I feel blue about me. I'm having a down evening. When I was taking D to meet W, she started crying and saying she was going to miss me. Then when I dropped off D and was putting her into her seat she said to W, "Did you see (OM)?" W was quiet and as I was leaving she was still talking w/ D in the back seat. I'm guessing she was coaching her to NOT speak to me about OM ever which would only put D in the middle of this mess.
I'm taking a beating right now. I know I need to hold on for my D's sake, but it is really, really difficult to do. I'm pretty thrashed now to be honest.
I would love to keep the house and sell it later. I'm working all the angles to see what I can and can't afford to do.
I guess this is one of the evenings where I wonder why I would want her back. I've got to be crazy to still love this woman and want her in my life, wouldn't I?
Just wanted to let you know, I was just thinking that you have and continue to teach me a lot about toughness, determination and unending love.
I know you are at an extremely low point right now. You have been getting 'slugged' for quite a while now. Plain & simple your motivation is and will continue to be your precious Grace. So throw your superhero suit in the laundry for freshening and fully and completely do your absolutest->(T-speak) at unwinding and decompressing. As we all do, I am sure you have some kind of mind/body occupying type of thing that you can take safe refuge in.
I hope your string of rotten days is going to be changing here real quick. I'll pray for that.
You are a great man & an exceptional Dad. You are standing firm for what matters & I know you will continue to do just that w/ help from almighty God.
Hey RTL..I'm so sorry, things do seem to be going from bad to worse dont they? Its worrying about your D...she is getting confusing messages and your W isnt helping at all I am sure. Have you spoken to your T about this? Sounds like your D knows the OMs name and possibly spends time in his company, with your W and then gets to see you and sees her Mum acting cold and mean towards her Dad, which wasnt the case before she moved out and perhaps thats why she doesnt chat when you call her? I dont know but I bet she is confused. Seems very sad all round and your W is behaving very selfishly quite honeslty. She shouldnt be exposing your D to OMs company so soon on in the R and just after she has uprooted her from her home and family life and Dad. I'm utterly amazed at the innapropriate way she is handling it.
And then theres you..continue to be dark and be polite and upbeat and friendly but I dont know...re read the bit on the Last Resort Technique and post here for advice if your not sure. You CAN still DB even though you dont think you can. You have to rise above it I think as your W is being a b*tch right now! Or spiteful perhaps. Things will surely thaw, she is definetly still in teh anger stage. She seems to have alot of pent up rage but I'm betting its not all about you, its probably to do with her Dad and stuff....
Thinking of you as usual! Sorry I havent posted much lately, but I wasnt sure what to say to help, its all a bit grim at the moment. What we can say though is you are really being brave to keep trying like this and I'm sure your friends and family think you should call her all the names under the sun and tell her to F off by now! It must be very tough going, we're here for you,
Ali ____________ Me: 37 H: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 will he reconnect?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Tomato - Thanks for the encouragement and good thoughts. I know I need all I can get right now.
Ali - Thank you dear for the boost and kind words. I appreciate your keeping tabs on me. Oh, my family and friends think I'm an idiot for even thinking kindly of W. They want me to cut her off and do it quickly. However, I've told them all to not judge W too harshly b/c there is always a possibility that we get back together b/c you have to be able to allow people to do their own things in life then forgive them and forget if necessary. They think that too is idiotic, but I've been pretty consistent w/ them. Who knows? The rate this is going, it won't matter much b/c W doesn't seem to ever be nice to me, let alone want to love me again. That thought just makes me so blue. I miss my family terribly and to know that W is w/ the OM and not missing an emotional beat here kills me. I've been replaced w/out any thought or consideration on how this affects me. It is if I didn't exist and I'm not allowed to be affected. It hurts to know she is currently "happy" w/out me in her life. That is one that does definitely sting.
As for my plan, it is now to be as dark as I can be. W has sent me 4 e-mails today in response to my e-mails yesterday and I've yet to respond to any of them. In fact, I may not answer them all.
I called D at 7:30 and talked exclusively w/ her for about a minute and a half. She was upset that my call caused her to pause her movie, so I wrapped it up quickly w/ her and let her go back to watching. I then hung up w/out speaking to W. I don't like that feeling at all. I'm wondering if I should at least say something kind like "Have a good night (W)" before I hang up. I don't know. I guess that really isn't "going dark" but I honestly feel like such an A-hole hanging up right after talking w/ D. Maybe I shouldn't care, but I do.
Anyway, about an hour later, W sent a text saying "What have you told people at (work)?" I didn't reply, but why the heck should she give a crap? I'm thinking I won't touch this one, but it bugs me that she even cares what my peers think of her. Again, she baffles me. I think it was either W2G or bizarre who said she sounds like she wants the D, but also wants my support w/ things. I don't get it. I guess that is my problem. I'm trying to figure out the unfigurable. I keep forgetting, "You can't negotiate w/ terrorists." They just don't think rationally.
Well, today was difficult and I didn't do much. In fact, I stayed up past midnight last night and then just stayed in bed to 11. It was a blue day and I COMPLETELY realize I've got to GAL big time, but I'm falling into the "unmotivated" rut. If I don't kick that one soon, I'll never get out.
I go back to teaching tomorrow and I think I'm ready to go, but I'd rather sleep in again tomorrow, to be honest. I'm currently working w/ the DR book again and once I finish it, I'm going to strictly re-read several times the section on "last resort" over and over and over b/c that is where I'm at right now. I'll also be re-reading the "going dark" information as I didn't look at it too closely before b/c it says you have to be prepared to lose the marriage if you enter this stage and until now, I haven't had the courage to face that potential possibility.
