Used perhaps, not stupid! You know that you can't control what he is going to do, so you haven't tried. He has to get through it on his own. From what I have seen, you have done everything you can to make being with you comfortable, maybe even too much so! He hasn't come out of his own confusion far enough to realize that he is going to have to make a choice. So you are waiting. And only you get to choose how long you wait, he doesn't, really!
In reality, I do need to know at least the bare bones of what happened with OW over spring break...and it's going to need to come from him. I know today is not the day to do that as I couldn't handle it. Also, I can't make my brain think of a way to ask the question other than "you didn't have the balls to break up with her did you?" I am also not good at keeping my mouth shut - and since his two LLs are WOA and physical touch, that's really something I need to work on. I just don't really get it, because with me, words don't really stick. H remembers things I say though and holds them against me months later.
But I'm also feeling some urgency here and there will not be a chance to get together this weekend as we both have drill and will be working long days. Maybe I could try middle of the week since my work schedule is light right now. I really feel the need to have this conversation in person. IM is too easily misinterpreted - no tone, no facial expressions/body language - and phone isn't much better.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Oh, I'd give him another week or so, at least, before a R talk. He is still emotionally in a turmoil after this last week. Let that pass before you start anything, or it will probably not be worth the effort, and might be really counterproductive. Right now I thin kyou need to think of him a bit as a child, his emotions are driving him. Let those calm down first.
Thanks Jeff. I guess in the grand scheme of things two and a half weeks isn't very long, but he really seemed to be making some decisions about what he wanted to do. It just seems like something should have changed by now. I guess I should know better.
I guess I should also know better than to be looking for some grand gesture and trying to focus on the small positives.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Lol...sorry, but that is EXACTLY the way it has been phrased in my mind "He didn't have the balls to break up with her". Hmmm...maybe you need to really think about what you will say because I don't think would go over too well either.
I do think at this point he owes you some sort of explanation as to what is going on. He is still with OW and he is reaching out to you too. Cake eating. Just really think about the questions you need answers to before you do it.
sorry, but that is EXACTLY the way it has been phrased in my mind "He didn't have the balls to break up with her".
Me too!
Michelle, as much as it pains me, I think his "true" feelings, right now, are closer to what he was saying in the IM converstion you had before the "interesting" evening. I think that Sunday night he was being driven more to say what you wanted to hear, so that he could get what he wanted. True cake-eating. Even if he meant it at the time, when faced with the actual presence of OW, we know what he did then. So, at best he is confused, and lying to both of you. The problem with any R talk you have with him now is that you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anyway!
I agree with klm and dry_heat. Cake-eating big time. As it was suggested, think about what you really want out of this M and from your H. When you do have the needed talk, use "I" statements. Express your feelings to him in no uncertain terms, and if H perceives what you are telling him as demands or ultimatums, assure him that they are not. They are merely what you will and will not tolerate in your R.
I think it's time to have that talk - a M cannot work as long as there are 3 involved - but be prepared, and whatever you do, don't back down. Stick to your guns. If you waffle, your H will not take you seriously.
(((((Michelle)))))
Last edited by GoingForward; 03/31/0808:02 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I expressed some of that the other week - he asked what I wanted to happen if he didn't file for D, I said OW goes - absolutely NC however innocent, that I didn't want to rush back in to living together, but also that we needed to talk and spend a LOT more time together.
Perhaps it was clearer in my head that what I rambled to him lol.
Journaling: just got off the phone with SIL. She confirmed H bailed on bringing OW to meet the folks. SIL also didn't meet OW when she and her BF saw H. OW was in town, but he did not arrange to have them meet her. In fact, SIL asked about her, and he didn't even smile. Just confirmed she was in town. She said his demeanor was weirdly neutral, chatty, but he didn't go on about OW or her visit. Of course, also no mention of a break up. And OW has not posted some sob story on facebook nor has H changed his status on myspace (hers is set to private again. I only know cuz a friend wanted to know what she looked like so I went to look in her pics and coudln't). So....*shrugs*
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Michelle, he knew what you meant! He doesn't want to, or can't do it! It isn't really too complicated! You are married to him, and for that to work, there can't be an OW! Even he can figure that out! But he is confused about how to solve the problem, so for now he tries to hang on to both of you. Either figuring he will decide, or that one of you will dump him, and he won't have to. (The second is my guess, I think you've said he has never dumped anyone, so he figures one of you will dimp him, and he'll choose the other one!)
). Suggestions?