Bring on the Rain

[Rob1231]

Hi Sue, Back from a short vacation and catching up...

Sorry your H is still being such an a$$, but glad that you are so on top of things. You are doing so well in spite of all the cr@p he sends your way - good for you! I agree, don't let H's stupidity deprive you of your sweet D3(4!)

The money sitch does raise my parental hackles as well! I can't remember, how are the two of you handling finances? If you still have shared accounts for everything, my advice to you would be to split this up, as soon as possible, into three accounts - yours, his, and shared. Shared should include anything to do with the household, and anything to do with D3. Look at your monthly expenses and figure out how much of each of your paychecks should go into the three accounts - do it as an automatic, scheduled transfer that happens as soon as the paycheck is deposited.

We did this in my own sitch - and that's how we continue to have our finances to this day. After getting over the whole "this is because of the impending D" thing, I found that I really LIKED this arrangement. It is very liberating to have "my own money" which is mine to spend without feeling like I need to get every purchase OK'ed.

And in your sitch, I think it's time that H got a nice cold splash of financial reality thrown in his face. Even if he goes through with splitting up, he has some hefty responsibilities to D3 - and there's no time like the present to make that perfectly clear to him.

(((Many hugs!)))

[karen43]

Sue, I agree with Piglet! I can't imagine 2 weeks without my D8 or my S14! That is so long!!! I hope you can work that out so it doesn't happen or is at least a shorter visit! Karen

[SueS]

Hello!

H's family left. My SIL talked to me about coming down to visit. She openly talked about it as if it would just be me & D3. That's fine. I had to go home to be with D3 so they could leave. She and I baked cupcakes for school today. They'll celebrate her b-day this afternoon during snack. She'll be the Princess for the day! She wasn't feeling well, but looked better when I talked to her about school.

Okay, still not sure what's happening with D3. I asked H to talk to daycare and he's giving me a major attitude. It's his responsibility, yet he wants no part of having to do the leg work. No, I do not want my child gone for 2 weeks. H mentioned just a week and I'd do better with that. I have things outside the office to do today and told H to call back to daycare. The Director was there this morning, but H was "running late" and he didn't talk to her. WTH? Told him I'd emailed him this morning to say I wouldn't be in the office so he'd have to handle it. I got "Whatever" from him and he hung up. I'm sure he'll call me later and ask me if I've talked to her.

Rob, as far as our finances, they're pretty split up right now. We each use a separate checking account. My H works for a bank. When he got that job, he opened an account, always telling me that we should open an account there but never following through. He did a lot of things financially that did not include me, which tends to add to my thoughts that he's been planning for a long time to end our M and my thoughts that his current A is an Exit A. Anyway, we no longer have joint credit cards either. We'd paid off and closed all of them a long time ago. He started opening his own new cards. I believe he has 4. I, in turn, opened 2 (very small limit) cards on my own for emergencies because he wouldn't put my name of any of his. Nor would he add me to the checking account. And then he wonders why I became so guarded with my feelings the past year! The only thing that we have together is the vehicle I drive. He wants no part of that. I pay that expense each month, along with our insurance. Oh, and I know he opened another account at a credit union here. He has NO idea that I'm aware of that account.

You know, I know times will be tough and this whole transition to being by myself will be hard. Goodness knows I have NO idea what it will truly be like to have H gone. But I've also had one of these "Let's just get this over with" kind of attitudes the past week. I've cried a few times, but the bigger an a$$ H is to me, the easier this gets. D3 told my parents last night.....Guess what my daddy did? He laid on me....kind of hurt too....I cried. They knew about what had happened. My mom just kind of changed the subject (H was not around).

Well, time for more work. I'm also meeting my parents for lunch!

Hi Sheila. Did you get my ecard? Check your email.

Thanks everyone.

[Snow White]

D3 told my parents last night.....Guess what my daddy did? He laid on me....kind of hurt too....I cried. They knew about what had happened. My mom just kind of changed the subject (H was not around).

Its hard to hear it come from D's mouth isn't it. My parents have been on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks. My mom came with me to gymnastics last night and asked me how things were going, I said the same. She said oh because D4 sat down next to me when I came in and said my daddy is not being very nice to my mommy. I told my mom we had not been fighting, I asked D about it this morning about why she thinks daddy isn't nice to mommy she said you guys fight a lot and he calls you crazy. We have not had an argument in a month and breaks my heart that it is something she is thinking about and telling grandma in confidence.

[SueS]

Hello Everyone-

Well, D3 is officially D4! I was so excited for her on her birthday. She was so happy.

Journaling.........
Friday-
Got off work & went to do some quick shopping with my mom & D4. She got some shoes/sandals and some cutie capris. Oh she looked adorable when she tried them on. Got a call from H asking what our plans for the night were. He asked if we wanted to come to our place & have pizza. So, my folks came over. It was a lot more comfortable than I anticipated it to be.

Saturday-
Got D4 ready and she and I went to pick up my folks at the hotel. H was at work. My dad kept D4 busy while my mom looked at 2 apartments with me. I did some last minute shopping and went home to clean the disaster of a home we had. Got that cleaned in plenty of time for company to come over for D4's little party. H picked a few extra things up for D4's birthday & then came home to cook. He cooked a ton of food and was very interactive with my family. I had been nervous that he'd be a little standoffish or that they wouldn't be as receptive to him. When they all left, D4 went to the hotel with my parents. H and I were left at home. H crashed out and I got D4's stuff ready to go so she could go home with my parents. Yes, she went with them.

