Can you explain your thinking about wanting your H to spend some time away from both of you before moving back in? I'm not saying it's wrong. It's just that your H seems to be a little weak right now, and it may be very difficult for him to be alone. The experience may convince him that he really wants to be with you. But the risk is that he may mistake his loneliness for love for the OW (she probably will be extra nice to him during that time) and return to her. I think that getting him home would really help him break his attachment to her. It seems to be what he wants to do. He seems to be making his own decision, and you have been extremely patient in letting him come around to that. I wouldn't set up any impediments to it.
It is kinda funny you say that. I just hung up with my Mother-In-Law & she said the same exact thing! We have tried him living w/them & it didn't work. He is supposed to call today & I will let him know that it is an option, should he (FINALLY) decide to leave OW. I went to see a D attorney & he refused to file for me. He said it would emotionally devistate both of us. He didn't rule it out, just asked me to wait a bit. You are right about him being weak, he made that comment on Mother's Day - he asked how he ever became so weak; he has always been a strong person. This is something he seems to be struggling with. I try & give positive comments, when appropriate, but it seems like it is not enough. Any advice you have is very helpful. Thanks a million!!!
OK, this is weird. Your sitch seems almost like a carbon of mine. Do you have young children also?? This woman is older than we are (7 or 8 years) and is nothing like he has EVER been attracted to!! Trust me, I learned to NEVER underestimate this OW!! She has pulled most everything she can do to end my M. I just want my H back!!! I want him to have his own self confidence back; to be the happy person he used to be. He used to have a cute bounce in his step & now he just looks miserable! I just want him to be happy. Even if it isn't w/ me, I can see he isn't happy w/ OW. This is a choice he is making though.
Wait a sec, I must've missed something. Why the lawyer, at this point? What you are doing seems to be working. I would suggest waiting and playing that card later, if all else fails (remember, you only get to play that card once).
Going back to the living situation, the more I think about it, the more I think it would be better just to have him move back in, rather than moving to some nominally neutral location. To what purpose do you want him to separate himself from both of you? If you want to attach some strings, in order for him to prove himself a little, I would suggest requiring him to join you in seeing a MC, or perhaps going to a Retrouvaille weekend (I've never been, can't get my W to go, but I hear very good things about them). Just trying to put myself in his shoes (and I obviously don't know him like you do), I would think he might be more willing to do something like that, and it might be more productive.
My H has said many times how he misses me & wants to come home & then never does. My main concern is my baby, she is only 6 months old. After visiting w/ the lawyer, he doesn't want me to file. He thinks it would devistate me even more than I already am. I am out of town right now & Icalled to chat with my H (he's at work) & he was talking A LOT about raising our baby together. He goes through phases where he wants to & then he wont call FOREVER!! The last time he did that, when he did call I just pretneded like we had chatted yesterday. No big deal. Before I left town, I told H if he wanted to move back with me & go no place in between that was ok with me. Last night when he was talking about raising our baby, I told him the ball was in his court, that I couldn't make him come back. We will see!
Here's hoping and praying that your H continues in the direction it seems he's headed (towards home). Let us know how it's going as soon as you can after you get back.
Thanks! I need all the help (prayers & support) I can get in this! My H tried to contact me for the first time since early Saturday (3 am) morning. He didn't have me cell number till then. When I arrived here, my cold took a bad turn & I couldn't breath - so off to the hospital I went. When a person is scared like I was you want what comforts the most & he was it & I caved & gave him my #. I think it might have been a mistake because now I am upset he hasn't even called to see how I am --- out of site out of mind. I only have 2 more days here & then I will be home. I am hoping & praying that something good will finally happen for my little family. I call & check on my daughter a million times a day; I don't understand HOW he can be away from her for extended time!! I will let you know how things are when I get back. Thanks for your support.
I hope that we safely assume that since you are posting that you are recovering from your cold (did it develop into something else?). I can imagine that it must have been miserable to be in a hospital far away from home. You certainly can't be blamed for wanting a little support from your H. He sounds like my W is being right now - very self centered and apparently unable or unwilling to respond effectively to what I need. From what I've been reading, that can be a temporary thing, but it doesn't really make it less painful to deal with.
I also wonder if your H has to this point intentionally not connected with your daughter in order to save himself some grief if he decides to D. My guess is that he would quickly bond with her, if he would just decide to go home and leave the OW for good.
Anyway, take care of yourself. I'll be very interested to hear how you are doing.
I am home & no "camper". H finally contacted me on Wednesday & promptly started an argument. I responded (of course) & we argued a little & then agreed to talk later in the evening when I got back to my room. I called my Mom after I talked to my H & I realized why he was picking a fight with me; he wasn't ready to leave the OW by the time I got home. I paged him & when he called me back (finally) I told him that he didn't have to argue with me to justify him not leaving the OW & that when I returned home & he wasn't camped out on my doorstep, it would be a "non-issue". Honesty was all I wanted & he didn't have to argue in place of it. He said he was sorry & that the last two weeks had been "tough" on him. OH PITY HIM!!! I didn't say that to him but what about the last 8 or 9 months for me??? The last 5 for sure...on my own with our brand-new baby!! Anyway...positive thinking right?? We met for dinner last night & he was all talk about moving home & how much he loves me & misses us. He even mentioned having another baby! THEN WHY WON'T HE LEAVE HER????????? He says he has been kind of rude to her over the last couple of weeks & she is getting fed up with it?? Now how can I believe that?? He did say that someone paged him & put in his pager # in error instead of the # to call back. Now that really pissed her off!! (That was how they communicated when he lived at home, through their pagers, issued by their work)!! He said he got the 3rd degree on that one. I asked him if she knew he had been seeing me & that he stayed over on Mother's day & he said no; he told her he was at his parents. How did I, his wife, become the OW?? Is this normal?? I am supposed to see him tonight when I take our baby over for his visit. I just want him to move home, he keeps telling me to not give up. I told him last night that I didn't know how much longer I could do this on my own; that eventually I would need something from him to show his desire for us to work. I keep praying that he will come home & all will be ok. But now I am worried about the extended future. For the longest time ALL I wanted was him home; I hadn't really thought too much about what would happen once he was there. His schedule is different than hers now & his days off are better giving us more time off together. I just don't know how to handle the future.
Here's my take: What seems clear is that he wants to have it both ways. He wants to be with you and have a family and a "normal" life. And, there is something about the OW that he is finding very hard to leave. I'd bet that that when he says he loves you, he means it, and that, even if you did nothing, he would eventually return to you.
The question then becomes how to accelerate the process, so that he returns before you become so fed up with it all, that you throw in the towel. I think I'm with lostlove here. You need to lovingly detach. That doesn't mean you threaten divorce, just that you let him know that you are ready to move on with or without him. Give him some notion that he may be losing you, and that he needs to act quickly, or the decision may be taken out of his hands. Don't be obvious about it, or throw it in his face, but it wouldn't hurt for him to think that you might be open to dating other men. Be intentionally vague about what you've been doing (and with whom!). Let him do the wondering for a change.
I know that your situation right now must be completely maddening and frustrating - to be so tantalizingly close to a real breakthrough, to be right on the cusp of success, and to not have it happen. You probably fear that anything you do differently may have the opposite effect of what it is intended to do, since your H has already slowly been moving in the right direction. But in reading these threads, there have been so many success stories using the "lovingly detach" approach, there really is very little risk.
Think of it this way. Right now, your H knows that he has 3 options: leave you, come back home, or stay with the OW while giving you "maybes" and "somedays". You can lovingly, and in a way that he doesn't even know it, take away that 3rd option.
