Bring on the Rain

[SueS]

Hello Everyone-

Well, D3 is officially D4! I was so excited for her on her birthday. She was so happy.

Journaling.........
Friday-
Got off work & went to do some quick shopping with my mom & D4. She got some shoes/sandals and some cutie capris. Oh she looked adorable when she tried them on. Got a call from H asking what our plans for the night were. He asked if we wanted to come to our place & have pizza. So, my folks came over. It was a lot more comfortable than I anticipated it to be.

Saturday-
Got D4 ready and she and I went to pick up my folks at the hotel. H was at work. My dad kept D4 busy while my mom looked at 2 apartments with me. I did some last minute shopping and went home to clean the disaster of a home we had. Got that cleaned in plenty of time for company to come over for D4's little party. H picked a few extra things up for D4's birthday & then came home to cook. He cooked a ton of food and was very interactive with my family. I had been nervous that he'd be a little standoffish or that they wouldn't be as receptive to him. When they all left, D4 went to the hotel with my parents. H and I were left at home. H crashed out and I got D4's stuff ready to go so she could go home with my parents. Yes, she went with them.

Sunday-
D4 left with my parents. I was very under the weather and slept off and on all day. What a bonus that was for my H, as he played on the computer all day with his emails, Youtube...etc. Thankfully I was pretty out of it and didn't pay attention or care much. H was nice and made us lunch & dinner yesterday. At one point I did get up, shower & do a few things around the house. H did sleep on the futon last night. I didn't expect anything else, but it was just odd to hear him say he was going to bed and then seeing him walk out of our room & lay in the den.

Today-
Couldn't sleep much over night and wished that my company didn't put a time limit on my access card to the building. I would have gotten up and been here by 5:30-6:00. No such luck. I fell back asleep and almost overslept. H emailed me from work. Just made a comment about the weather, asking if it was snowing hard in the area I work in. I emailed back. Those very casual emails throw me way off. I start to wonder why he does it? It's not that I don't want to keep a peaceful relationship with my H (mostly for D4's sake), but I'd like to tell him that if he doesn't want me anymore, that if he wants this new life with OW, then just completely leave me alone. I'm not a b*tch, but it would make it easier for me to cut the ties....to separate myself emotionally.

I took my ring off. I took it off about a week ago. It's been a little hard to get used to, but I just got to the point where I felt more pain looking at it than anything. I NEVER thought I'd feel that way, but I do. I also got a little excited when I was looking at wall decor and things like that, then got sad to know that H was looking at furniture ads for his new place. Sometimes I just feel like I can't win. I haven't been feeling well, so tough when all you want is the person you've counted on for 17 years to just hold you and pamper you. Instead they sit on the computer & sleep in the den.

Then I stop and realize that I am the stronger woman of me and OW. I AM! I know this. I've lived with H for 17 years and put up with everything. Two A's, his drinking, selfish behavior.....etc. There were good times in there, I loved him and even through the tough times I couldn't see myself without him. He thinks she's strong because she's leaving her H, who hasn't treated her like she should be treated. If my H would look inside himself and back at our M, he'd see that he is essentially "saving" her from what he's put me through all these years. I AM STRONG! I am the one that will make it through the better person. Maybe this is what I needed to see just how strong I really am and what I can be capable of. I actually get scared for my H. I fear that if this R doesn't work out that he'll harm himself. He's threatened to do it in the past when things were bad. He's still on a high of this fantasy with her. What happens when he sees that it's just the same thing over again? I know I cannot control that either. As hard as it is, I know this.

Well, I need to get busy.

SueS