I'm off to bed now, then I'll be in a tie again tomorrow as I start the 4th quarter of the school year that can't end quick enough. I feel badly for my students b/c I know I haven't been as good of a teacher as I could have and should have been for them this year. I'm hoping they'd understand if they knew what I was going through.
Talk to you all later. Have a good and restful evening.
Well, today was difficult and I didn't do much. In fact, I stayed up past midnight last night and then just stayed in bed to 11.
Dont feel bad about sleeping in. I slept in on Sunday until around 9:00 and told myself I deserved to take the day slow and make it fun for myself even though I was reorganizing the garage.
RTL, I am in a similatr situation as you. I too am an educator and feel that I have been doing a disservice to my students. For me my depression is even more fo an obstacle because my STBX is keeping my S away from me. Everytime I try and make plans with her to see him, she will not commit. She then will come by when I am not home and wonder where I am.
One of the first things you need to realize is that your STBX is irrational and you need to do things with you and your D in mind. You are now back in the forefront of all your decisions.
As for taking some time to be alone, it is part of the whole process. I took my time and spent it alone in my empty house. Everything I read and heard from everyone was to get out and simply be around people. Which I did, even if it was having dinner by myself, it would be good to be a part of civilization again.
Much of what you need to realize is that you need to start doing things again for you and your D. Your STBX is no longer in the equation, per se. You will never get away from her because of your child but you can determinie how much of an influence she will have in your life. Do not be ashamed about the feelings you have right now. I had them too and I can tell you it will get better. How much better ultimately is up to you.
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
I realized my lethargy has been a bad thing. My diet has been shot and I'm back up to 190 (from the good-feeling 185 I've been holding for some time now). Thus, I'm exercing today and I signed up at a near-by gym and hired a trainer to help get me started.
I'll be moving off my rear ASAP b/c if I don't I'll slide down into a pretty big hole. So, golf, exercise, and leaving the house have to be musts for me to survive.
I've also started to finally reach out to my friends for help and support. They are very good people out there who really care about me and I've been in my shell avoiding everyone which hasn't helped at all.
It is very easy to stay down and very difficult to jump start yourself. However, in re-reading the DR book, I know I have to stay busy and GAL or I won't make it.
Thus, that is my new goal as of April 1, 2008 and that is no joke, folks!
Thank you for your words and I'm very sorry to hear you are in a similar position to me. It is very painful to have the one you love turn on you so visciously and so suddenly.
I hope things will be better for me b/c now they definitely are not. I feel myself slipping into depression and that is why I've got to snap out of it starting today. I don't have a choice but to do it or the blues will consume me and ruin me for the future.
You are correct that everything I do now has to focus on myself and my D. Those are the only two that matter as my W is being irrational and mean.
I hope you'll keep checking in and letting me know how things are going from your end as well. I'm going to set up another appointment w/ a DB coach and discuss how things are currently and what I should look to do going forward. We last discussed writing her a letter, but I don't think any contact is a good thing right now.
Thanks again and I really hope to hear more from you in the upcoming future.
Well, I replied last night to W's e-mails, one of which was disucssing D's upcoming birthday party (she and W have the same birthday). W sent me some "ground rules" for not invading her personal space, looking to touch her at all and making sure I didn't try to become D's "favorite" by showering her w/ gifts. W also told me not to get her anything for her birthday and that she was going to invite some of her and D's "friends" from her work.
W had also sent off things about dividing our mutual assets and other small stuff.
I did reply and told her her "ground rules" were very obvious to me and thus didn't need to be addressed. I also asked her to let me know how she was planning on inviting prior to inviting them b/c I will not be comfortable seeing the OM and my D's birthday party. She knows this and I'm pretty sure she's still planning on brining him anyway. I may have to discuss this w/ my L as right now, I'm not strong enough to see him there w/ my W playing my old role and enjoying my D's birthday. I can only pray that W has enough decency in her to keep in mind how difficult it would be for me to have OM there. I doubt she'll care one inch about me, but I can always "act if" she's still human and hope.
In any event, she sent a reply today talking about how she felt her "ground rules" definitely needed to be re-stated b/c I had "violated me and these rules in the past." She also went further to make "it clear that these ground rule are permanent rules for the future."
I just don't see her ever coming out of this bitter, angry stage regardless of what I do.
Her e-mail yesterday also included a comment about how my side of the "divided assets list" was much larger than hers so she'd need to be financially compensated for the difference or get more of the house equity. I did reply to this and informed her that the division of assets are based on "value" not "volume" so we may need to have things appraised. So, again there may be more costs involved that she is generating for us to pay.
I also reminded her of the roughly $1100 in expenses I had to pay for her in the month of February out of my paycheck which I will need to be reimbursed for as well. I closed it by saying that maybe the best thing to do would be to come to an agreement on the household items, even if it means getting things appraised, and then saving the financial questions for after the furniture is divided.
I'm almost guaranteed to get a nasty response back from her about how I'm the cause of all our debt and I'm being unfair, but I'm not going to sit back and take the fall for everything and I'm definitely not going to just agree to pay her money w/out collecting what I'm owed as well.
This sucks. I hate it, but I have to be the warrior in this thing and hold true and firm w/ what I know is right. She expects to get out of this thing w/out any obligations or financial hits. I'm not trying to ruin her, but I'm also not going to give away money and property either.
I appreciate every thing you all can provide me w/ feedback and comments. I'm still struggling, but I'm going to continue to push forward.
