been times since my husband left that I have caught him looking at me like, Wow, you are really funny, or really cool, or whatever, and it's like he's seeing me after being apart for years. Affairs mess with their heads, and it's almost like they forget they are ruining the lives of real people who love and suffer and sacrifice. So when we spend time with our spouses and they see us for who we really are, not perfect people, but the people who have pledged to spend our lives with them and share their joy and their pain, then they often react in an ugly way.
I hope your daughter is alright, and I'm soooo sorry you are having to walk this path. It's a dark one and made worse by the fact that we don't know if there is a restored marriage at the end of it. I hope you will continue to read good books on this and enjoy your daughter immensely and take your thoughts captive by not dwelling on what your husband may be doing or thinking. Keep posting and sharing so we can keep up with you! Have a wonderful day!
