[girlfromipanema]

Nonsensical Rambling:

Oh how I wish my ability to express myself was better. Just thinking... at what moment (split second?) does deep connected love and great friendship turn to marginal loss of the connection and lukewarm friendship turn to complete disconnection and no longer friends? How does this occur? At what point? Is it a fraction of a second? A mistake/assumption is made by either party that erodes and erodes until nothing is left? I can vividly recall so many happy, happy times with the man I married. Now I don't know what to say to him. If we were to go to dinner, what would I say? We are no longer friends.

Is it possible to be hypnotized to not feel anything for a particular person? Wouldn't that be a nice escape?

Lack of sleep. Affecting the mind. So tired.

*********

The long-term boyfriend of "friend" called me yesterday. He was just recently made aware of my feelings (she told him). They have been on the outs for years with constant threats of her leaving. She told him recently that it's over. Over, over. This time she means it. No chance. Pack your bags, pal. Anyway, apparently she's been extremely hateful to him the past few weeks. Some of the things she has said (according to him):

Don't look at me. I can't stand the sight of you.
You'll be dead in 10 years and I'll be alone. (26 year age difference.)
You need to put on some muscle. You're old and you disgust me.
Why didn't you buy me a Mercedes?
You stole my youth. I want a baby.
The insults and hate go on and on and on.
He had a heart attack about 6 years ago, and due to an interminable divorce (finalized only 3 years ago), he transferred the deed to the house to "friend's" name. He transferred the bank accounts to her name - everything. He said he wanted to protect her in case his first wife tried to go after more of his assets should he die. Now "friend" tells him she's keeping everything. She needs it for her daughter's (from her first marriage) education. The first husband has had no involvement in this daughter's life; while her long-term boyfriend has loved her like his own. He has given so much and she wants to take everything from him.
I don't understand how people can be so cruel. I don't understand how my (formerly) kind, wonderful H could want to be such great friends with someone so utterly heartless.

I let "friend's" long-term boyfriend borrow DR a few weeks ago. He said he read the first few paragraphs and laughed. I asked him what his response is when she spews her hate. "I just say, fine, leave." I asked him if he read the 180 part in the book. "Nah." I told him he should try giving it back to her. "That made it worse." OK, now why do you want to be with her again? Wake up, man. Helllloooooooooo. No one deserves to be treated like dirt. But he loves her. They've been together for almost 14 years. I've known them for 7 years and they've been the most painfully unbearable couple to watch. She's always so critical of him and verbally lashes out pretty much any chance she gets - it's embarrassing. She recently told me she wished he'd stand up for himself. Well, if you didn't berate him, he'd have no need to take a stand. Yet, more than anything, he wants to make it work. My heart goes out to him. He's in so much pain. I don't think he's up to starting all over again at his age.

As we were ending the conversation, he said he really didn't think anything was going on between "her" and my H - he thinks they're just really great friends. He said he can't imagine either one of them betraying either one of us like that. I told him it happens every day. "Not them. Not to us." His first marriage ended when his wife and best friend had an affair.

I used to believe the best of every one. Always giving the benefit of the doubt. Always trusting, trusting, trusting. People would tell me to wake up. Never say never. Get in tune with reality. I said I didn't want to be bitter or cynical - it wasn't in my nature. Seems things have changed.

I really don't think I'm wallowing today. Just thinking in silence and writing "out loud." I'm in relatively high spirits. No tears. Wearing a very cute dress and boots. Many compliments have been given. It's all good.

I don’t comment too much on other threads because I don't feel qualified to help. Or wise like so many of you. I don't want to be that girl running cross-country – "don't give up! You can save your marriage!" I want more substance... If I can give anything other than a chirpy cheerleader shout out, I will, but I don't know how often I can.

Thanks to so many of you who give me strength. It is much appreciated.