I'm torn between working to get the M to a better place and doing nothing and leaving it up to the W to do what she's comfortable with.
Your answer is to do both...work on what you have control over that can possibly have a positive impact on the M, while allowing W to grow too. You're absolutely right to continue working on you and to work up some limits and goals--expectations can still be killer, but hopefully it's time for some real steps toward putting this all together into a happy, healthy M.
I'm sorry I'm not more familiar with your entire story...but I know you've been around the DB block and have a good head on your shoulders. Welcome to Piecing Muddle!
