Thanks for this. Today was a tough day...went to a work lunch with people at a place my W. and I used to frequent. I felt pretty triggered. I really enjoy the people I was with, but I felt so alone and sad during the meal, just trying to fake my way through it. I feel a bit like a bystander in my own life in those moments. I feel very hollow, like I am already single and I hate it. I hate the way it feels so empty to come home. I've been feeling a lot of frustration and anger about everything since she went on her trip last week. Then it turns into sorrow and sadness and hurt when I get home. I hate imagining a future without her but it is getting hard to imagine it being anything but that. This stuff is on my mind almost all the time, it seems, even though I am trying to distract, do good things, etc.
No contact since she left for her trip. I stupidly had some brief fantasy of getting a postcard from her, somehow I was sure there would be something there (irrational and stupid thinking). I checked the mailbox and of course there was nothing. It's very hard to imagine a future without her that feels good. I really feel like my self-esteem has taken a dreadful beating in all this. I feel so unattractive in so many ways right now. Yet I am feeling like I desperately want the attention of someone, just to validate that I am not so repulsive and asexual. I know a lot of this is distorted, but it really feels true. ARG I am so frustrated with my W., my situation, and myself.
I don't know what to do with myself when I feel so upset and stuck like this. : \