Sunday-
D4 left with my parents. I was very under the weather and slept off and on all day. What a bonus that was for my H, as he played on the computer all day with his emails, Youtube...etc. Thankfully I was pretty out of it and didn't pay attention or care much. H was nice and made us lunch & dinner yesterday. At one point I did get up, shower & do a few things around the house. H did sleep on the futon last night. I didn't expect anything else, but it was just odd to hear him say he was going to bed and then seeing him walk out of our room & lay in the den.

Today-
Couldn't sleep much over night and wished that my company didn't put a time limit on my access card to the building. I would have gotten up and been here by 5:30-6:00. No such luck. I fell back asleep and almost overslept. H emailed me from work. Just made a comment about the weather, asking if it was snowing hard in the area I work in. I emailed back. Those very casual emails throw me way off. I start to wonder why he does it? It's not that I don't want to keep a peaceful relationship with my H (mostly for D4's sake), but I'd like to tell him that if he doesn't want me anymore, that if he wants this new life with OW, then just completely leave me alone. I'm not a b*tch, but it would make it easier for me to cut the ties....to separate myself emotionally.

I took my ring off. I took it off about a week ago. It's been a little hard to get used to, but I just got to the point where I felt more pain looking at it than anything. I NEVER thought I'd feel that way, but I do. I also got a little excited when I was looking at wall decor and things like that, then got sad to know that H was looking at furniture ads for his new place. Sometimes I just feel like I can't win. I haven't been feeling well, so tough when all you want is the person you've counted on for 17 years to just hold you and pamper you. Instead they sit on the computer & sleep in the den.

Then I stop and realize that I am the stronger woman of me and OW. I AM! I know this. I've lived with H for 17 years and put up with everything. Two A's, his drinking, selfish behavior.....etc. There were good times in there, I loved him and even through the tough times I couldn't see myself without him. He thinks she's strong because she's leaving her H, who hasn't treated her like she should be treated. If my H would look inside himself and back at our M, he'd see that he is essentially "saving" her from what he's put me through all these years. I AM STRONG! I am the one that will make it through the better person. Maybe this is what I needed to see just how strong I really am and what I can be capable of. I actually get scared for my H. I fear that if this R doesn't work out that he'll harm himself. He's threatened to do it in the past when things were bad. He's still on a high of this fantasy with her. What happens when he sees that it's just the same thing over again? I know I cannot control that either. As hard as it is, I know this.

Well, I need to get busy.

SueS

[fightingirish]

Sues,

hey there, no you can't control anything he does at this point, he is in denial with her, and soon it will come crashing down.

you are strong, and I know I don't have to tell you that, but one day you will meet someone who will appreciate you and treat you with kindness and respect. I know this will happen for you.

Happy bday to D4!! They grow up so fast, I wish they could say little sometimes..



tal

[Gypsy]

Hello Ms Sue..

Happy b'day to your daughter.

*hugs*

[LL44]

Big 4 yr old!!! I am glad you enjoyed her day as much as she did. That's how it should be. Glad things were peaceful with H and your family as well.

About your ring. Sigh. I felt the same as you in December, that it just hurt to wear it, I felt like a fool wearing it actually, with my H out there acting single. I miss it and what it represented at one point in our marriage.

Sue, I love your last paragraph. It sounds like you are dropping the rope. Remember, dropping the rope doesn't mean its over. Dropping the rope is for you, and you only. You are strong, don't listen to H tell you otherwise.

[lovelyolive]

Well, D3 is officially D4! I was so excited for her on her birthday. She was so happy.

Yeah!! Four is so darn fun!!! I am Mommy to D4 going on D14.. So independent but so darn cute! They are our sunshine aren't they??!

I took my ring off. I took it off about a week ago. It's been a little hard to get used to, but I just got to the point where I felt more pain looking at it than anything.

It's been 4 months for me (I took it off when H filed) and I still miss wearing it. Maybe because it is a beautiful ring. Maybe because I still believe in what it represents..the commitment that it symbolizes.

I actually get scared for my H. I fear that if this R doesn't work out that he'll harm himself. He's threatened to do it in the past when things were bad. He's still on a high of this fantasy with her. What happens when he sees that it's just the same thing over again?

I have had the same fears myself, Sue, because stbxh is so depressed at times. But, there is nothing we can do about it. They have made decisions that will affect everyone's future and the consequences are theirs.. And.. D@mn right. WE ARE strong!!!

Oh.. and when were you picking us all up for that road trip??

[karen43]

[quote=SueS]I have had the same fears myself, Sue, because stbxh is so depressed at times. But, there is nothing we can do about it. They have made decisions that will affect everyone's future and the consequences are theirs..

Someone was telling me last night that my H looks depressed, and wondering why if he is so happy with his new life and the OW and everything he isn't acting/looking happy. I do think that's weird; you would think after putting the kids and I through all this at least H would be happy with his new single life!!! I don't get the depression... Karen